@CaptainHowdy Hi Captain. Thank you for sharing. Just to clarify, have you been diagnosed by a medical doctor, a psychologist or a psychiatrist?
Personally, I identify with, and experience all the diagnostic criteria for BPD.
- I struggle with fears of abandonment, which has even made me stay in abusive relationships. Mostly, I stayed because I didn't want to hurt the person, but also because I was afraid of being alone forever.
- In my interpersonal relationships, I get attached to a person really quickly. When they treat me well and love me, I idealize them. They can't do any wrong in my eyes. When they treat me badly, I feel hurt by them, or they do something wrong (in my eyes), they fall from their pedestal, and I see them as all bad. There's no black and white. I can't quite grasp the concept that someone can be both 'good' and 'bad'.
- I have a very low self esteem, and don't really know who I am... Meaning, my sense of self transforms with whoever I'm with in that moment. Like a chameleon (they call it the chameleon effect). So I don't know if I'm being me, or if I'm 'being them'. If that makes sense?
- I'm inpulsive and make snap decisions sometimes, without thinking about the consequences. Like driving recklessly, and overspending.
- I self-harm when I feel overwhelmed by my emotions, when I feel numb/empty, and even when I feel I deserve punishment. I struggle with suicidal thoughts a lot of times.
- Mood swings are an every day occurence. I go from extremely happy, and then fall into a pit of depression, for example, all within a few minutes.
- I feel empty often, my emotions don't seem to exist. I feel like a shell.
- Anger is another aspect. I can get into a rage very quickly when something doesn't go my way, or I feel threatened. While some people with Borderline PD will rage against others, I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I rage inside, and then when I'm alone, or am able to get to a quiet place, I take all that anger out on myself, like by self-harming (punching walls, etc).
- When I'm under extreme stress, I tend to become paranoid. Like I'll think someone is following me, out to get me, there's a video/audio device in my room. Disaccociation is the biggest issue I deal with when under stress, or get hurt. I either experience depersonalization (not feeling real) or derealization (where the world around me doesn't seem real, like I'm walking in a bubble and everyone and everything around me is just an illusion).
Everyone experiences these symptoms differently, so we can't really compare ourselves with others. But this is how it looks to me.
