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blueZebra4302
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts6 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2025 Member sinceJanuary 31, 2025
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Scared
Personality Disorders Support / by blueZebra4302
Last post
 1 day ago
...See more Hello, I have been worried about having a cluster B personality disorder for quite some time. I recognize and believe that pwPDs should be treated with compassion and it is ableist to hold stigma toward these diagnoses. However, when it comes to myself, I am very worried that I have either BPD or vulnerable NPD (or traits of one or both). I feel this makes me “bad” and I’ll never be cured of my badness. I feel emotions like shame very strongly, almost in a physical way. I get stuck in it quite frequently and find it difficult to function in life. I don’t take care of myself and lay in bed and cry and think very negatively. I also think I don’t deserve to be around anyone even though I desperately want to, and I know it’s not rational. I’ve done bad things in my past. I’ve been told I have no empathy. I always thought I did but then I became aware - empathy really is limited in me. And that scares me. And I’m worried it only scares me because I’m simply worried about how other people may perceive me as “bad” if they knew. I’m so internally self-obsessed. I used to think I had interests and hobbies, but it was always validation-seeking. And now that I’m aware and collapsed, I have nothing that I enjoy and life feels scary, empty and it’s all my own fault. I am constantly stuck in a victim mentality about my own problems. And I ruminate perpetually even though I try not to. It’s like I just can’t get out. I met a loving partner a little over a year ago on a dating app. We got into a relationship and they began living with me. They are so kind, genuinely empathetic, and compassionate to everyone. Total opposite of me in those things. I am so envious of them. I envy their job, their competence, their ability to make and keep and enjoy true close friends. Their ability to truly love. I’m afraid I can’t truly love. I feel stuck in a brain I don’t want to be in.  My partner was and has been very supportive of me. Driving me to appointments, making me food, just being a kind presence. But over time, my mental health issues are wearing them down and we are growing distant and disconnected. I am scared our relationship will end. It scares me to depths I thought I’d never reach. I feel physically sick sometimes.  I feel I have to avoid them until I can regulate myself, because otherwise I cry and rant about my problems and end up apologizing. Sometimes I end up begging them not to leave and hugging them pretty much begging for comfort. They at this point feel more like a caretaker than a romantic partner. I want to be a good partner for them. They said they feel unwanted due to our disconnection and lack of intimacy. I want to give them these things. But I just feel so awful all the time. I have a therapist I’ve been speaking to for over a year, every week. But I’m afraid he doesn’t really know me and maybe I’ve somehow manipulated him into thinking I’m not a narcissist or bad person (I know the two are not actually synonymous, but I can’t feel that for myself). I’ve even done ketamine therapy, comprehensive DBT, and so many therapies and medications of all types over the years. I’m currently trying the antidepressant Auvelity. I listen to audiobooks about self-compassion and acceptance and yet I still hate myself. I compare myself to everyone at all times. I am so internally judgmental and mean toward others. I’m losing hope that I’ll ever feel better. I’m scared I just won’t be able to have a true healthy relationship. And through it all, I continue to just be self-focused and self-obsessed. I’m so scared and sad and it feels like it will never end. A part of me wants to believe I’m “good” and am simply just worried I have a PD, instead of actually having one. But I am waking up to the truly dysfunctional patterns I’ve exhibited throughout my life. And I fear it is all my own fault and I fear my sense of self is fake. I am so envious of others, it’s painful to be around them. I just want my partner to love me and be with me, yet I can’t truly give that to him even though I want to. Is anyone going through something similar? Does anyone have any support or advice or resources to handle these things?  Thank you for reading.
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