Anyone happily married in a sexless relationship?
I’ve been married 16 years and want my husband to consider agreeing to have a sexless marriage. For the majority of our marriage, we probably have sex 1-3 times each month. We are both comfortable in our marriage. We enjoy watching tv, going out to dinner and sometimes movies together. I would like more conversation, and he would like more sex. I feel we cannot meet each others needs in these 2 areas, as we have always tried but not succeeded very well. I have been considering a divorce for the past 11 months, and we talked about giving our relationship 4 months to see if we can improve things. After that I told him I may want to take a 2 month break from the relationship to think. We have 3 children (13, 9 and 6). A great part of me would like to divorce and be my own woman again, and either live life on my own terms, or find another man whom I could give all of myself physically to and he emotionally to me. Has anyone on here mutually agreed to a sexless marriage? I’ve heard them described as “parenting marriages”, when the romantic and physical elements of the marriage is put aside and the spouses focus on raising the kids and having a happy home. I am wondering if my husband can give up his desire for sex with me, and if I can therefore give up my desire for an emotional connection with him. This would not be very fulfilling for either of us, but it could take away the expectations we have on each other that we both have not been able to meet. That way we could stay married until our youngest is grown (12 more years), or you never know we may be ok with what we have. Anyone have experience with this, or any thoughts??
Short answer, that sounds like a miserable idea for both of you and your kids. Sounds like he still finds you physically attractive after all the years spent together and still wants you, while you no longer want him to be physically attracted to you or want that kind of attention from him. To ask a man who is like that to stop feeling that way over you is essentially splitting up. It's also saying you want it your way and only your way. There isn't a compromise on his side, so therefore it's only your side that "wins" here. After he can no longer get that affection from you, there is a very solid chance that he will go somewhere else for it. If you are in this situation and no longer have that desire to be touched by the man who actually wants you, and you are contemplating a divorce over it, get the divorce. Don't put your kids through that kind of stressful home. Don't put yourself or him or both of you in the situation that will lead either of you to a different person for what you each are missing while still trying to coexist in the same house. It will get ugly and it will get far worse than just separating. Go to counseling together, maybe there is still something there that you both can do, but if you still want to go this route be prepared for it to lead to cheating and a divorce regardless of what you want.
This is a difficult situation that you are in, but I totally understand it as I have been feeling the same way in my marriage. We will be married 17 years on Sun with 4 kids (16,15,12,10). I too think it best to stay together for the kids especially if you and your spouse are still friends and can make it work, but if you arent giving him sex then he will go somewhere else for it. How do you feel about that? Would you find someone else to meet your emotional needs? When the kids see this (and they will) it will confuse them on what a relationship is supposed to be. They could learn that this is normal and then have trouble in their future relationships. Just a thought to consider.
I totally understand your post. I could have written this myself. I’m actually on this app to find an answer to this question. You out it into terms that explain it perfectly. My husband (of 15 years) is still physically attracted to me but the sex has been a turn off. It was always about him and I never got anything out of it. Once he was “done” it stopped. He isn’t there emotional for me and actually when I try to open up to him, he uses that venerability to hurt me more. It is hurting my friendships as well. I know with him working from home more with COVID situation, he needs a break so I got him a gym membership to let off some steam. However if I want to go for a walk, he says he needs to go with me and with our schedule we never have out kids in a place where we can both escape for 30 mins. He is all about himself. We have 5 kids so yes we are just in a parenting marriage. We don’t do date nights and I know what I confide in him, he will use against me later. I’m hoping to find a counselor that isn’t too expensive to help us reflect on what we have done wrong in our marriage and learn some new guidelines. With that being said, I don’t think your idea would work. (Like I said, I’m in it with you!) I think some online counseling sessions looking back at expectations would help as well. I completely understand how you feel. Since I don’t have a spark for him because he isn’t there emotionally for me, I won’t have sex. (I’m not using it as a weapon, just no time and no connection) but I know that we are both wrong and have to come to some middle ground with a referee so we can fight fair moving forward. Hugs!!
Sorry you’re in the same situation :/ I’ve viewed sex in our marriage in different ways at different times. There are times I say no because I feel no connection, times where I know sex a connection that he needs and I want to fulfill his needs because I love him, other times it’s just physical (because the sex is really good). You may want to talk to a sex therapist. When my husband and I do have sex it’s great physically, but that’s because we’ve learned what we need to do. I don’t want to be graphic, but first he takes care of me and then I take care of him. If you want more details you could message me.