scary emotions.
Hi all,
i've posted before about my confusion with my diagnosis which is currently 'acute anxiety and depression' but a big change has made me a little scared and really confused. basicaly my boyfriend has started the breakup conversation.. and its been a mature and very civil discussion about us just going different ways, and thats ok. i get it.
But my emotions have been going from 0 to 100 and back again for me not to really understand how i'm expressing myself... i'm very good at repressing emotions, but the last couple of days it feels like there is an on/off switch in my head.. one moment i'll be crying feeling sick and panicking.. and then hours inbetween i'll be feeling empty and void of any of these feelings sometimes moments after crying. and these flips are really scary... making me feel like i can't control my greif or when i need to express it... like i'll have this pressure i cant release and then whenever my brain feels like it.. the floodgates open. but no inbetween.
my question is, does this sound familiar to BPD?
just an update, ended up talking about it and he took back everything he said.. telling me they were only 'concerns' not him saying we will break up, despite this i feel like ive already msde up my mind, i don't want to get hurt like that again and i do not want that uncertainty of trying to carry on exactly the same like it never happend... i'm failing to see any positives despite good memories we had. i feel like im pushing him away so i don't get hurt again. (this is not the first time the 'is this going to work out convo has happened but it always ends up with me going to the extremes on the emotional scale.. me wanting to end it, then wondering why the hell i did it)
Hi @Shipwreck
The extreme back and forths, 0 to 100 is defintiely characteristic of BPD, but I think it's also somewhat normal for someone who is worried about a break-up. The pushing away is before he can hurt you also sounds very BPD, but again, I feel like can be somewhat normal as well, though to me BPD is normal, so I may not be the best person to ask.
@InvaderStitch
thanks stitch :) your replies always help,
yeah i'm feeling like im going through the trauma of the breakup (its ended now and i made last ditch attempts to see if he still wanted it to work, but no.. so now i'm feeling pretty devestated) the normal part is crying and such.. but i have always been extremely sensitive, so i've been confused and panicking a lot... just stupid stuff like i feel like suddenly because i'm not attached to him i'll be hurt by someone else at random (having nighmares or stangers just being awful to me or having a new SO be evil) or i'll always be left alone, and its crazy because although it was pretty mutual i still feel like it was my fault. what if i was less needy, what if i stopped looking for re-assurance he won't leave me or wants to stay with me.
I feel like my knee jerk 'i want to break up' was to see if he had any suggestions of fixing it.. when he did not, then i really broke. like i was pushing away for him to re-assure me things will be fine, and then when it actually happened i feel like it was him that did the dumping. so stupid.
but i'm awful with dealing with intense emotions, I just want to hide because I feel like i'm going crazy. my anxiety makes me feel like i dont want to be alone around people because im a bad person, and the cryiing and extremes of low mood want me to give up on everything. i get weird hyper aware and confused moments lately too (lasting between 5-20mins)... usualy when ive just woken up i'll feel like i can't focus on anything and my mind is doing 360 flips, no anxiety, no sadness.. just feeling like my eyes are floating infront of my head and i'm not there.
(ive had depression and panic attacks on and off for the last 5-7 years so i don't know if i'm exaggerating that or i've not pushed for a specific diagnosis past my doctor and emergency care)
