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ManandaPanda
1,169 M Little Steps 3
PathStep 36 Compassion hearts105 Forum posts69 Forum upvotes79 Current upvotes79 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2020 Member sinceAugust 4, 2016
Recent forum posts
Feeling underappreciated, needed to vent
Journals & Diaries / by ManandaPanda
Last post
 November 6th, 2019
...See more My boyfriend worked 12 days straight earlier this month. My parents went out of town at this same time so I had to keep the house and all the animals we have in their routine. We have 4 cats and 3 dogs. So I'm taking care of things at home so my boyfriend can come home and relax for the days ahead. We get his son every other week so ontop of that I also took on the responsibilites of watching his son in the evenings and taking primary care of him so his dad could sleep. I became the rock of the house for about two weeks. Once my parents came back into town they took back the responsibilities of the house which really helped relieve stress. We got his son back again on Thursday last week and this past weekened was the time my BF finally got time to relax. So I took on his son again being the primary caretaker in most of his day so his dad could relax. This week my bf and I get in a fight over how I am doing things with his son. Then the entire week my bf continues to snap at me over every little thing. His son calls for me now.. his son calls for me while his dad is standing in the room. Like his son doesn't want to deal with dad he wants to talk to me... So I feel like that caused my BF to snap at me even more cause he's irritated that his son doesn't want to interact with him. And now I'm left to feel bad? I mean I feel bad that his son doesn't want to hangout with him but that's what happens when you focus on yourself and not your kid... But now I'm left feeling angry and under appreciated. My parents just let the dogs bark when the baby is sleeping, even though I told them how to cut down the barking. And the fact that my BF talks over me when I try to talk about my feelings or my period, led me to finally say last night that "no one in this house listens to me." To which I was then told to shut up and listen to my boyfriend instead to which he said "I listen to you" when in fact you don't. You talk over me, you snap at me, and you don't care about how I feel. You only care if I take care of your son. Cause if i dont that means you have to... I'm so upset and I feel so under appreicated like I have to do everything in the relationship. And I feel like I can't be upset about it because I'm supposed to be the rock. But it's like no one cares how I feel no one asks how i am...so I just get to sit here and be upset. While no one cares. And my birthday is this weekend and I don't even really care because I just feel like no one is going to care. It's not going to be about me, it's going to be about everyone else and what they want to do...and I just get to be walked all over. I'm so upset I could cry at my desk right now. If you read this whole thing thank you.
Past sneaking up in Dreams
Journals & Diaries / by ManandaPanda
Last post
 August 12th, 2019
...See more I had a dream last night, my ex-bf moved to the state I'm currently living in. He got a job at the same company my boyfriend currently works at, and they ended up working together. Without my boyfriend knowing that his new coworker was my ex-boyfriend. It was a really odd dream. And I've had these dreams where my ex just appears out of knowhere. He had a huge negative impact on my life when we were dating and after we broke up. We still talked for a long time after we broke up, sometimes as friends sometimes as more. I've been in a happy and sucessful relationship for a year and some change now. I have no plans to get back with my ex but the fact that he appears in my dreams more than my current bf is kind of upsetting for me. Any advice or insight as to why I might be having these dreams? Or ways to deal with them? I just feel like guilty everytime my ex shows up in my dreams. It's not like I'm cheating on my current relationship but just the fact that my ex pops in my head at all makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.
7 months
Relationship Stress / by ManandaPanda
Last post
 August 21st, 2016
...See more It's been 7 months, since he and I broke up. I'm trying to get all the pictures and screen shots off my phone finally. Pictures of us a smiling couple, screenshots of cute or meaningful conversations. We were on and off for three years. We didn't stop sleeping together after the first break up. We agreed to make things work so we got back together. I found out he lied to me about this big thing, I was hurt. Then I found out he was cheating on me. I was hurt again. We stayed together, he had to move in withme and my parents. We just kept trying to make it work over and over. Drugs, partying and alchohol were parts of our relationship that didn't help us every well. Anxiety and depression began to take over my brain. That impacted us even more because we just fought all the time, I couldnt let go of the past, he couldnt stand for the present. We broke up, mutual. We were crying in my backyard. He had apologized for hurting me and I just cried right with him. He moved out, and then quickly moved on. We still didn't stop talking. I told him how him moving on so quickly was just another stab in the heart. But he had had more experience with letting go and moving on in long term relationships than I had. I couldn't bring myself to stop talking to him. Becasue I couldn't let go of my feelings, I still can't. For 7 months we've still been sleeping together. I helped him cheat on his current girlfriend. And no, I'm not proud of that. I just wanted another chance, and I justhad hope that he would break up with her. But the sex kept us linked together. In thi infinite look of regrets and mistakes. He finally told me he coudnt do it anymore. HE had to cut me out of his life. His girfriend didn't like me around, which is fair enough. But he also saw how my depression and anxiety had brought me to thins new low. Manically begging him to get back with me. Crying on my knees infront of him begging for another chance. It wouldn't work, he said. Nothing has changed, because I never let go, I never let myself heal. He didn't want to continue to see me be unhappy. He felt bad for hurting me, but he couldn't feel guilty anymore. My mood swings would go off on him and Iwould continually question the past over and over. He couldn't continue to see myself harm, my suicidal manic moments, and just the girl I had become. I was and kind of still am lost. Living in this fog of a relationship that may never happen again. I'm left trying to let go, heal and move on. I know he loves me, he just isn't in love with me. But i am still horribly in love. As much as I want too I can't seperate my feelings right now. I don't know if i ever will. I understand that he's trying to change too. This just leads back to the whole "if you love someone let them go" and I guess that is where he might be at. He saw that I wasn't the same as I was. I've been come this sad and anxious girl. I look like I have my shit together but on the inside I'm broken. Replacing him with other men wont work. It never worked. So now I'm here. Still thinking about him every day even though I'm not talking to him. He might be out of sight but i can't get him out of my mind. I want to move on and let go. But time just can't seem to heal fast enough. I am trying to be positive, but on a day like today, I'm just crying. I just want to know when I'll stop crying... and stop loving him.
Cutting off a ten year friendship
Relationship Stress / by ManandaPanda
Last post
 August 17th, 2016
...See more I had this ten year friendship, she was my first friend in middle school and we were friends all the way until about two years into college. In middle school we were best friends, at least that's how I saw things. I would do anything for her, always go over to her house, or try to impress her, or get her gifts when I went on vacation. She did the same on occasion but as we got older more things got in between us. Our friend group consisted of seven of us, But all of us still had that one friend that was closer than the others. I thought she was mine but I soon realized that every year throughout middle school and high school she replaced the girl she called a "best friend." First it was me, then year after year she always found another. She would always come back to me for various reasons. But our senior year she got in a relationship with a guy that I didn't care for, and he really drew a wedge into our relationship. Then I had my relationship with a guy she didn't like either. I did my best to try and hangout with her and her bf at events even though I didn't like him, but she never did it for me. Then one day when push came to shove I realized she wasn't my friend. I was crying on the sidewalk, thinking about jumping in front of a car and ending my life. I called her, told her the situation and that my boyfriend had hurt me and some other things happened causing me to want to end my life. I had hoped that she would drop everything to come find me. But instead she goes on about how horrible he is and about how I deserve better. She was right, but at the time I still loved him. So hearing her bad talk my boyfriend while I was suicidal only pissed me off. I hung up on her and just went home, cause I was so mad and upset at the situation. From their our relationship has never been the same. Some drama here and there with friends. But it always came down to the fact that she wasn't a true friend or what I wanted in a friendship. I put up boundaries about conversation topics when we hungout, because I didn't want to talk about her boyfriend or mine because it only ended in anger. But then she would just push me to work out with her. We just didn't have the connection anymore, So now she was the last person to text me, saying how we should get together with our other friends, but I was out of town. But now neither of us have tried to connect with the other. We're both single now but all the hurt I had is still there. I don't trust her anymore and I just get irritated whenever I see her post on social media. So my real question is should I block her and totally cut her out of my life? Should I just leave it and try to let my feelings go? Or should I try to connect with her and make amends? I just saw her today getting a tattoo with her new "best friend" which just stabbed me in the heart. Like she has totally pushed me out of her life ...thoughts?
"Let it go"
Depression Support / by ManandaPanda
Last post
 August 16th, 2016
...See more Anytime I read something about being positive or battling depression, the authors always talk about "letting go." Let go of your anger, let go of grudges, let go of negativity, let go of toxic people. But my question today is how do you ACTUALLY let go? Whenever I read something like this it's like they expect it to be an instant remedy to any problem. "Just let it go" "just move on" But I'm asking today how do you really let something go? Because to me I thought I had let stuff go but it turned out I was just suppressing it into the back of my mind. People make letting stuff go seem so easy but what mental steps to you go through to get to the point of letting go? This might seem pretty obvious to some but I get really frustrated with myself sometimes because I can't just easily let something go. Of course it depends what this thing is but tell me community, how do you let go?
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