The Lonely Narcisisst Club Band
I'm an older but active gentleman.
I continue to Alienate people. When all I want to do is help.
Reflection shows how I have alienated all that have crossed my path since grade school.
I see it as plain as day but I still misstep instictively and consistently.
I have become a cowardly narcissist and never seeing it for so many years is mind blowing.
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I want to express the making of a cowardly narcissist (myself). Others may differ.
I want to be a crybaby about it.
I want to talk about daily encounters where I failed empathy.
I'd like to talk about the benefits of a healthy narcissistic point of view.
I want to learn instantaneous empathy for others.... Instead of solutions for them.
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I welcome any and all conversations.
Happy New Year Ya'll. 😀.
I did not resolve my relationship with my niece this year but it is gonna be a focal point for next year.
I was waiting until I resolved my niece issue before interacting with the family but this year I changed that tact because so much time is going by (3+ years), I thought it was time to reach out to other family members.
That was a good move. I found several family members eager re-engage. But more revealing was finding the family members that just have a hateful heart in general and not necessarily in regards to me for any other reason but to pass judgment.
I feel like for the first time, I understand more what happened in depth behind the scenes. The damage is done but understanding it will help me navigate it better.
Thank you guys for being a positive reinforcement..... And this journey will surely continue into next year but I'm confident it will be resolved and I'm really looking forward to that regardless of how it gets resolved. It's season has come. 🙂
@IsayUncle
Hello! Makes sense that you felt like putting the niece issue on the back burner and focusing on the rest of the family rather than delaying any longer.
Sounds like the responses from the family were productive in both cases:
-People interested in re-engaging - yay
-People found to be deeply judgmental and impossible to restart a relationship with - uncomfortable/painful but possibly helpful in that you're able to say "I tried my best", give up, and refocus your energy/affection where it can have some positive impact
Hoping that this coming year continues to build on last year and that you get the evolution and resolution you're looking for. 😊
@QuietMagic
Happy New Year! 😃. I hope things are treating you well and you have a reinvigorated start for the new year.
Thanks for your input. I think my next step will be a concentrated but selfless effort to force a contact between my niece and myself.
When I use the word selfless and force, it's more like, an intentional last gasp or you might say being sure that I turned over each stone. Instead of letting her silence treatment dictate the situation between us (forever more), try to get some dialogue so that there is a clear understanding between us. Positve or Negative.
Selfless in my eyes, is doing this so she does not continue to live with this black mark on her heart. It could be argued, I'm assuming she has a black mark on her heart. That may be true but I think it is a very good assumption.
Forced contact we'll be using other family members to reach out to her. Primarily, her significant other who has been a long time boyfriend/husband type. I have chosen not to discuss the situation with other family members in the past because it was important to me, to keep it between us.
I just realized that I hadn't finished the story about what happened between us. In short, I thought my niece and I were very close. And we truly were on many levels.
She was working on her real estate license so I thought it was a great idea to let her try to sell our house. There are several conditions that had to be addressed before the sale of the house. The most important one was getting my nephew and his family out of the house to make the sale.
I had not realized how much my niece had grown to dislike me and that goes into my narcissistic personality and family angst against me. My niece sided with my Ex (Our seperation was in process) in the process of selling our house. It was all done with judgement, greed and harshness but it got done. I was excised from the equation.... (I know, sour grapes, right? Maybe, but not quite just that.)
That event completely exposed the true nature of, and broke our trust with each other. We have not spoken since and it's negative energy impacts other cousins, my other nieces and nephews.
So this situation has had a big negative impact on the entire family environment. (Not only In regards to my own realm, but also an additional cloud overall). Maybe not significant anymore while I'm out of view, but coming into view could generate bad feelings if there's no attempt at an understanding if not a resolution.
@cloudysummer (shared - rest of story) and Happy New Year to you 😀.
@Egoassist
Thank you!
Sorry that the niece sided with your ex, and makes sense that that would have caused a rift between the two of you. (And in terms of what you mentioned of it creating negative energy within the family in general, I guess it causes some general awkwardness for two people within the family to have a rift?)
You're hoping to try to reconnect and start over if possible, with the idea being that if you were able to talk with her, there could be some mutual understanding. And this feels like something you'd want to try to resolve now while you're in the process of reaching out to the rest of the family--so that it doesn't seem like you're avoiding her or singling her out by not contacting her.
I'm wondering about the "forced contact" strategy and the "black mark"/"selflessness". Not sure I fully understood, but going to take some guesses/make some assumptions and you can let me know if this is accurate or not.
1) "Forced contact": you want to reach out to your niece through her significant other because you don't have any other way of getting into contact with her (e.g. she refuses to talk to you). And if that doesn't work, then at least you'll have "turned over every stone" and tried what you could.
2) "Black mark"/"selflessness": by the black mark, you mean that she has a lot of animosity toward you that doesn't need to be there. What makes this effort feel selfless is this idea of "she has a lot of friction/tension related to me that doesn't need to be there; if we're able to figure things out, it'll make things more harmonious, not only between us but within the family in general".
@QuietMagic
Hi Quiet, I hope your new year beginning is treating you well. Thank you again for another clear and concise interpretation what I'm trying to say. You have nailed it, as usual. 😄. Not only that, you put things into words that are easier to relate to than the way I say them.
"2) "Black mark"/"selflessness": by the black mark, you mean that she has a lot of animosity toward you that doesn't need to be there. What makes this effort feel selfless is this idea of "she has a lot of friction/tension related to me that doesn't need to be there; if we're able to figure things out, it'll make things more harmonious, not only between us but within the family in general".
These particular sentences and structure are perfect for me. It's something easy for me to share with others and my Niece that makes it relatable and understandable of why I want to pursue a resolution. It is very accurate and it goes beyond just hurt feelings and judgmental reflections.
Being insecure and feeling inferior my entire life span, I adopted these common acts of "trying to please" and "craving attention". In the social world, but more importantly (my world), I think these actions have caused dislike and animosity towards me.
Basically, people in general just don't like me after they get to know me. And there's conversations with others that bolster the same perspective. The one thing I can say about myself, is that I've never passed harsh judgment on others or perpetuated negative rumor talk towards others. I've always tried to tamp things down and just tried a more understanding/peaceful perspective in bad situations. (I realize now, that this has actually alienated me further because people in conflict are looking for other people to get on thier side).
“A friend to all is a friend to none.” Aristotle
I can't say that my peaceful approach was altruistic because i think it was anchored more by insecurity and cowardice. Being afraid to alienate anyone.
But, with that said, I am proud of myself for never getting sucked into pointless, hateful, judgmental conversations just to be included in a group of people. It is good that I have talked with some family members and found a sense of acceptance, while at the same time understanding why I have alienated others or why others have alienated me, may be more accurate.
My eagerness for re-involvement has actually turned into an altruistic motive. (It'a not about my insecurity anymore). My issue with my niece is actually a separate Entity from all the negative energy that I see, in general, within my family environment. Out of the bad comes the good and this is the good that is developing because of the bad situation with my niece.
I'm still not sure how to approach the animosity and negative energy that I created because of my personality flaws in the past but I do know, that I will approach them honestly with the understanding that I may not be able to resolve how people feel about me from my past.
I guess this post has mixed and mingled my narcissistic personality interpretation with the solution to talking to my niece. But, it really is that complicated for me, so thanks for listening. 😃
@Egoassist
Hey, glad that I managed to come up with an accurate summary. 😊
From what you've said, earlier in your life, you were struggling a lot with feeling insecure and feeling afraid of conflict or people disliking you. As a result of this, you took a "people-pleasing" approach to conversations with others. And ironically, that created some conflict with certain people.
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I'd say that something that really stands out in what you wrote is that... there's a sort of value-based, principled, ethical stance there. "I don't want to say mean, harmful, inaccurate, judgmental things that might hurt somebody. And if me refusing to do that means that I'm not on quite as good terms with someone whose primary way of forming friendships is by elevating themselves at the expense of others and spreading rumors in a self-serving way... then I'm willing to be disliked or a bit alienated/disconnected from people like that. That's not who I am and not who I want to be. I'm not perfect, but I'm proud of myself for not being someone who acts like that. I genuinely care about being understanding and maintaining peace."
From that angle, it sounds like you didn't really do anything wrong? Your family was petty and judgmental, they wanted you to join in, you weren't willing to do that, and that led to alienation and them disliking you. (Unless if there are other flaws/actions from your side you're thinking of that might have contributed to the conflict?)
