Misunderstood with ASPD
Hi, I recently was properly diagnosed with ASPD. I’m highly intelligent and rational, so I’m pretty high functioning. There seems to be a genetic link in my family but I also experienced severe trauma when I was younger. I show both Primary and Secondary psychopathy traits. I don’t feel empathy or guilt and regret, and my other emotions are dulled, but I do have feelings. I tried talking to someone recently about this diagnosis and was immediately received with “you’re dangerous and crazy and a fake liar”. I was honestly a little surprised because especially since becoming self aware I’ve tried really hard to be a good person and live a good normal life despite my brain wanting other things. It is so exhausting pretending to be this wonderfully sweet empathetic person, but I like that others like me and that I’m able to have a job. If my coworkers found out about me though, they’d go crazy! My former boss was getting her masters in psych and went on about how those with ASPD are dangerous. I don’t want to be seen that way, yet this stereotype is so deeply embedded into people’s minds it’s just hard. I’ve wanted to talk to someone about how challenging it is sometimes to keep it together and not go unhinged despite everything in me wanting to create chaos. I chose a different path. I wish I could talk to people about how isolating and lonely the path of someone like me is. No one wants to hear me out.. I’m seen as evil just because of my diagnosis. And yes, I can feel loneliness and I can feel isolated. I don’t feel things the same way as normal people but I do experience emotions although not as frequently. When I do feel something a little more intensely, it causes me almost a physical discomfort because of how odd it feels to feel. I just hope people will be more understanding of the fact we didn’t chose to be like this and a lot of us are trying to be better.
@VeeEm
Hi, thanks for sharing. 💜 Really sorry that that person you talked to about the diagnosis reacted that way. I don't get the feeling from reading what you wrote that you're lying, dangerous, etc. You seem incredibly thoughtful, deliberate, sincere, and like you're approaching all of this in a balanced and mature way.
It's sort of like people are latching onto that label and clinging to some preconceived idea of "all people with ASPD are __" and that's something that overshadows the living reality of the person in front of them.
You also mentioned how exhausting it is to maintain everything. You
really have to put a lot of effort in and fight/restrain certain parts of
yourself in order to make things work. So when someone just
nonchalantly decides that you're 100% dangerous, it kind of closes
the door on them being able/willing to understand what the actual
experience is like. (There are impulses, but you're able to resist
them, but it's difficult!)
It also makes sense that even though emotions are maybe muted or exist in a narrower range, you still feel things. (And if an emotion does manage to spike up and burst through, like loneliness for example, it can feel pretty intense and uncomfortable.)
Feel free to either reach out by PM or post more here in the forum in the future if you want to share more about anything.
Thank you for your response. It was very encouraging. I’ve definitely lied and manipulated people a lot in my life, but even when I admit that to people they assume I must be lying when I say that as well… as if people with ASPD are incapable of telling the truth ever. I appreciate you being understanding and encouraging. After all, we’re all just people broken in different ways 🫶🏼
@VeeEm
Yeah, sounds almost like people have these unfalsifiable beliefs around ASPD/psychopathy where they think everything must have some kind of sinister/deceptive motive behind it... to the point where even if you're pretty open and say "I'll admit that I do lie pretty often", they think that that can't possibly be truthful.