The Trifecta: PBPD, IED, and PTSD
I've been in therapy and under psychiatric care for a while now. After being previously misdiagnosed and mistreated for Antisocial Personality Disorder, I have (finally) been diagnosed with Petulant Borderline Personality Disorder (PBPD), Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED), and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Twenty-eight years ago I spent seven months in an antiquated institution and was treated with chemicals and therapies that have long-since been abandoned.
I'm 53 years old, a widower, and really just beginning to scratch the surface of what I hope will finally be the path to something of a happy, healthy life. I don't like all of the medications that I'm on but I grudgingly accept that, at least for now, they are a necessary evil. The therapy is not easy or even remotely comfortable but I believe that it is slowly becoming productive.
The biggest issues that I am dealing with are that I have too much idle time on my hands which often leads me to overthink and dwell on things too much. I just really don't know what to do with myself. I've been asked too many times what I "like to do," a question that has no real answer because there is little that I actually enjoy and none of it is consistent. From one day to the next, even from one hour to the next sometimes, my likes and dislikes can change without warning or reason.
I don't believe in ghosts but I am haunted, chased by specters of poor choices, abuse, and misfortune.
I hate how lost and angry I feel, seemingly all the time. When does it end?
@JerseyGrizzly
I read your post just now and felt the emotional impact of what you shared. The path you are on does sound challenging but for all the right reasons. The fact that you are starting to see progress peeking out around the edges is awesome, given your "trifecta" of diagnoses. It must be frustrating to be expected to have a pile of interesting hobbies at your disposal. I will share that I write whenever I can - writing works no matter your mood. Reviewing a frustrated or angry rant several days later (during a more positive moment) can help to gain perspective. I also use cooking and baking as a way to distract my brain when I start to over-analyze and the thoughts start to overwhelm me. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to eat what I made so have several full meals in the freezer, but I appreciate that I did the cooking on that day a week or two later, when I am completely unmotivated to do anything productive, so this one works out quite well at the end of the day!
@MidwesternCalmSeeker
Thanks for taking the time to respond and to share your insights. It's exceptionally frustrating because while I do have a plethora of options regarding things that I could occupy my time with none of them seem particularly interesting me. Even simple hobbies that I once enjoyed immensely now seem like activities that are just not worth my time or effort. My budget is extremely limited which also hinders my pursuits of distracting activities.
It's easy for me to admit that I am impatient and easily frustrated, two qualities that do not make therapy and progressive care any easier. I have trouble sleeping because my brain just doesn't want to slow down and many of my nights are riddled with flashback nightmares that often wake me up and have my nerves rattled. I know that I'm engaged in a "process" and that my focus is supposed to be on just "getting better," with the demoralizing likelihood that I will never be "cured," That said, the prospect of being in some kind of treatment or therapy for the rest of my life is not a particularly welcome reality that I am ready to embrace.
The most flustering aspect of this is that I keep holding on to the idealistic want for it to just stop, for all of this to just go away, all the while being fully aware that it can't happen that way, it won't happen that way, and that all that I have been through and what has been done to me can't just be undone like the shaking of an Etch-A-Sketch. What's worse is that there is no foreseeable "end game," no attainable goal that I can focus on, no specific result that I can place hope in achieving. There is only a vague idea of "better than yesterday," a perpetuated concept of immeasurable success that I expected to embrace without any real or tangible place or state of being to strive for. It's like running a marathon that has no actual finish line - just keep running anyway.
@JerseyGrizzly The healing process can definitely seem long and daunting. It took over half your life to get you where you are, so getting to a point where you actually feel comfortable in your own skin. However it is not hopeless and you have not been defeated. Life is continually in a state of progress, even without all the trauma reaction and responses. The therapy is hard, and can feel very discouraging. You are human, so being reactive towards people and situation is the nature of the beast. Finding motivation when you can see a purpose, is disheartening. Lacking a sense of I density, because you were suppressed in the healthy development of one would leave you lacking interest in hobbies, even life. You have an huge mountain to climb, but it can be done. Giving power to these obstacles by surrendering to them and excepting non-existence is not the answer. I absolutely wish you all the best. Perhaps we can chat again. Until then take care of you and continue to create your master piece.
@JerseyGrizzly
I have similar to you so everything you wrote resonates with me
I think therapy is generally useless
You say there is no endgame, just a marathon that never ends
What about finding an endgame? Not one of the therapists cuddly little hobbies but a real one? Move to Alaska and live off the land or something... something real anyway
You can be stuck in this "making small progress" cycle forever. It's all a load of nonsense