Welcome to my world
Hello, I'm Lola. I'm really glad BPD community got started, thanks to everyone who made it possible.
I'll try to make it short, but meaningful. I'm 24, art history student. I've been struggling with mental health issues since I was 11. I started therapy when I was 16. When I was 17, psychiatrist told me I've probably got BPD, but they couldn't officially diagnose me before I turned 23. Since I was 16, I was showing every single symptom of BPD, especially struggling with unclear image of self, self-harm and the fear of abandonment. There were some good times, I was on very low dosage of meds for two years and completely off meds for another two years. Then, two years ago, it hit me again like a hurricane. I was hospitalized five times since 2015. Currently I'm hospitalized in open type hospital, I'm going there on workdays 9 to 2 and engage in group therapy, occupational therapy, autogenic training and other types of therapy. In two months, I see a little progress, or not at all.
How it looks to be a borderline for me? It's a rollercoaster. I'm either up or down, no middle ground. One day I feel like the queen of the world, the other day I just want to lay down and die. I've got low self esteem and self respect, but high expectations. The abyss between who I am and who I want to be is huge. The abyss between what I know and how I feel is even bigger. My therapist often says I'm an "educated patient", I've been in therapy for so long I know everything. But knowing and doing are not synchronized in my brain. I feel like there's a massive destructive force taking over me from time to time (now more often than ever), and I don't even try to fight it. There's this though, "you tried and failed so many times, so just give in". I live in constant regret. I live in constant pain. I live in agony. People started being scared of me. I can see my illness consuming them, and I would let them go if I wasn't so scared of being left alone. I'm scared of myself and of what I might do next. If I go out tonight, will I come home the next day? If I feel like someone close to me is about to leave me, will I threaten with suicide (again)? If I get a chance, will I just go away and start over somewhere else? If I'm bored, will I drink myself to fainting, and then tell myself I'm just a tragic diva? And then still feel guilty and worthless for a week, until the next time? My personality is so disintegrated, I don't think I'll ever feel whole.
People don't believe me when I say I drink to make myself feel worse. There's that thought again, "you deserve no better than drowning in your own vomit". They also don't believe me I'm getting panic attacks at the exams not because I didn't study, but because I never think I studied enough. I'm addicted to affirmations, especially those written on paper. They mean I'm good. If I don't get them, I'm worthless. If I don't get an A, I'm mediocre. If I'm mediocre, I deserve to die, no one will remember me anyway.
They say "you need to change your way of thinking". Yes, in order to be healthy, yes. But what would I do without BPD? I tried being normal. Tried being mature. It's not fun. Nor this is, but it's what I'm used to. It's where I feel safe, no matter how afraid I actually am. Right now, BPD is the only certain thing in my life. And I just can't let it go.