Breaking up but still in love
When she said she wanted to break up, I got confused. Everything seemed to be fine, there were no significant issues with the relationship. We aren't perfect, yes, but I loved her all the same and I treated her well. I negotiated with her, then begged her, and appealed to everything that was good in our relationship. Result: nope. I was devastated. I fell in love with her and chose to be in love so I didn't want to give up. Here I am, heartbroken because she gave up on me and on us. I can't force her to stay, despite her telling me she still loves me but she needs the space. It's difficult but I'll let her go and wish her luck. If it was meant to be, she will be back. One difference would be that I refuse to be a backup/second choice. I refuse to just be friends. It's either we got something or nothing. She chose to give up on someone who would love her unconditionally. Why should I continue to hurt? Am I wrong for doing this?
@SheepishMemory Rhetorical question. Do you love her, or do you love the relationship structure?
@helpfulAvocado7912 I really do love her. At least I think I do. May I ask what's with the relationship structure?
@SheepishMemory You say you love HER but you refuse to be friends. So, I think you love the RELATIONSHIP you had with her, but not HER. If you did love HER, you’d put on your big boy pants and be friends. That’s just my opinion for what it’s worth.
@helpfulAvocado7912 I see where you are coming from and that was my initial position. Honestly, I would still be a friend. She tells me she still loves me and wants to be friends with none of the commitment. I got some input from others telling me I should cut her off because they think it's exploitative. I'm not entirely certain if it's the right way but they made a point and so here I am. Do you think I should roll back?
@SheepishMemory I see. Well you have to protect yourself. Your friends closest to you might be the best source of advice.
This is interesting. In my opinion, I think that you can still love someone but refuse to be be friends with them if you feel uncomfortable. You don’t owe them anything when the relationship ends, so both parties don’t have to feel obliged to start a friendship with each other after the break up. If a party refuses to start a friendship (a few reasons could be they feel uncomfortable, or feel like being friends with them will slow their healing process, etc), I don’t think it necessarily means that they didn’t love them and only just loved the idea of a being in a relationship with them.
@SheepishMemory
Hello. I'm going through the same thing at the moment. I can't give you much advice but if you want to chat we can, I don't mind.
@SheepishMemory
In my experience, if I’m still in love with someone that has broken up with me it feels excruciating to be just friends for a loooong time until I can say I’m over it and then maybe, just maybe a friendship can grow. I’m sorry about your heartbreak, friend.
Hi, sorry to intrude and I do hope this helps you. You cannot control your feelings, you are not wrong, you have feelings and you can't just shut them off all at once, it's completely normal.
Give it some time, give yourself some time, don't be too hard on yourself
it will get better
I hope this helps.
I'm going through a similar process but I'm the one leaving my wife. You definitely need more time to process this new development. Maybe it can help you understand your wife better if I tell you that it is extremely tough on the one leaving, too. For me to tell her what I decided felt like hurting myself very badly.
But what I've come to is, it wouldn't make her ever happy again if I stayed because I wouldn't be happy.
I am in an almost similar situation as you and it is not easy. You hurt my friend because you love unconditionally and deeply.
You are not wrong for feeling this way because you truly love your girlfriend with no strings attached and no matter how much she has hurt you by wanting to distance herself from you you still love her. This shows you are a genuine, caring and passionate person and there is nothing to feel bad about
Thank you everyone for your input. I’ve been crying all so often this past few weeks. As it turns out, I can’t seem to let her go. I still love her and we still talk but I’m just so wounded. Life doesn’t feel the same. Nothing seems right.
@SheepishMemory I don't envy you in the least. Losing or letting go of someone you care for for is probably one of the toughest challenges a person faces.
@SheepishMemory
How are you doing?
@scarletCherry3980
Thank you for asking. I'm... Not great. I thought I was moving along a bit. I broke down last night. Cried from time to time for almost 4 hours. Cried several times today now. I don't think I'm getting better. Doesn't feel like it. Therapy is going. It's helping. Just not quite as fast as I would like. I need this to improve.
@SheepishMemory
Stay strong. I literally cried today and I'm struggling as well. I am also going to therapy and I understand how it feels about wanting to improve and it just feels like it's never going to end but I know something good has to come out of this.
