i suck
my boyfriend thinks it's okay to leave in the middle of the night and leave a note saying he's going to "chill' and idk where he went and everyone calls me stupid for staying with him well I know I'm stupid but no one realizes this is as good as it's gonna get. no one understands bpd that I know in real life. I scare guys away and he hasn't dumped me after 9 months and we live together and work together and bf probably doesn't love me but it's better than being dumped like all the other guys
@lovemyshihtzu I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you. I'm also sorry to hear that your boyfriend isn't treating you the way you deserve. I don't think you are stupid for staying with your boyfriend at all. I know it must be very hard to live with BPD, are you seeking professional help for it? If you are open to seeking professional help, it sounds like you would greatly benefit from it. From what I read, it sounds like you don't really see your self-worth and value. I feel like your boyfriend gives you a sense of worth, do you think that's part of why you choose to stay?
I know being alone can be very scary and having that person to rely on, even when they aren't very reliable feels like it is better than nothing. When I saw your post and read it, it made me think of a little book that 7cups has on the site. It's called, "7 cups for the Searching Soul". If you have a bit of time, I'd encourage you to read it. It may help you to begin to see what I think you are deep down inside. An incredibly strong and brave person. https://www.7cups.com/7cups-for-the-searching-soul/
If you need a listener to speak with 1-1, please do not hesitate to contact me. 
@KindListening thank you..i don't have insurance and when I did professional help never worked for me. i love him and he tries to make things better when he does stupid stuff like that then he just goes and does it again though😢. i have very low self esteem
@lovemyshihtzu
Have you been able to be assertive and communicate your needs and concerns with him? Do you trust him when he leaves you these notes?
I am sorry you struggle with low self esteem. I struggled with self loathing/abuse until only recently and it can be extremely damaging. Here is my favorite video on the topic of self-esteem:
Understanding and Fixing Low Self Esteem
A list of things you can do a little each day to practice self love.
10 Wonderful Ways to Practice Self Love
And some communication strategies.
I hope something in these resources will really resonate with you and give you some hands on learning experiences in terms of feeling more confident in your ability to speak with others, as well as, the importance of self value. It takes a great deal of courage to ask for help, and I am so glad you have used 7 Cups to gain some support. I hope you are finding some strength and insight along the way.
Be encouraged.
You can not pour from an empty cup.
@lovemyshihtzu I can see that you are facing a tough situation and I don't think you are stupid at all because you are fully aware of what is going on. I think having awareness of your situation is a gift. It seem that your decisions are driven by fear. I do understand that it is hard to let go of something when you are feeling the scarcity in that particular area. In this case, it is having a boyfriend who sticks around long enough. This makes him valuable and you are willing to sacrifice a lot to maintain the relationship. Perhaps the following questions can help you delve deeper:
What can you do to let your boyfriend know about how you feel?
It can be hard finding someone to understand your bpd and your personality as a whole. Do you think it is possible to find someone who accept you for the way you are? Have you come across anyone in life who has?
What does yourself tells you if you look it through the lens of love instead of fear? What would you do if you know there are tons of men who will love you for the way you are?
If you could do anything right now to change the situation and not be afraid of any consequences, what are the changes?
What is the ideal relationship scenario you would like to have?
May you find peace and understanding in your situation.
@PacificSunrise he says he will stop doing it but idk. only person who really accepts me as I am is my best friend but I find it hard to be around her because she's pregnant and I lost my baby so it is hard. no other guy had stuck around me this long...i feel crazy
@lovemyshihtzu I do understand the feeling of craziness when there's so much going on in the relationship arena. I'm sorry for your loss. We are here to support you. Please reach out to a listener if you ever need to sort out your thoughts and concerns. Take care!
