After 5 years together, she told me she never loved me romantically.
I went through a heart-breaking breakup about two months ago and I still feel very devastated and alone. I've been so close to an edge that I've never, in my entire life, been privvy to until now. It was just so unexpected. We both seemed so happy and we had so many loving moments. Only weeks prior to the breakup she talked about feeling lucky that we were together, and we'd both said things like that to each other many times before. It was the last thing I expected to happen so suddenly.
I think what hurt more than the actual breakup itself was the reason for it. She said she had only ever loved me platonically; that she wanted to be with me so much and she had hoped that the romantic love would grow over time. She later admitted that it was a physical attraction thing. That was particularly painful to find out, both because she was my first ever true relationship, and also because I've always had serious insecurities about my appearance. I've always felt ugly and even unloveable because of it. Throughout our relationship, she was instrumental in helping me overcome some of the emotional trauma that had persisted since childhood. She would constantly call me gorgeous and handsome and would get so excited whenever I'd turn my webcam on. It seemed so genuine and authentic that I actually started to believe it. I was beyond overjoyed that I had finally found someone that could love me for who and what I was. I felt safe and secure and it was the most wonderful feeling in the world to be able to share the love that I had bottled up for so long with someone as amazing and special as her.
When I read her breakup letter in my e-mail--long, well-written, and as caring and kind as such a letter could be--it felt like a million daggers in my heart. She said she couldn't find the strength or courage to tell me in person. The words still sit and stir in my mind and their effect is as palpable as the day I read them. We talked immedietly after but I was so in shock that I couldn't even think rationally. My entire world had just come crashing down.
We've stayed in touch since then, and she's even continued to support me as a friend through what is undoutbedly the darkest period of my life so far. This hasn't helped as much as I'd like though and in fact, I wonder if it's been a mistake to stay in such close contact with someone that I still love so deeply. I've wanted to hate her so badly for hurting me so much. I've tried to find reasons to justify it, to villianize her out of desperation for relief. To be able to feel like it wasn't my fault or that I wasn't inherently flawed in some way. "Was it another guy? Did she make up with her last ex? etc." But in the end I've had to face the facts that she simply didn't love me in the way that I loved her. Her being my very first true love, and the only woman to ever show me what I believed to be true romantic reciprocity, only made it that much more devestating in the end.
I apologize for the wall of text there. I guess I've wanted to put my feelings on this to text for awhile. I'm still feeling very hurt and hopeless and there's not really anyone I can talk to about it. She's tried her best to help me through it but I think she's through with it now and wants to move on (understandably). I wish I could have done the same but time hasn't helped as much as I'd hoped, at least not yet. I think it's the combination of loss that has made this so incredibly difficult to overcome: losing someone who I felt was my ideal in almost every way, losing the warm and loving compaionship that we shared for the last 5 years (the happiest of my life), losing the trust that I had put into someone that I truly believed could never betray it, and losing the progress I had made on finally loving and accepting myself for who I am. How do you recover from that? And where do you start? If someone so caring and supportive could hurt you like that, how do you ever find the strength, resiliance, and faith to trust someone else again? These are some of the thoughts I've been struggling with the most.
If any of you have advice, experience, or knowledge on this subject, I'd be really grateful for any you can share. Thanks in advance.
(Apologies for all the typos; I was trying to edit but it doesn't look like there's a way to do it.)
@MrSeansible
Happy New Year my friend! I went through a similar 5 year relationship that failed in 2005.
I'd like to begin by commending you for the in-depth post and genuine desire for help. Good news... you've already started helping yourself, simply by posting your "wall of text". Getting things off your chest is among the most important first steps of any healing process.
I'd like to remind you that you ARE HANDSOME; don't tell yourself otherwise. Women have many dating options if they choose to, with dating usually being easier for them than it is for men; therefore, they generally don't stay in long-term relationships if they don't find their boyfriend attractive... so she was telling the truth. The important thing is that she did find you attractive, which means other women do also!!!
Moving on I'd like to recommend, as difficult as it is to temporarily pause your communication with her; simply tell her you're going to pause for a few months while you reform your life. Know she was placed in your life story for a purpose. Now, go work on yourself and determine what will make you happy the next few months WITHOUT her, or any element of your relationship with her. This is a difficult task, but crucial. I'm going through it right now myself and I see the light at end of tunnel.
@JonnyBoy7cups
Happy New Year to you too and thanks very much for the support! You made some really good points and I think I'll take your advice on keeping some distance from her for awhile. I think that is truly what's best now. I don't want it to be goodbye forever, because I very much value her friendship, but I'm not ready for that yet. It really has helped to talk about it like this and I can't thank you all enough for the advice and encouragement.
I'm glad you've been able to make such good progress with your own struggles and I hope I can follow in your example. Good luck to you, my friend!
@MrSeansible
Yes, excellent you will be impressed with the results of your time away from her. Additionally, by telling her you're taking time to reform yourself and will talk with her later in the year, she will both have respect for you and most likely find you more attractive. This will make her not want to cut all ties with you and allow you to maintain some communication for the rest of your lives, or maybe more involvement.
Keep us posted please on your successes and challenges. We're all here to help each other. Be blessed!
:(( im crying over this post. Because im experiencing the same things rn. I've been crying for 3 days straight. My eyes sting now. I told him to delete our memories , my ugly pics because i am insecure about myself but when i looked through his twitter, he didn't delete any.
I am ashamed.
@MsTokio
MsTokio I'm sorry to hear of this. Be reassured that your response is so normal and you shouldn't feel like you've done anything wrong. Each one of is handles breakups differently; I myself have discarded all memories at times, and other times I acted differently.
Important thing to remember is time heals us all :) As each day passes by you will feel less upset with yourself and know if you want copies of pics he'll happily send then to you from his social media.
@MrSeansible i can understand
@MrSeansible This post really touched my heart in many ways. I actually went through somethng similar, but I am the heartbreaker in this case. I loved my ex very much, but I was not in love. I thought I could conjure it up, thought I could make it happen. I tried for two decades. We built a lovely little life together and made amazing memories, but the relationship did not survive for many reasons beyond just this. But what I can tell you is that you cannot conjure up love. It's either there or it isn't.
I'm in a brand new relationship now, six months in, and now I'm in the reverse situation, not sure if he loves me! Call it karma if you like. Hopefully it's just my insecurities and I'm completely wrong. But what I do know is that if he doesn't love me, it isn't his fault. Because I lived that experience and I put 100% of my being into trying to love my ex that way, and there was just something missing. It wasn't my fault or theirs. There's either magic or there isn't.
And I assure you, it's not your looks or anything about you! That person just was not right for you. Even if you loved her with all your heart, it takes two, that feeling has to flow both ways. It's depressing as hell to realize that you cannot make someone love you, but if you could, that wouldn't be very magical either, would it? You deserve for someone to love you fully. It will take time to get over this one, but it sounds like you're doing all the right things. Take good care of yourself and put yourself back out there when you're ready. It's hard right now with covid but things will get better. Focus on you, your health, your life, and put yourself in the path of good people. You'll find what you're looking for in time.
@independentTriangle9280
Hi there, sorry for being absent from the thread for a bit. I've been dealing with some pretty chaotic family health issues over here.
Thanks so much for the incredibly thoughtful and kind messages. I understand what you're saying, and it sounds very similar to how my ex described being in love with someone. I guess it just seems different for me. Love seems to be such a conceptual thing and I feel like the true definition/interpretation of it varies, at least to some extent. To me, it's always seemed as simple as finding someone attractive, getting to know them, and finding that you both connect really well--along with sharing similar values. I felt I had that with my ex. I felt like we were truly on the same page, even able to finish each other's thoughts frequently. We had so many "esp moments" (as we called them, heh) that it was almost frightening at times. And god, all the laughs we had together; all the times I made her laugh so hysterically that I couldn't help but join in because of how infectious it was.
Throughout those experiences, my feelings and fondness for her couldn't help but flourish and grow. It didn’t happen immediately, and the intensity grew with time and with effort. This was my first experience with being in love with someone romantically, so granted, I don't have any other point of reference, but that experience with her felt like true love to me. How much I miss her now just further confirms it.
When my ex told me that she didn't find me romantically attractive, I didn't realize just how much of it was physical to her. When she later elaborated on that, it started to make more sense to me. The only thing that I really struggled with at that point--and continue to do so--is why it would have taken so long for her to admit that to me. It was only going to hurt so much more in the end, for both of us. She said it was because she really loved me as a person and wanted desperately to be with someone like me. She had hoped the physical attraction would grow with time. I only wish that kind of thing were possible.
I guess I'm saying all of this because I'm still struggling to understand the seemingly more inconspicuous concepts of what love is to many (probably even most) people. It’s described as a kind of mystical force that either is or isn't, but based on my own admittedly limited experience, it doesn't seem like that. I'd argue that if that really were the case, wouldn’t conventionally less attractive people experience just as much frequency of finding it as the Brad Pitts and Angelina Jolies of the world? And wouldn’t it feel almost impossible to find someone that had the same spark for you that you just so happened to have for them? Does it come down more to luck in the end than anything? And is it possible for all of us to be so lucky? The "luck" element is what makes the "either is or isn't" description of love so confusing and even intimidating to me. It's that fear of trying your best but still failing in the end because the planets didn't align just right.
Anyway, I'm sorry to go off on a tangent like that, and I hope it didn't come off as argumentative. I totally concede that there's still a lot about love that I don't know or understand and maybe the only way to fully learn is through experience. I'm not looking forward to more experiences like this of course, but maybe that's just the way it goes. If nothing else, I hope that I can continue to develop and strengthen my resilience through my recovery so that I can weather the storm more easily the next time. I'm still bombarded by the constant fear of never being one of the lucky ones when it comes to finding that reciprocal love but I’m determined, now more than ever, to do all that I can to make it happen. I’m already 35 but I’d like to believe I still have the chance to grow old with that special someone. I want that more than anything on earth. I just hope that I’m able to follow your advice and bring about the best parts of myself; the parts that encapsulate who I truly want to be. And I hope the sum of those parts is enough to help me feel and believe that I have what it takes to be a worthy lover and partner. I want that kind of happiness and fulfillment to all who yearn for it.
Thanks again and I hope you have a long happy life with your new beau :)
@MrSeansible
Hi,
How have you been? I wish you are feeling a bit better!
I noticed you wrote something about the luck element of love, or the sparks "that either is or isn't", and I felt like adding a bit more on what I'm going through. What I've experienced with the person I mentioned above was pretty much like it. It happened instantly within 15 min or so when we first met and started talking, and was overwhelming, almost scary. It suddenly made sense to me that they call it "chemistry", "click" or whatever, it's just there. And I could see that he felt the attraction on his side too. What killed me inside was to explain others afterwards that there's nothing romantic going on between us, and that it was just a friendly chat. They saw us talking there and thought we might be already dating. And the look on their face when I told them that he's already with his significant other! I'm still worried that if it was that obvious to others' eye, it may bring us to an embarassing situation someday.
I wouldn't call it "love" in first sight, though. It's just attraction. There may be intense, mutual attraction that's already there from the beginning, but it's not love. I'm in my 30s and have never been in a relationship as I could never get over my distrust toward men due to family issue, but I'm sure that love is something that needs to be tested and proved through action spending time together. I must admit, I still feel tempted to think that was something more than attraction at my weakest. But what good does it if it really was? It would just make me the one who found something I didn't even believe that exists, and lost it the next moment. And it makes me feel even more miserable, like a fool who has wasted her own luck. I wanted to tell that I understand how you find it intimidating to think about the "either is or isn't" element of love. It feels devastating. I try to listen to my rational mind at a time like that.
I assure you, your view on love is much more mature than those that attribute it to luck. If the primary factor of love is luck, how can it be something precious? It'd be no different from a winning ticket. Unlike you, I don't want to find someone, I just want to get rid of my disturbed mind and get back to the peace and satisfaction of being alone I already had before. But if I were to seek true love, I would try to grow it like you with someone who shares a similar view on it, instead of searching for the "clicking" sound. Your ex wants something that involves more physical attraction, she may or may not find it. Either way it doesn't affect you. You set sail for the life you want to have, your compass is working fine, so don't let stars (aligned or crossed) lead you astray!
@Passio
Hi there 😊. I’ve been feeling better for the most part, although I was hit with another wave of grief yesterday and it’s still not gone away completely. I’m under an increasing amount of stress right now (taking care of elderly parents and one of them was just moved to the ER due to a discovery of possible renal failure) so I think that’s had quite a bit to do with it. 2020 seems to be the gift that keeps on giving, even into 2021, heh.
Thanks so much for sharing your insight and experience about this. I guess maybe I just haven’t been lucky enough to have that instant reaction when meeting someone. My mom’s talked about chemistry many times before too but she’s always attributed it to “the way someone smells to you, etc.” That’s why I’m wondering if it’s an individual thing that’s different for all of us, to a degree.
To be honest, and I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, the relationship I had with my ex was entirely long distance—meaning that we never even had the chance to meet in person. We live thousands of miles apart and neither of us could afford the trip due to our situations. I know this probably almost invalidates my whole experience to many people reading this, but I promise it was very serious for me. We were inseparable on video calls/voice chat as often as we were available (we left our Skype call running 24/7), and we had so many amazing moments together. We were even sexually active—as much as you can be in a long-distance scenario. This is also something she was used to from her previous relationship: they were together two years and although they had never met in person, she loved him deeply. I only share that to illustrate how possible it is to love someone even if you haven’t been near them physically. That’s exactly how I’ve felt about her and how I wished she could have felt about me. It probably comes as no surprise though that I’ve since pondered if things could/would have been different if we had met in person. Like if there may have been some unknown physical chemistry that would have turned the tables. I don’t believe so, but you can’t help but wonder.
You hit the nail on the head with the “winning ticket” comparison, heh. It does feel like that and that must be why it’s such a scary concept (to me, anyway.) I’d much rather true love being something you cultivate with someone else; someone that you feel attracted to and compatible with. It even feels more romantic to me like that—like you’re doing this beautiful thing together, while learning more and more about each other in the process. I want that so much. At the same time, if there really is this magical connection that only very specific people have for each other, it would be difficult to shake the feeling of, “What will I do if she meets another guy who does have that spark? Will it all be over then?” Ideally, you’d want that spark to be present with the person you built your life with, but what are the odds of being that lucky? Ugh, just thinking about this stuff is a bit frustrating and deflating. I suppose this is one of those conversations/discussion topics as old as time and we still don’t—nor likely ever will—have definitive answers for it.
Thanks again so much for the wonderful message and kind reassurance! It feels almost cathartic to get all of these thoughts out in the open and have them validated by others who understand where you’re coming from. And honestly, I might take a break from my companionship search for awhile too. I’d really like to work on the self-love stuff (and resilience-building) before I take the plunge again. Here’s hoping we’re both able to stay on the right course and get to where we ultimately want to be 😊
(FYI, your last sentence is quote-worthy :D)
@MrSeansible
Hi, I'm glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better for most part! I understand that there are ups and downs in your recovery, so please keep taking care of yourself. I also wish your parents get well soon.
What your mother was talking might be something about hormones, I think it's just some other ways to describe physical attraction. I don't know why the hormone theory holds such a special position when they talk about (so called) love in first sight; it may be because we tend to imagine something purely visual when it comes to physical attraction, and hormone is a rare exception in this. But again, I guess it's nothing more than a physical attraction even if it's true.
I appreciate your courage to share that it was a long distance relationship. And I can feel your fear that it might invalidate what you're going through. Actually, the person I mentioned and I keep in touch but live some thousand kilometers apart for most of the time, and have only met a few times. So I think what you are feeling is something I can relate to. I couldn't even seek for my friends' advice because I was too scared to be judged. I thought I'd seem extremely dumb and naive, and I believed myself to be so. Recently I have the feeling that I'm deeply humbled by this experience. I used to pity or scorn the absurdities of falling in love and letting others hurt them, but now I see them differently. And I'm starting to feel, if this is the lesson I learned, it wasn't for nothing that I got heartbroken. I knew that I wouldn't have the person I want from the beginning, but I wanted to be better and stronger at least through this experience. And you are encouraging me very much, so thank you :)
@MrSeansible
Yeah, I did have an experience with a heartbreaking break up. I cried all night. I finally called up my sister and she adviced me to think of his flaws and shortcomings. It made me feel better, lol. It gave me hope that I could find someone better.
Update:
I'm sorry to revive my thread already, but there's been a development that has left me feeling worse than even the initial breakup--something I didn't think was possible. It's been less than 3 months and she's already involved with another guy. She wrote a really loving message about him (that I made the mistake of reading) expressing how she was experiencing one of the "deepest and most amazing connections" she had ever made with someone. I feel petty for saying it, but it was one of the most hurtful things I've ever read in my life. I felt, and still feel gutted by it. It affected me so much that I questioned her about it, even theorizing that she had started talking to him before breaking with me to have such a strong connection already. I know I was wrong to do that, and I regret it now. I was just so immensely hurt. "How could it happen so fast? Why did she have to make a public post about it already? Don't my feelings count for anything?" Those were my inital thoughts.
After it all happened, I sat down and "ugly cried" in a way I never have in my entire life; I would have been embarrassed for anyone to hear me sound like that, truly. I cried for well over an hour. I could hardly sleep later on, and when I did, I kept having the most horrendous nightmares, even one where my elderly mother (who's been sick for about half a year after covid) dies. Luckily my alarm clock woke me up, right as I was having it. Strangely enough, not one of them had her in it, just general nightmares like that.
Needless to say, I really do feel like a wreck and I need help. I've been trying to work on my self-love, and I even felt like I had made progress, but after reading that message, I felt back at square one--if not worse. I've since unfriended her on Facebook (about the last place we still have contact) to avoid any other hurtful, counter-productive moments like that.
I think the worst thing about it is the guilt and shame I feel for how I reacted. I don't like this version of myself. I had so many petty thoughts running through my head like, "Why does she get to be so completely content and happy already, after destroying me emotionally? She stole 5 years of my life from me, left me alone here at 35 years old, and then moves on in less than 3 months with someone who appears to be an upgrade over me in every way. What did I do to deserve that? Why does she get to be happy so soon after all of this?" She mentioned that it wasn't her intention to get involved again so quickly, and that it just happened; that "the universe" had brought it about. Hearing that only made me more resentful with thoughts like, "So the universe rewards people for crushing others?" I didn't say any of that to her of course, but I feel bad for even thinking it. I don't want to be like this and it makes me tear up even thinking about it.
Anyway, I'm sorry for all the venting. I just felt like I had to get it out. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read it. I appreciate it more than you can know.
@MrSeansible
Hi,
I don't have enough time to write everything I want to say now, but I just want to tell you two things. You don't have to blame yourself or feel ashamed for having negative feelings toward her. It's only natural; she is the one who left you deeply hurt after all. Denying those feelings is like ignoring your fatal wound, I think. You are seriously hurt by her already, please don't hurt yourself. Another thing I want to say is that he isn't an "upgrade" of you. I don't know a thing about him, but thinking that someone could be an upgrade of you is absurd. There is no such a thing like an upgrade of you. I know this cliche would have very limited effect on those who are suffering from the idea that their ex has chosen someone else over them, but I thought it's something that must be said anyway.
@Passio
Hi Passio, thanks so much for responding again. I would have said something sooner but my older brother tragically passed away Friday night, so things have been a bit up in the air lately. It was completely unexpected so we’re still dealing with shock and confusion.
Despite everything that’s been happening, I’d be lying if I said it’s completely distracted me from my own personal pain. I still have moments throughout the day where I think of her words in that message and the pain hits me like a truck. That said, your words really meant a lot to me and helped me to get through it more easily.
And deep down I know that you’re right about using a word like “upgrade” in this context; love is far too nuanced and complex for a term like that to make any sense. At the same time, this experience has affected my self-worth to the point that it honestly feels like that, especially when he doesn’t seem to have near the amount of shortcomings--at least on the surface.
I think what ended up exacerbating those thoughts even more was an “inspirational meme” she shared not long after the message. It had a picture of two flowers and said, “You have mastered survival mode. Now it’s time to live.” I’m not sure how such a seemingly innocent message could hurt me so much, but it did. I couldn’t help but take it as an attack; as if the whole time we were together, she was merely surviving, not living like she wanted to. In truth, it probably didn’t have much, if anything, to do with me. I’m just seeing too much into it, as I’ve constantly been doing lately. I’m ashamed of that and I desperately want to stop this toxic, self-harming behavior. I really hope I can manage that eventually.
Thanks again for the kind words of support. It really means more than I can say.
@MrSeansible
Hi MrSeansible,
I feel very sorry for what's happening around you. It sounds like the world has been really harsh on you for a while... Are you trying to keep yourself physically healthy at least? I know you get less motivated when you are in such a grief, but please take a good care of yourself.
What I want to tell you is if she chose that person over you because he was an "upgrade" of you, it means she is simply unable to love anyone, be it you or her new boyfriend. You can upgrade your phone or fridge and get satisfied because the new models are better, but you can't really "love" something you can upgrade... I can't really explain, but you know what I mean. If someone gets rid of their dog in order to get a new, healthier, pedigreed puppy, wouldn't you think it's cruel? I'm not saying nobody in this world would ever be judgemental; of course lots of people mercilessly judge others by their appearance, finance and other qualities, and I don't know if she cherishes him for being your "upgrade" or not. And it's not about the wording either. The problem is that you are treating yourself the way you wouldn't (probably) even treat a dog by thinking that he's an "upgrade" of you. You have all the reasons to feel that way and you can't decide when to stop feeling it, I know, but you must at least have another voice in yourself that is more caring to you.
For the "survival mode" quote, I think it's pretty natural that it doesn't sound very nice or innocent to an ex regardless of her intention, so you don't have to blame yourself for feeling that way. And even if she meant the years she's spent with you by the words "survival mode", aren't we all responsible for our own life, unless people around us are abusive and thus preventing us from living the life we want?
Feel free to vent anytime when you need on this thread. You thanked me for leaving comments, but I think I should be thanking you for showing me the way you face and verbalize anxieties and loneliness. It helps me to clarify my perception of love or relationships (in which I totally lack my experience XP), so thank you so much.
@MrSeansible
Hello, Mr Seansible! Good to hear an update, even though it's a bad one. Can you please elaborate, was this letter from her directly to you, or was it a publicly available letter visible by all of her friends?
@JonnyBoy7cups
Hi Jonny, thanks for the response :). Sorry for the delay; my older brother tragically passed away on Friday so I haven't been around as much.
She posted the message publically but I'm sure she didn't intend, or even know, that it would hurt me so much. It's been about three months now and she has to be allowed to live her life. This is an issue I have to deal with on my own and I'm hoping I'll be able to make some more progress on that front. One day at a time, I suppose.