Abuse & family
Coming on April 15th will have been a year since my last contact with Joe (ex), a stay away order, and just about monthly domestic violence court and custody court.
I'm just feeling absolutely nuts that I can't remove my thinking about the whole relationship, AND MISSING HIM! I hated him at first, but now I can't seem to stop thinking about him in loving light. Also thought that was apart of my healing, as my thinking was I needed to forgive him so I can heal.
I ask myself, maybe it's because we had our first child together, now 1 1/2yrs. My morals have been important to keep my family together, but first, more important that I am happy, safe and healthy.
In some crazy way, April 15th, the incident, I feel as horrible as it was, it was needed. It was needed for me anyway, to see things clearly. And all the growth I've done in the past year, I couldn't have done that being in a relationship. Just now, I wonder if I have grown so much in the past year, he must have to?
It gets a little more crazy now.. I know.. lol.
I always had suspicions of this very younger lady in our relationship, there was messages just about everyday, texts to meet up at the beach, and him getting extremely angry when I asked. Now finds himself in a relationship with her just months after. It's crazy, cause I find myself hoping it's all meant to be, that they needed to be together for his growth.
I just can't simply move on. Then tell myself how fucked up I am for thinking like this. 
@mkaitx
It's difficult to move on from a relationship where you loved the man and had a child, even where the man was abusive to you. It's easy to revalue such a relationship in terms of him being a man's man, an alpha male, a tough guy, whereas in fact, in truth, he sounds like a pathetic loser who has no control over his emotions, and no respect for the mother of his child.
With hindsight you did not choose wisely! It's important when considering a new relationship, that you use your head, before your heart falls hard. Get your red lines in order! Particularly if you have got it badly wrong before.
