A VENT vent

I really wish I could be less aware and more in the moment or more in reality so I can take certain situations in and not feel uncertain all the time. I want such terrible things to happen to me so it can get worse and so it makes sense that it got worse. It's so weird noticing the bondage between my father and me, it makes it seem like I'm normal now and nothing's wrong and that there was nothing wrong in the first place, but it only stopped being wrong ever since I stopped expressing my emotions for real. But how did I end up with these symptoms in the first place if I didn't experience trauma? They can't be gone, but I haven't had them for a while. I don't know why. Probably because of my school's events and having no work to do—that must equal "freedom". I don't understand, and I don't think I ever will—did I go through trauma or not? Am I going through trauma right now or am I going through the aftermath of trauma whilst living in the same house that gave me trauma? Why during my states of awareness and reflection I feel 'fine'? I feel like nothing's wrong and that nothing was ever wrong. But at the same time, during these states, I feel 'open' or cold. I wonder if this is what a normal person feels on an everyday basis. I feel nothing, and I feel open. I think I hate it. But I'm not sure. I've gone through two or three long severe mental states—psychosis, depression, and morbid/sadism, and I don't know why. I don't talk to my stepmother, and I bond with my father. It's like nothing ever happened but something DID happen. Something happened that made me decide to not talk to her anymore, something happened that made me decide to not express my emotions near my father and that's why most of what I can see in my father is good. Before my decisions were made I think the experiences were mild and had no proof and lacked consistency, but they still affected me, I think. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm dying.

Maybe she's dying.

Someone or something is dying. I don't know what. I don't think anything's wrong with me but I don't know why any emotion I feel comes out as rage or energy that's hard to keep calm. I don't think anything's wrong with me but I don't know why I crave physical and emotional intensity so much. I don't think anything's wrong with me but I don't know why I kept the small things father gave me to remind me or make sure that he cares. I don't think anything's wrong with me but why does the morbid fascination exist? I don't think anything's wrong with me but what's the deal with subconsciously mimicking people cause I can't be aware of myself whenever I'm around them? I currently have no idea who I am without someone to copy, I don't know what this is. How come I think people are so interesting, etc? Maybe because my brain figured the whole world out the day after I decided to stop engaging in conversation, so it has nothing to learn when it comes to me. Not anymore. But there's an infinite possibility of learning about people inside out without having to talk to them. I want to do something bad to myself—to myself so something could happen. So something could happen—so I can feel pain.

Someone else talking about their trauma or their abuser makes me rageful. Is it cause it brings me back to mine or do I just get jealous? Thinking about it, it actually brings me back to the mimicking thing, but with mimicking comes the ability to Literally put myself in their shoes. Probably because my thoughts are so intense and vivid in general, that's probably why that ability exists. But everytime I realize/notice I have a symptom or trauma response it seems like my brain makes it my whole personality. Why? It feels like I'm lying at that point, and then what used to happen was that after I told someone I was going through something that 'something' went away. Why why why? Is there nothing wrong with me? I'm not a liar—the thoughts still exist. Are they influencing me? Maybe I'm a puppet, maybe they control my every move and my every feeling. Speaking of feelings, why can't I Actually feel emotions? I can feel this one; frustration. But it doesn't count cause it's apart of the few emotions I can emotionally feel and not just physically and cognitively feel. Frustration is apart of rage.

Watching horror movies triggers literally everything, but I can't recall a different long period of time father and me totally bonded, I think. October is just usually the month where it feels like it's just him and me, y'know?

I watched "Saw" and "Halloween (2007)" I'm mildly dissociated right now, but it's my bed time so I can go to sleep.

Anyway, Happy Halloween! 🎃

(and here I thought I wasn't capable of writing a relatable vent—minus the 'unusual' stuff)