Thoughtful Thursday: Anger

Thanks for posting this QuietMagic.

Something a counselor shared once about anger has been really helpful to me:

Anger is a secondary emotion. You are never just angry. Angry is the reaction to a primary emotion.

As soon as you can recognize the anger you have to ask yourself. What emotion is causing the anger? Am I embarrassed, betrayed, frustrated, annoyed, etc.

What caused that primary emotion, and how can I fix it? Sometimes there is no fix other than radically accepting that stuff happens outside of my control. Shifting away from the anger and focusing on the primary emotion allows the anger to dissipate.

Hope this little jewel of information can help someone else with their journey. I still get angry, but I'm quicker to resolve the anger rather than let it spiral out of control and land me in a mess to clean up.

@ARC80

Thanks for sharing! I can definitely relate to that. Sometimes there is a different feeling that I don't want to experience and anger happens as a defensive response to that feeling. And at a certain point, the anger might cause more suffering or end up being more difficult/problematic than the original feeling that I'm trying to ward off.

I am definitely bookmarking this forum page/post like right now!

@ARC80 I have heard that many times as well. Anger is or can be an "easier" emotion. Other people see you "feeling angry" when you may actually be feeling something very different - sad, dismissed, alone, frus-tra-ted!, etc. The primary emotion is what can lead a person to react with anger.

You are right in saying that anger is not primary; there is another emotion that is lying behind the anger. It can be very hard at times to dig out what that other emotion is - especially if you are very used to 'how are you feeling?' - 'I don't know I'm just mad!'

I think anger can be used almost as a shield too. In dealing with others, if I see or feel that they are angry that may lead me to ... choose a different desk in class, drive home the long way, or sit further from that person in the breakroom at work. This same person may be feeling intense levels of sadness or grief. This person may be very much hurting inside; yet he/she is portraying "anger" to the world perhaps in hopes that others will keep their distance (see? shield).

By the way, (the listener side of me) says using anger as a shield is *not* a healthy mode of conduct. Portraying anger to the world can be used as a defense mechanism, but it is not a healthy way of coping.

@QuietMagic, This is a well-timed post for me - good things to reflect on, within my real/offline life. I also appreciate the notes of references. Anger is (or can be) really hard on me, a 'taxing' sort of emotion. It will be good for me to be able to return to this and read more later. Thank you! ~Platy

@cyanPlatypus6370

I'm glad it felt timely and relevant. 💜 I like having the references so that I don't feel like I'm just making stuff up.

That makes a lot of sense what you're saying about anger acting as a shield not only internally (against primary feelings) but also externally (against potentially painful interactions with other people).

I could see that kind of analysis being really helpful just in terms of my own patience/empathy for people who seem bristly or irritable. Like instead of "Wow that person is rude/mean", that kind of understanding might lead to a reaction more like, "It's understandable that they would react that way if they are really hurting because of something and that's led them to feel distrustful or like they need to distance themselves."