Empathy discussion (August 22nd @ 3pm EDT) - Notes

A discussion on Empathy was held on August 22nd @ 3pm EDT, lead by the wonderful @Joyseeker in the Listener Community Room.

(Disclaimer: I personally did not attend this discussion but have reviewed the entire transcript and made an outline on what was discussed to share with everyone!)

★ Icebreaker: Is there a song, quote, book or character you identify with and would like to share with us?

"this too shall pass - Attar - @Resolve

I guess Harry Potter because I feel that I keep learning so much about myself and it changes who I feel I am - @RocketsMom

I identify with this long Marianne Williamson quote: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God/universe. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God/universe that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. - @contentedFlamingo47

i identify with spiderman - @wonderfulPumpkin71

★ Question 1: What does empathy mean to you?

empathy means the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes i think - @wonderfulPumpkin71

Empathy means not just sympathy as in "I'm sorry that happened to you" but actually getting into the hole with them and be where they are at. To feel what the other person is feeling - @contentedFlamingo47

Empathy, to me, means understanding what someone else is going through to the point we can understand their emotions. - @RocketsMom

its like an attempt to imagine yourself in similar situation as others ! - @Resolve

So empathy is more than just a superficial understanding. And is more along the lines of really feeling what the other person is going through. - @joyseeker

★ Question 2: How does it feel to be completely understood by another person?

it feels less lonely - @wonderfulPumpkin71

It feels good. It feels like you aren't so alone. - @contentedFlamingo47

Definitely, I agree with the loneliness comments. Like someone else can unload your struggles - @QuickJazz

So really feeling understood makes us feel less alone. Maybe gives us a sense of connectedness and helps us feel like our worries are lessened too. - @joyseeker

It feels like I am not an alien. Just another human but with different and some what unusual emotional issues. - @OverPouringCup

★ Question 3: What impact has empathy had in your life so far? Is there a specific moment in your life when empathy made a difference that youd like to share?

Yes, I just came back from a Climate Change Training session and other people came up to me when I shared about the grief I felt over the loss of my father and I felt heard and held in loving community. It released this knot in my gut that I had not been aware of and had been harboring. - @contentedFlamingo47

For one thing it allowed me to identify and be friends some great guys who were usually misunderstood just because they were different. - @OverPouringCup

being in the 7 cups of tea community made me feel that way too. - @wonderfulPumpkin71

Empathy (shown by another person) allowed me to open up more about a trauma when I was working on it in therapy. - @RocketsMom

So empathy has helped us to make new friends, broaden our horizons, help us feel loved, safe, part of a community and overcome horrendously difficult times and experiences. - @joyseeker

★ Question 4: How do you practice and apply the skill of having and showing empathy?

being an empath I Can usually sense if a certain person is being truly empathic to me or just pretending. You don't need to understand some one to empathize, it's more of a gut feeling then an objective activity. - @OverPouringCup

So there seems to be something about displaying empathy in a way that is true and pure, that seems important here. - @joyseeker

probably by keeping trying and also working on staying objective. I think it can also be developed by practicing things such as remaining objective and knowing what topics we are not okay with. - @RocketsMom

we can only try and relate with the help of analogies of life ! - @Resolve

i think can be developed by opening up to new experiences - @wonderfulPumpkin71

★ Question 5: What are some ways we can we show empathy to another person, such as a friend or relative?

I think by going out of our way to show them we do not judge them. - @RocketsMom

So few of my friend I can empathize with them yet not understand their situation, and to keep on empathizing I try to get to connect to new and distinct people. Helps me keep sharp and connected to my gut. - @OverPouringCup

We can listen to them, feedback that we are paying attention and can relate to their feelings, show an understanding of the situation and its challenges, for example. Believing in someone/Having belief placed in us is soooo valuable. - @QuickJazz

I think you have start with 'believing in the person unconditionally' - @Resolve

So not judging and being sure that they know that too. Listening, feeding back, naming their emotions and validating them as well. An believing what they are telling us or experiencing. Good points! - @joyseeker

★ Question 5: What challenges might we face when trying to show empathy in an online chat?

they cant hear the emotions in our voice - @wonderfulPumpkin71

I think that it's harder to show empathy when we cannot read nonverbal cues. For example, if we cannot see their facial reactions or see them stiffen, we may not know that we're not in line with them. - @RocketsMom

I believe your honest intentions of being an empathetic individual online can be misinterpreted. Often in some harsh manners that cause issues. - @Baze

Sometimes seeing words written down can highlight when we're using the same words too much =\ - @QuickJazz

★ Question 6: How do you demonstrate empathy as a listener in chats? Saying I understand is easy. What can we say or do to show that we really do?

We could summarize in our own words what they tell us to show we are listening to them and understand what they are telling us about how they feel - @WhimsicalNarwhal83

I like to re-word things--enough differently to show I'm paying attention and understand. And, it checks to make sure I'm on the same page has them. - @RocketsMom

emoticons can sometimes help - @wonderfulPumpkin71

We can say something like "I understand what are you going through "or "I know that feeling " +Am really sorry that you have to go through this - @OneHundredNames

★ Question 7: Are there particular subjects you cant or have trouble empathizing with? Why do you think that is?

Subjects we have no personal experience with - @WhimsicalNarwhal83

I have trouble empathizing with people who don't make change, I think. - @RocketsMom

I have trouble empathizing with domestic violence. When someone beats on another person because they are hurting. I have a hard time with people who don't help themselves and play victim all the time. But I don't like kicking someone when they're down. - @contentedFlamingo47

it is hard for me to find empathy with racist/homophobic people - @wonderfulPumpkin71

i find it hard to deal with depressed people and too traumatised people - @Lightwater

I feel I can empathise, but it can still hurt when I think about it, if that makes sense? When speaking with someone who is reaching out for help, I put down my personal things and focus on it because I am able to (I understand things that can make one struggle with this). However, afterwards, sometimes I need to take some self-care because I can feel hurt by or low at what was discussed. Like Pumpkin said. There was one time where I was speaking with a friend who expressed something transphobic and it was horrifying. I let him know I needed a moment because sometimes seeing or hearing things can genuinely make my body want to vomit, even when I don't mean it to, but after that I was able to carry on and talk it out with him. - @QuickJazz

I really find it hard to empathize with narcissistic persons and pretentious person. - @OverPouringCup

As a nurse sometimes it's hard for me to empathize with ppl who comes in to the emergency room seeking help but they are non compliant with their health or they get upset when they don't get what they want - @Kismet237

★ Question 8: What effect does talking about the same issue (or to the same member) has on your empathy level?

For me, YES!! I find that I feel burned out and no longer objective. - @RocketsMom

Talking about the same issue... I don't feel it affects my empathy, but sometimes I really feel stressed as my mind can sometimes hit a limit of ideas. For this, Google is often my friend! - @QuickJazz

I think it depends on the member's view. If they are constantly complaining, I get burned out, but I LOVE to hear from a member later that they are doing better or working on their issue. - @WhimsicalNarwhal83

★ Question 9: When listening to someone who has been through something youve been through personally, how can that affect your empathy?

it increases it - @wonderfulPumpkin71

i feel i can help more cause i've already been there - @Lightwater

Sometimes I am able to be more empathetic because I've been there. But, other times, if the topic is still too fresh or I haven't come to peace with at least some of it, I become more disengaged (less empathetic). - @RocketsMom

I feel it can make managing empathy a little challenging, Joy. In that it has the potential to make my feelings of connection override their experiences, in that.. I think it's so similar that it is the same as what I went through and come to dismiss or overlook their individual experiences and place with it, etc. - @QuickJazz

I am very careful about what I say when I talk to someone about a situation I've been through so I don't compare or assume that their experience is the same as mine. - @WhimsicalNarwhal83

i tend to give advice of what i should have done in that situation and we talk abt it together .. if the solution is good for them - @Lightwater

★ Question 10: What impact can listening to someone talk about the same problem over and over again have on your empathy?

i get angry .. i often go off line. i try to keep calm but then .. i just lose it cause my patience reaches its limit - @Lightwater

decrease in empathy!! It's like come on already, change! - @contentedFlamingo47

that's usually when I get frustrated and less objective. I feel more robotic then because I don't want to upset them yet I don't feel as much for them. - @RocketsMom

it can lessen my empathy, joy or cause my empathy to feel less real - @wonderfulPumpkin71

It can cause burnout, resulting in compassion fatigue and a loss of empathy! Personally, I can get stressed, as it goes back to the whole wanting to have something new to say/different to add, so to help them come out of the loop. - @QuickJazz

★ Question 11: What are some reasons you might feel unable to empathize with someone?

When I am in not so good mood reputation frustrates me a lot. It in a pleasant mood I can take it and reason that even though the exp might be similar there is some differences of minor nature that can be pointer to resolve the situation. - @OverPouringCup

I find any struggle with it is more of a struggle with an inability to express empathy than to feel it. Sometimes I wish I did not have to say anything, I could just.. shoot beams of understanding into them and they'd just know, but one has to express it. - @QuickJazz

I find it a struggle to empathize with racist people, giving the most compassionate care possible but I realize they are a product of their own environment. - @contentedFlamingo47

I may not be able to empathize when I am too tired to be objective or have patience. Same with if I am too burned out. - @RocketsMom

when am too tired and not in bad mood i just don't take chats - @Lightwater

★ Question 12: What should you do when as a listener you feel you can no longer empathize with someone?

Remove yourself from the chat in a polite way - @WhimsicalNarwhal83

refer the person to another listener - @wonderfulPumpkin71

I have found that, since not taking ongoing chats, I am not in that situation as often. But, if, with time, I still find I cannot empathize, I do refer them. I usually wait several chats but it may happen. - @RocketsMom

I think if we are tired and can't empathize it's better we switch to a member account or just be offline till get some relaxed time. - @OverPouringCup

★ Question 13: What can you do to avoid losing empathy towards someone?

look at documentaries/articles that explains more about their situation - @wonderfulPumpkin71

Definitely use resources to help move the conversation. And self care to relax and recharge - @WhimsicalNarwhal83

To avoid losing empathy towards someone I believe you need to be patient. - @Johnny20

i don't take people's insult in here are real .. i mean people come her e because they issues .. i never take it as insult no matter how rude they can be - @Lightwater

to avoid--practice self-care and boundaries. - @RocketsMom

keeping the knowledge that no matter what, this is a person who has a legitimate issue that is trying to reach out to you - @Yunowho​

Gaining a good understanding of the situation, learning about it or learning about them and their circumstance, etc. Broaden your mind and understanding, opening up to various possibilities, can help with empathy, I think - @QuickJazz

★ Closing Remarks:

The discussion was a hit; a fun, engaging conversation between fellow Listeners that can benefit a lot of people as the questions are something that every Listener struggles with in his journey atleast once. Everyone was very kind and supportive of each other and @Joyseeker summarised the responses in an excellent, informative manner. We learnt that showing empathy is important, it can also be hard in certain situations and recognising such situations is vital.

★ Participants:

@JoySeeker @Resolve @RocketsMom @contentedFlamingo47 @wonderfulPumpkin71 @QuickJazz @OverPouringCup @Baze @WhimsicalNarwhal83 @OneHundredNames @Lightwater @Kismet237 @Johnny20 @Yunowho

​(If this was the first discussion that you attended, please take the time to nominate yourself for the Aristotle badge, which you can do by going to the 'my impact' page, and then pressing 'Apply for special badges', below your list of badges)