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JerseyGrizzly
332 M Embraced 3
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts62 Forum posts23 Forum upvotes37 Current upvotes37 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2024 Member sinceFebruary 26, 2022
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The Trifecta: PBPD, IED, and PTSD
Personality Disorders Support / by JerseyGrizzly
Last post
 March 12th, 2024
...See more I've been in therapy and under psychiatric care for a while now. After being previously misdiagnosed and mistreated for Antisocial Personality Disorder, I have (finally) been diagnosed with Petulant Borderline Personality Disorder (PBPD), Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED), and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Twenty-eight years ago I spent seven months in an antiquated institution and was treated with chemicals and therapies that have long-since been abandoned. I'm 53 years old, a widower, and really just beginning to scratch the surface of what I hope will finally be the path to something of a happy, healthy life. I don't like all of the medications that I'm on but I grudgingly accept that, at least for now, they are a necessary evil. The therapy is not easy or even remotely comfortable but I believe that it is slowly becoming productive. The biggest issues that I am dealing with are that I have too much idle time on my hands which often leads me to overthink and dwell on things too much. I just really don't know what to do with myself. I've been asked too many times what I "like to do," a question that has no real answer because there is little that I actually enjoy and none of it is consistent. From one day to the next, even from one hour to the next sometimes, my likes and dislikes can change without warning or reason. I don't believe in ghosts but I am haunted, chased by specters of poor choices, abuse, and misfortune. I hate how lost and angry I feel, seemingly all the time. When does it end?
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12 Days Sober
Addiction Support / by JerseyGrizzly
Last post
 September 13th, 2023
...See more Twelve days into my sobriety and I think the hardest part of it is trying to convince yourself that you're making an improvement in your life while you're feeling worse than you ever remember. It's like eating a plate full of the food you hate the most and telling yourself that it's good for you.
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One Week Sober
Addiction Support / by JerseyGrizzly
Last post
 August 26th, 2023
...See more It's been seven days since I've had a drink. I honestly hoped it would be easier by now but not yet. The cravings are still there. The urges are still pretty strong. Sleep is still a struggle. Eating is kind of hit-or-miss. And I still haven't found the motivation to get back to the gym yet. My interpersonal skills are nowhere close to what they should be. I'm still avoiding people as much as possible. My limited patience and tolerance makes me too irritable and confrontational to be around others right now. I can't seem to find joy, comfort, or peace in anything. I'm just plain miserable. Historically I've always handled feelings and memories that I don't like in one of two ways: I either drink or I shut down emotionally and go numb. Apathy and Anhedonia are truly horrible things for both the person experiencing them and everyone they're involved with. When you can't find joy in anything and you lose your sense of empathy and compassion then you don't feel like you're in a black hole, you feel like you ARE the black hole. Your mind knows better but it can't seem to convince your heart, After quite a season of uncertainty and emptiness I believe that last night God revealed to me why he's keeping me around. Since I was 16 years old I've been trained and conditioned to help others. I've performed this service as an Emergency Medical Technician (EMT-D) with a volunteer ambulance and through charitable endeavors organized by the church. I'd like to believe that the reason God keeps waking me up in the morning is that He knows I'm not done with my chores here and that I'm still supposed to be helping others, but maybe not just yet, Last night I found myself looking at other peoples posts and offering critical examinations and advice, which is what made me realize that I'm still here to try to help others in their darkest hours. However I also recognize that maybe I should be getting myself better first. Right now everything is very black-or-white, very pragmatic, and very cold. Looking over what I offered to others last night I believe that while what I offered was technically accurate it was also lacking in compassion, very matter-of-fact, and maybe a little too stoic. Some people benefit from bold and blunt advice but most would draw more inspiration from suggestions that have a deeper appreciation for the emotions that they're dealing with at the time. So maybe it's what I'm meant to do, but just not yet. Maybe one week of sobriety is just a bit too soon. I pray that you all find peace, courage, strength, and comfort this day.
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