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MrSeansible
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts12 Forum posts18 Forum upvotes28 Current upvotes28 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2021 Member sinceJanuary 2, 2021
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After 5 years together, she told me she never loved me romantically.
Relationship Stress / by MrSeansible
Last post
 February 6th, 2021
...See more I went through a heart-breaking breakup about two months ago and I still feel very devastated and alone. I've been so close to an edge that I've never, in my entire life, been privvy to until now. It was just so unexpected. We both seemed so happy and we had so many loving moments. Only weeks prior to the breakup she talked about feeling lucky that we were together, and we'd both said things like that to each other many times before. It was the last thing I expected to happen so suddenly. I think what hurt more than the actual breakup itself was the reason for it. She said she had only ever loved me platonically; that she wanted to be with me so much and she had hoped that the romantic love would grow over time. She later admitted that it was a physical attraction thing. That was particularly painful to find out, both because she was my first ever true relationship, and also because I've always had serious insecurities about my appearance. I've always felt ugly and even unloveable because of it. Throughout our relationship, she was instrumental in helping me overcome some of the emotional trauma that had persisted since childhood. She would constantly call me gorgeous and handsome and would get so excited whenever I'd turn my webcam on. It seemed so genuine and authentic that I actually started to believe it. I was beyond overjoyed that I had finally found someone that could love me for who and what I was. I felt safe and secure and it was the most wonderful feeling in the world to be able to share the love that I had bottled up for so long with someone as amazing and special as her. When I read her breakup letter in my e-mail--long, well-written, and as caring and kind as such a letter could be--it felt like a million daggers in my heart. She said she couldn't find the strength or courage to tell me in person. The words still sit and stir in my mind and their effect is as palpable as the day I read them. We talked immedietly after but I was so in shock that I couldn't even think rationally. My entire world had just come crashing down. We've stayed in touch since then, and she's even continued to support me as a friend through what is undoutbedly the darkest period of my life so far. This hasn't helped as much as I'd like though and in fact, I wonder if it's been a mistake to stay in such close contact with someone that I still love so deeply. I've wanted to hate her so badly for hurting me so much. I've tried to find reasons to justify it, to villianize her out of desperation for relief. To be able to feel like it wasn't my fault or that I wasn't inherently flawed in some way. "Was it another guy? Did she make up with her last ex? etc." But in the end I've had to face the facts that she simply didn't love me in the way that I loved her. Her being my very first true love, and the only woman to ever show me what I believed to be true romantic reciprocity, only made it that much more devestating in the end. I apologize for the wall of text there. I guess I've wanted to put my feelings on this to text for awhile. I'm still feeling very hurt and hopeless and there's not really anyone I can talk to about it. She's tried her best to help me through it but I think she's through with it now and wants to move on (understandably). I wish I could have done the same but time hasn't helped as much as I'd hoped, at least not yet. I think it's the combination of loss that has made this so incredibly difficult to overcome: losing someone who I felt was my ideal in almost every way, losing the warm and loving compaionship that we shared for the last 5 years (the happiest of my life), losing the trust that I had put into someone that I truly believed could never betray it, and losing the progress I had made on finally loving and accepting myself for who I am. How do you recover from that? And where do you start? If someone so caring and supportive could hurt you like that, how do you ever find the strength, resiliance, and faith to trust someone else again? These are some of the thoughts I've been struggling with the most. If any of you have advice, experience, or knowledge on this subject, I'd be really grateful for any you can share. Thanks in advance.
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