Scared
Hello, I have been worried about having a cluster B personality disorder for quite some time. I recognize and believe that pwPDs should be treated with compassion and it is ableist to hold stigma toward these diagnoses.
However, when it comes to myself, I am very worried that I have either BPD or vulnerable NPD (or traits of one or both). I feel this makes me “bad” and I’ll never be cured of my badness. I feel emotions like shame very strongly, almost in a physical way. I get stuck in it quite frequently and find it difficult to function in life. I don’t take care of myself and lay in bed and cry and think very negatively. I also think I don’t deserve to be around anyone even though I desperately want to, and I know it’s not rational.
I’ve done bad things in my past. I’ve been told I have no empathy. I always thought I did but then I became aware - empathy really is limited in me. And that scares me. And I’m worried it only scares me because I’m simply worried about how other people may perceive me as “bad” if they knew.
I’m so internally self-obsessed. I used to think I had interests and hobbies, but it was always validation-seeking. And now that I’m aware and collapsed, I have nothing that I enjoy and life feels scary, empty and it’s all my own fault.
I am constantly stuck in a victim mentality about my own problems. And I ruminate perpetually even though I try not to. It’s like I just can’t get out.
I met a loving partner a little over a year ago on a dating app. We got into a relationship and they began living with me. They are so kind, genuinely empathetic, and compassionate to everyone. Total opposite of me in those things. I am so envious of them. I envy their job, their competence, their ability to make and keep and enjoy true close friends. Their ability to truly love. I’m afraid I can’t truly love. I feel stuck in a brain I don’t want to be in.
My partner was and has been very supportive of me. Driving me to appointments, making me food, just being a kind presence. But over time, my mental health issues are wearing them down and we are growing distant and disconnected. I am scared our relationship will end. It scares me to depths I thought I’d never reach. I feel physically sick sometimes.
I feel I have to avoid them until I can regulate myself, because otherwise I cry and rant about my problems and end up apologizing. Sometimes I end up begging them not to leave and hugging them pretty much begging for comfort. They at this point feel more like a caretaker than a romantic partner. I want to be a good partner for them. They said they feel unwanted due to our disconnection and lack of intimacy. I want to give them these things. But I just feel so awful all the time.
I have a therapist I’ve been speaking to for over a year, every week. But I’m afraid he doesn’t really know me and maybe I’ve somehow manipulated him into thinking I’m not a narcissist or bad person (I know the two are not actually synonymous, but I can’t feel that for myself).
I’ve even done ketamine therapy, comprehensive DBT, and so many therapies and medications of all types over the years. I’m currently trying the antidepressant Auvelity. I listen to audiobooks about self-compassion and acceptance and yet I still hate myself. I compare myself to everyone at all times. I am so internally judgmental and mean toward others. I’m losing hope that I’ll ever feel better. I’m scared I just won’t be able to have a true healthy relationship. And through it all, I continue to just be self-focused and self-obsessed. I’m so scared and sad and it feels like it will never end.
A part of me wants to believe I’m “good” and am simply just worried I have a PD, instead of actually having one. But I am waking up to the truly dysfunctional patterns I’ve exhibited throughout my life. And I fear it is all my own fault and I fear my sense of self is fake. I am so envious of others, it’s painful to be around them. I just want my partner to love me and be with me, yet I can’t truly give that to him even though I want to.
Is anyone going through something similar? Does anyone have any support or advice or resources to handle these things?
Thank you for reading.
@blueZebra4302
Labels are helpful for a general understanding of what's going on, for reaching supportive communities, and for insurance purposes, but beyond that...they just aren't. Throughout the past decade, different professionals have given me different labels: It's autism- no, it's sensory processing disorder- no, it's misophonia! It's social anxiety disorder- no, it's generalized anxiety disorder- no, it's a personality disorder! It's bipolar disorder- no, it's depression! At the end of the day, I'm still me and I know what my problems are and you know what? That's all that matters! And just because I have problems, that doesn't mean I myself am 'bad'. And that doesn't mean you are 'bad' either. Stop labeling yourself with disorders as an excuse to punish yourself further because you know that isn't productive. You know what your problems are. The solution is to stop being in your head so much and just take action- easier said than done, right? But, for people like us who are prone to getting sucked into ourselves, it's the only thing that really counts. It's easier to give in and just spiral- trust me, I collapse into tears and self-destruction every other night. You want to be around people, but you feel like you are too defective to deserve anything- I relate on that too.
When you are already struggling with yourself so much, external validation can be a lifesaver when it comes to keeping your hobbies and interests alive- don't feel ashamed about needing that external support. I realized I only write stories and I only make art if I have an audience and I can't just do it for myself because I believe that I'm just not worth it- like, if others can't see it, then what's the point of expressing myself? It's put me in a hole until I just embraced it and took up posting poetry here and joining a local art class where the teacher and fellow students can praise me. If you can't be nice to yourself, let others be nice to you- it's okay, don't be ashamed while you are already struggling.
You sound a lot like me. I'm not a fan of relying on labels too much, but I researched the enneagram theory and found that learning about type 4 and how that personality can grow has helped me recognize some root problems in myself and how I might best move forward with getting mentally healthier. I think I might actually like personality theories like mbti and enneagram, because while they aren't scientifically backed, at least none of these personality labels have the word 'disorder' in them.
So, enneagram type 4 personalities feel like there is something wrong with them- they might have not been understood by their parents as they grew up and this led to this 'I'm too weird, I'm wrong, I'm broken' kind of belief- and instead of running away from this brokeness they GLORIFY IT. They won't let go of it. They let it define them and their favorite pass time is to marinate in self-misery and be as melodramatic as possible. They don't know how to stop envying people who are 'good and normal' and they cannot believe that they could ever truly connect with all those good and normal people, because they are just TOO broken and different.
The best thing this personality type can do is to GET OUT of their own heads. Focus on what is positive in life and not in what is missing. Maintain a course of action and a routine despite strong emotions. Keep reaching out and trying to focus on others- volunteer work, helping people online, doing favors for people etc. Appreciate the ordinary beauty of the world and separate self-esteem from needing to be 'unique'. Depression and agony aren't more 'true' or 'wise' than happiness and peace.
Ummm...hopefully that helped? I might have just used that last part to blab about my interest in personality theories, but oh well.
