relationships
i find it really hard to get new relationships. i only get to know someone if i will have something from them. since i dont have a driving license, in my previous job i was forced to call an uber which costed me so much because i live in another city. but then, one of my coworkers liked me and offered me lifts up after every shift for free. only someone so stupid would refuse and so we became friends. after i left this job ive decided to keep in touch because they are buying me gifts which i enjoy.
other people? i dont care. there are currently two people that want to get me know better but i find it so exhausting. i dont care about your day, your struggles, you are nothing to me, i wont notice if you dissapear. i like the attention, we can talk about me. ask me questions, i like answering them. it sounds horrible, doesnt it?
but at the other hand, when we talk about relationships and being together, i think im a good partner. i had to breakup with my previous girlfriend because when we started dating she wasnt awared that shes transgender. she told me this, i talked with her we need to breakup because, apparently, im not bisexual. just the idea of being with a girl built up kind of disgust with me. i immediately started seeing her as a girl and i distanced myself in a second. she cried a lot and i kinda moved on after 15 minutes of being a little bit sad
it happened over 3 years ago, from that moment ive been single, we still have contact and she has a boyfriend now. the main reason i was interested in her was because i was attracted to her physically. like, a lot. i find it extremely important for a guy to be attractive in my eyes. "oh, i was thinking the same until i found my current boyfriend and i fall in love with his character first!" shut up. this is about me. great you think that way, but i wont date someone i dont find attractive. im not sure if i can even fall in love, dont know if its possible for me. with my ex - the most intense feeling i had towards her was this light warm in my heart a few times that lasted for few seconds max. ive never felt something like that, it was the most intense feeling i had for anyone.
dont get me wrong, if a guy is handsome and charming but is acting like an *** i wont waste my time for him. strict rules in relationships are important. you break them? i wont hesitate to leave you and move on without any regret. im not pathetic like most of people that will find any excuse to glorify them and refuse to break up
i wouldnt say im ugly or handsome. maybe im somwhere in between being mid and attractive. i had a lot of people finding me attractive and trying to make something more with me but i wasnt interested. everyone, even random people from my highschool i dont know are commenting my photos on *** saying i should be a model with my face. in highschool i was considered handsome but also an outsider
i know im talking about a lot of things, but one lead to another, they are connected and ive never talked to anyone about mu thoughts or feeling. well, it happened once and my friendship of 9 years was destroyed. didnt cry about it tho
@Oktawian
Hello and welcome to 7 Cups!
Your post is in the Personality Disorder Support section and if I had found your description in a book, I would think it was an example of the narcissistic personality disorder. But I cannot fully grasp what is your point...
Narcissistic people rarely feel any guilt or compassion, they are usually self-centred and tend to think they're OK, only the rest of the world is wrong. But it seems like you want to feel or change something. As far as I understand it narcissistic behaviours might also be built on actually very low self-esteem, being emotionally neglected, rejected or unseen, something like trying to fill an empty vessel.
Also, I think being narcissistic should not be mistaken for keeping to some healthy boundaries, like leaving a relationship when someone is not to our basic standards (e.g. abusive, heavy drinking, cheating or living not in accordance with our values and core beliefs).
When someone gives me a lift it is certainly no one-sided story. For me it is about pleasure of a good companionship more than commuting itself. Someone is telling me his or her stories, sharing their views and values, and I can tell them mine. It can be sometimes scary, sometimes a lot of fun. Despite me being in someone else's car, it is on equal terms (both persons are asking questions about the other) and it's an opportunity to spend time in a much more interesting way than alone in the bus and know each other better.
My question is: You have certainly not posted here with no reason. So, what is the reason behind it? What you would like to change?
hi, thanks for your comment. for what youve said about npd - i went to a psychologist last year in july, where he told me that i more likely have an aspd but he refused to work more with me since he didnt feel comfortable with my "problems". i wanted to book appointments with two others but in interview, when i told them what the previous specialist came up with, they also refused to work with me, but becasue they didnt feel educated enough in aspd. even though i choose them because they had in their descriptions they are focusing on people with personality disorders
i used to show some symptoms in my childhood, while some were developed due to growing up in abusive house. i find it hard in listening to others because i cant force myself to care or be interested, unless its related somehow to me, for example: i like listening to stories from my previous job from this one friend that was giving me lift ups, because shes still working there. i also have two other friends that ive known for almost 16 years now. from the description of others, i think i can call them my best friends. they are the only person that i just spend my time with because im okay with their company, i sometimes ask about their lifes, send warm message when they are struggling because this is what they are expecting - emotional support. ive learned what they need and im doing it. but if they would one day dissapear, i wouldnt be devastated nor hurt. i simply wouldnt care
the main problem with finding new friends for me is the boredom ive mentioned. im this type of person that would ask a lot of questions in the beginning, act warm and interested - i think i can say im just masking and putting this lovely, charismatic personality on while mirroring them. but i quickly get bored of other people even if nothing between us had changed. and if i give up so quickly on people, then i wouldnt find anyone. and dont get me wrong - i dont need to be in touch with people, but there are moments where i just need someone to talk to and spend time to kill this boredom in my life
my reason? i have no idea. i think i just wanted to share it with someone since my friends arent educated in mental health. maybe some advices about keeping the contact with other people with my situation and mental health
@Oktawian
As far as I know psychologists may refuse to treat ASPD, because they think it's usually incurable - as a kind of built-in lack of some part of wiring in the brain. But is your situation real, genetic ASPD, or the one induced by childhood trauma?
From my personal experience, when people are exposed to abuse and manipulative behaviours, they may often switch to a "save yourself mode", and then some family members (especially the manipulative ones) may accuse them of having no feelings or being self-centred.
Mirroring the behaviours of the people you like seems like a good idea.
I wonder what is behind your word "boredom"... And why you want to fill it with people, while other options must be available... Is "boredom" something like feeling empty inside or needing warmth of contact with other live beings?
hi sorry but i cant reply to your comment, i have these words when km trying to send the reply about being in crisis and seeking help or something like that. ive tried to edit it, use different words and stuff but it wont let me lol
@Oktawian
I am sorry if anything I said was hurtful to you. Speaking of ASPD, I am still less and less convinced the diagnosis for you was correct.
I am not a professional, but I think an anti-social person would not use the word "sorry", would never hesitate if her or his actions were right, would never say she was in a crisis or needed help. An anti-social person would act to the rule "I am OK, but the rest of the world are losers" - and you don't seem to be like that.
It looks for me like you might have been deeply hurt and feel numb, but your feelings are still there...
im using the word sorry because i know the "rules" that society made up. the same when you say "hello" when you enter the store, when you hold doors for someone, when you say "bless you" when someone sneezes. it makes me appear as a good person and its putting me in a great position with such simple acts
i might had used wrong words due to the language difference between english and my native one - i didn't say i am in crisis, i was trying to tell a story that happened some time ago but 7cup wouldnt let me post it because it appeared to the guildlines as if i was in crisis at the moment. the system wouldnt let me share it because it found something in my comment. thats it
@Oktawian
Sorry that the automatic censor is sometimes over-zealous. From what I understand, it just looks for a list of specific keywords/phrases. So it doesn't understand what's being said and can sometimes flag certain English phrases/idioms that have nothing to do with crisis/suicidality/etc. when read in context.