Personality Disorders Community Check-in: October 31st–November 6th
Hello, PD Support Community!
🎃 How has your week been?
🎃 Today is Halloween in many countries, and it's a day when people dress up in costumes and masks. Do you ever feel like you wear a "mask" in your daily life to hide parts of yourself?
If you prefer not to answer these questions, feel free to say hello, ask for a hug, or share anything else that's on your mind. 🧡
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@QuietMagic Happy Halloween! 🎃👻
My week was full of ... very little. Somehow, I didn't get much done, almost didn't leave the house, even. Lots of calories and long sleeping, though. Guess I'm in winter mode, lol.
Yes, of course I wear a mask like that. I'm a very secretive person, I suppose.
@QuietMagic hi !! i really appreciate your check ins even though i dont say stuff all the time !
i'm really attached to physical touch and affection but my issues make it hard for me to understand other people's feelings about it and honestly im not bothered, but its an interesting thing that happens to me ! on that note i would love to give anyone a hug if they need/want it !! <3
bye bye !
@loftalex07
Hello! Glad that you decided to reply, appreciate that the check-ins are appreciated, and of course no obligation to reply. 😊
Oh yeah, physical touch and affection can be pretty amazing. You mentioned not understanding people's feelings about it--is that kind of like wanting to give hugs to everyone but sometimes other people don't want hugs?
@QuietMagic
yeah, mostly like that ! its weird to me sometimes because i dont get some social cues and the things people leave most unspoken is physical touch boundaries :{ i dont take it personally but it gets frustrating when i need some form of touch but no one is transparent about it
@loftalex07
Makes sense, I imagine there are some people who are always touch-friendly, other people who never really want hugs, and people for whom it varies depending on the day. Maybe it's necessary with certain people to ask something like "would it be okay for me to give you a hug" or "would you be okay with giving me a hug"
@QuietMagic
we wear a mask a lot around family members, but since we moved we finding we not have to wear masks. here were we are now we able to be the real us. only a few know we DID here too. but when we lived close to family in our home town. mom for her own benefit used our DXs to get attention and pity. so she tell others we was crazy and other personal things too. this made it like everyone know our business and also they believed her about things she said about us that was not truth.
the hardest part was even community mental health believed her lies and also said she was our best support even with us saying she was one of our abusers. this only made us not trust them and wear masks around them too. but even the community mental health is different here they believe us. seem odd that moving can help so much at times. we finding it ok to be us. still not ready to trust a whole lot offline. that even getting better in many ways too.
we was not on yesterday much due to Halloween very hard on us as far as memorizes.
@stormieandpaws
Wow, that makes a lot of sense that there would be masking in that sort of situation: having someone who's abusive and sharing info about you, most of which isn't true, largely for her own benefit--with other people believing her and not believing you.
I'm happy that you've been able to get away from that and find a different group of people where you're able to be more of yourself and have it go more smoothly (people believe what you say and it feels a bit more safe to share things). Understandable that there would still be a lot of accumulated distrust when you were in an unsafe situation for such a long time and you've felt what that's like.
Yeah, holidays or milestones can be difficult. What's happy or exciting for some people isn't that way for everyone. 💜
@QuietMagic
yes it was hard due to everyone kinda thought we liked the same things. being my home town and both my mom and dad had lived there since they was kids. too. so when we started talking about the abuse many did not believe us. both my parents' and most my family way different when out around others. then when they with you at home. but we free now. but holidays are hard due to we lone on most them now. but that better then being were it unsafe too.
so holidays bring up bad memories' and well it when we feel the lost. due to others are with family on the holidays.
but being safe and being able to be who i really am is great
@stormieandpaws
Ugh, yeah I think that's pretty common within abusive families for there to be a "public" face and then a "private" one--and for someone who's only seen the public face it might seem like "how could there possibly be anything wrong?" I'm sorry that people didn't believe you because of that.
Makes sense also what you're saying about holidays having this sense of loss around them (but also that it's what's best for you to be in a safe place even if it feels lonely). I wonder whether it's possible to start some new traditions on those days, like connecting with new people.
@QuietMagic
thank you were we live there really no way to connected with others at least for us. we do go to church and am in a small group there. called helping hands we do things for places in the community' like making bags that the new life center put stuff in and give to new moms. also make them for foster care closet we have make things that go into the shoebox Christmas thing that get sent all over the world to kids. also send out cards for the military to have so they can send to family members. we do other stuff too. so we do connected there some but not outside the group.
many offline find us odd and due to having to perform as a young child. how our social anxiety come out is we over talk and talk loud at times but we not like see we doing it. growing up we was very isolated so lack relationship skills also due to out learning disabilities. we can not tell when another is upset with us can not read others either. this makes connecting with others very hard for us. also others seem to not want to connected with us outside of the group. it been like this most our life.
also when we was married our now ex would not allow us to have friends, go out ect. we was with our kids 24/7. so it hard for us to make friends offline. ones we have made are mostly lot older then us. we do enjoy going to the group and church that really only place we go we connected with others.
were we live is very small city and not places to go out to meet people at either. do have a home aid that come 3 days a week for about 2 hours have made friends with her. also buses here only run 5 days a week from 7am to 5pm so lots of things are at night so can not go to them.
most my life we been outcasts and people think we odd so even when young we had only like 2 friends and our best-friend from age 4yr to 10yr life was taken by her mom. so we was very hurt by that and did not understand that at all.
do have many friends online over the years have meet a few offline and have talked on phone with very few of them too. mostly ones who kinda feel like me.
@stormieandpaws
Yeah, it sounds like there have been a lot of barriers to being able to make friends offline (i.e. being different, anxiety, not having developed relationship skills, ex preventing you from making friends in the past, small city without places to meet people, lack of transportation at night).
I'm glad that you have the small group at the church (sounds like that's doing a lot of good for people too 💜), the online friends, and the home aid--and that you've been able to find some people who feel similar.
@QuietMagic
yes were i live almost all the cities up here very small and some not even have any buses our covers the whole county not just in the city. also used for some school kids due to bus place get grants from government to do that. keep what other pay for ride down too. plus the buses go door to door no bus stops lol. we love living here but has some drawback. other then meeting people at church there only bars and like stores to meet people. due to we not drink anymore and not go into bars. that ones out lol.
yes we did not learn a lot of skills most people have for relationships and saw wrong kids of them. my dad was very abusive to my mom but never hit her. but was every other type of abuse. so was very bad things happening in our home growing up. we only ones that will admit it was abuse others just state it was the way things was back then. my dad thinks that what wrong with kids now days that they not get spanked and all. say that why they rude and disrespected full. but we see it as we had a lot of unhealthy fear of parents due to how they treated us.
so we learning new healthy ways and willing to call things what they be.
@stormieandpaws
I think that's totally fair to feel afraid of your parents if things were bad growing up, and recognizing that things were bad has been healthy and helpful. (Side-note: there's actually a lot of research showing that physical punishment of children doesn't work very well and ends up causing more harm than good.)
@QuietMagic
thank you we agree that physical punishment does not work. we remember mom saying wait until your dad get home. this said when she thought we did something wrong. we remember being so fearful of our dad. we even hide when he came home and that was even when mom had not said that. so growing up we feared our dad and to some point mom too. so we only behaved out of fear of getting hurt. we be more sneaky about things too. due to not wanting to get hit. this also even after becoming adult we never could trust parents. due to we feared them still.
many parents even today of kids need to learn putting the fear of you into your children is wrong. to this day we can not talk truth to parents sadly we never had a good relationship with them. so if a child is only good due to they fear parent is that good no.
