7 months

It's been 7 months, since he and I broke up. I'm trying to get all the pictures and screen shots off my phone finally. Pictures of us a smiling couple, screenshots of cute or meaningful conversations. We were on and off for three years. We didn't stop sleeping together after the first break up. We agreed to make things work so we got back together. I found out he lied to me about this big thing, I was hurt. Then I found out he was cheating on me. I was hurt again. We stayed together, he had to move in withme and my parents. We just kept trying to make it work over and over. Drugs, partying and alchohol were parts of our relationship that didn't help us every well. Anxiety and depression began to take over my brain. That impacted us even more because we just fought all the time, I couldnt let go of the past, he couldnt stand for the present. We broke up, mutual. We were crying in my backyard. He had apologized for hurting me and I just cried right with him.

He moved out, and then quickly moved on. We still didn't stop talking. I told him how him moving on so quickly was just another stab in the heart. But he had had more experience with letting go and moving on in long term relationships than I had. I couldn't bring myself to stop talking to him. Becasue I couldn't let go of my feelings, I still can't. For 7 months we've still been sleeping together. I helped him cheat on his current girlfriend. And no, I'm not proud of that. I just wanted another chance, and I justhad hope that he would break up with her. But the sex kept us linked together. In thi infinite look of regrets and mistakes. He finally told me he coudnt do it anymore. HE had to cut me out of his life. His girfriend didn't like me around, which is fair enough. But he also saw how my depression and anxiety had brought me to thins new low. Manically begging him to get back with me. Crying on my knees infront of him begging for another chance. It wouldn't work, he said. Nothing has changed, because I never let go, I never let myself heal. He didn't want to continue to see me be unhappy. He felt bad for hurting me, but he couldn't feel guilty anymore. My mood swings would go off on him and Iwould continually question the past over and over. He couldn't continue to see myself harm, my suicidal manic moments, and just the girl I had become. I was and kind of still am lost. Living in this fog of a relationship that may never happen again. I'm left trying to let go, heal and move on.

I know he loves me, he just isn't in love with me. But i am still horribly in love. As much as I want too I can't seperate my feelings right now. I don't know if i ever will. I understand that he's trying to change too. This just leads back to the whole "if you love someone let them go" and I guess that is where he might be at. He saw that I wasn't the same as I was. I've been come this sad and anxious girl. I look like I have my shit together but on the inside I'm broken. Replacing him with other men wont work. It never worked. So now I'm here. Still thinking about him every day even though I'm not talking to him. He might be out of sight but i can't get him out of my mind. I want to move on and let go. But time just can't seem to heal fast enough. I am trying to be positive, but on a day like today, I'm just crying.

I just want to know when I'll stop crying... and stop loving him.