a problem I don't know how to fix
I have a problem that I don't know how to fix. I have a friend - at first we were friends,
then we kind of had a friend crush on each other, and then I wouldn't call it love, but we did
develop some kind of feelings for each other. It would never work as a "relationship" for lots
of reasons that are totally obvious to both of us. But I care a lot about her. I want her to be
happy and to have a nice life, and it doesn't matter if I'm in it or not. And I think she knows
that's what she has to do and mostly we don't interact with each other anymore, and I don't try
to contact her even though I could. But every few months she does reach out for whatever reason,
and it turns out that we both think a lot about each other. On one hand, I don't want her to reach
out and then have me tell her that, sorry, she's on her own. But on the other hand, I don't know if
it's actually helpful being there to just to let her know that she's doing okay and that I actually
have confidence in her ability to figure stuff out (because I do), because maybe she needs to
somehow forget about me. But I care a lot about her... I never planned to feel this way and I
don't want to feel this way and it's not fair to other people that I feel this way and I don't
know how to stop it. And I guess I've been doing a lot of kind of unhealthy things to stop feeling
anything about it and I kind of wish I was not here anymore because it would be better for everybody.
@twm It sounds like a really confusing situation to find yourself in. Your feelings are valid and understandable.
@StarlitSky4762 thanks - yeah, but what do I do about it???
@twm You're in a very emotionally stressful and confusing phase in life. First, I'd like to ensure you that eventually you'll figure out how to cope/deal with this situation, but it may take a while. You might feel depressed or at much loss for some time, but you'll get through it. I can tell you're feeling insecure and guilty about yourself. But really, it's not uncommon to develop feelings for freinds occasionally and it's nothing shameful.
I can see your friend still feels attached to you. You both care deeply for each other, and this was an emotionally charged relationship.
Both of you will have an easier time moving on if you understand the reasons why the relationship wont work out. Having a clear and concise reason and understanding it as to why it wont work will help both of you focus your energy entirely on coping with the situation rather than the painful hope your idealization will come to fruition. Reassuring your friend and yourself that it wont work out is neccessary to do. While you might feel a lot of pain right now, please make sure to care for yourself and adopt healthy behaviours during your emotional recovery. Forgive yourself for feeling a certain way because you are not a bad person. Remind yourself that you deserve to love, and if you have unhealthy traits that make for unstable relationships - try to work on them in therapy (I apologise I cant give better advice, I dont personally know you and your friends). It's a good idea that both of you seek new friends, but keep in minimal touch with each other; too much time spent with each other means the attachment wont fade; being cut off isnt completely neccessary and might be very painful to the point you're at too emotional exhaustion.