Welcome to my world
Hello, I'm Lola. I'm really glad BPD community got started, thanks to everyone who made it possible.
I'll try to make it short, but meaningful. I'm 24, art history student. I've been struggling with mental health issues since I was 11. I started therapy when I was 16. When I was 17, psychiatrist told me I've probably got BPD, but they couldn't officially diagnose me before I turned 23. Since I was 16, I was showing every single symptom of BPD, especially struggling with unclear image of self, self-harm and the fear of abandonment. There were some good times, I was on very low dosage of meds for two years and completely off meds for another two years. Then, two years ago, it hit me again like a hurricane. I was hospitalized five times since 2015. Currently I'm hospitalized in open type hospital, I'm going there on workdays 9 to 2 and engage in group therapy, occupational therapy, autogenic training and other types of therapy. In two months, I see a little progress, or not at all.
How it looks to be a borderline for me? It's a rollercoaster. I'm either up or down, no middle ground. One day I feel like the queen of the world, the other day I just want to lay down and die. I've got low self esteem and self respect, but high expectations. The abyss between who I am and who I want to be is huge. The abyss between what I know and how I feel is even bigger. My therapist often says I'm an "educated patient", I've been in therapy for so long I know everything. But knowing and doing are not synchronized in my brain. I feel like there's a massive destructive force taking over me from time to time (now more often than ever), and I don't even try to fight it. There's this though, "you tried and failed so many times, so just give in". I live in constant regret. I live in constant pain. I live in agony. People started being scared of me. I can see my illness consuming them, and I would let them go if I wasn't so scared of being left alone. I'm scared of myself and of what I might do next. If I go out tonight, will I come home the next day? If I feel like someone close to me is about to leave me, will I threaten with suicide (again)? If I get a chance, will I just go away and start over somewhere else? If I'm bored, will I drink myself to fainting, and then tell myself I'm just a tragic diva? And then still feel guilty and worthless for a week, until the next time? My personality is so disintegrated, I don't think I'll ever feel whole.
People don't believe me when I say I drink to make myself feel worse. There's that thought again, "you deserve no better than drowning in your own vomit". They also don't believe me I'm getting panic attacks at the exams not because I didn't study, but because I never think I studied enough. I'm addicted to affirmations, especially those written on paper. They mean I'm good. If I don't get them, I'm worthless. If I don't get an A, I'm mediocre. If I'm mediocre, I deserve to die, no one will remember me anyway.
They say "you need to change your way of thinking". Yes, in order to be healthy, yes. But what would I do without BPD? I tried being normal. Tried being mature. It's not fun. Nor this is, but it's what I'm used to. It's where I feel safe, no matter how afraid I actually am. Right now, BPD is the only certain thing in my life. And I just can't let it go.
@AquarelleFlower I understand every word you say ... I am another variation on the theme Borderline Personality Disorder, which is currently reunited with a major depressive episode. I've been struggling so strenuously for a year and a half. Maybe the answer to our constant question Why this and How to manage it is somewhere in the life long maintaining balance between neurosis and so called mature healthy state of being. I'm still on the road of quest for that... discovering... brushing myself off over and over after falling in the mud of my mistakes...
The art of making the right choice at every moment of our life is to be learned. The learning process... lasts very long. The question is how ready we are to accept the challenge and face it (our imperfection)? I support your life battle with all my heart! I wish you endurance and courage. <3
@AquarelleFlower
Hi Lola!
Thank you so much for sharing so honestly and openly and trusting the community with your story. It sounds like youve been struggling for quite some time. I felt like I could relate to what you shared in a lot of parts. I have also been hospitalized numerous times due to my BPD. Though the hospitalizations have slowly slowed down as I am becoming more stable. I can completely relate to the abyss between I am and who I want to be, as well as the abyss between what I know and what I feel. Its so hard to be in that place of knowing one thing, but feeling a totally different way. Im also an educated patient to the point that I know what my therapist wants to hear, so I say that, not out of trying to be deceitful, but from having such an indepth understanding of mental health and the disorder. Im sorry you feel so much pain and agony it sounds completely awful to feel like you have no control over your behaviors and self-sabotaging. It sucks when you feel like youd be better off without people, but youre too afraid of being alone.
I can relate to the affirmation thing so much. If Im not getting affirmations from people I feel worthless and like I could disappear without anyone knowing. Last week in therapy we uncovered that the reason I engage in crisis behaviors is because its the only way I know how to get people to pay attention to me when Im hurting. Im so ashamed of admitting this, but if Im not getting that affirmation then I must not be worth anything, so thats what my brain says. Ive also struggled with school in a similar way. If I dont get an A I suck at life… so I quit trying, then I fail and just affirm my I fail at life thought.
I also hear you on BPD being the only certainty and being normal being so hard. Both are hard, but once you get used to BPD it becomes comfortable because its what you know. My therapist was thinking about taking away the BPD diagnosis and I had so many mixed emotions, one part of me was happy because it meant I was normal, the other part terrified because I dont know who I am without my BPD and I dont know if I can maintain normal behaviors and what if I let everyone down again?
Im so sorry to hear youre struggling with so much. I only share what I have shared to say I can relate to some of what you say, though obviously I dont know it to the same extent as you since were different people, but I know enough to know that its not fun, its a challenge, but its also known, and somewhat comfortable. Hang in there. I hope you find this community to be supportive.
How it looks to be a borderline for me? It's a rollercoaster. I'm either up or down, no middle ground. One day I feel like the queen of the world, the other day I just want to lay down and die. I've got low self esteem and self respect, but high expectations. The abyss between who I am and who I want to be is huge. The abyss between what I know and how I feel is even bigger. My therapist often says I'm an "educated patient", I've been in therapy for so long I know everything. But knowing and doing are not synchronized in my brain. I feel like there's a massive destructive force taking over me from time to time (now more often than ever), and I don't even try to fight it. There's this though, "you tried and failed so many times, so just give in". I live in constant regret. I live in constant pain. I live in agony. People started being scared of me. I can see my illness consuming them, and I would let them go if I wasn't so scared of being left alone.
@AquarelleFlower What you said... I've never been able to express it that eloquently. Thank you. People outside the PD realm don't get why you'd choose to make yourself or others feel shitty, but it isn't a choice like "do I order pizza or Chinese food tonight", it's "do I behave destructively, or do I totally lose my sense of self?"
I hope you get the chance to feel both safe and happy.
@AquarelleFlower
