Things I wish people knew I needed
Hello,
First things first My name is Rose. I was diagnosed with BPD July 2021. I have realized that not a lot of people know much about BPD and how to work or have a friendship with me. So, I decided that I was going to post somethings about things I need.
1) Understand I will have mood swings. I will realize it and say sorry but be understanding about it.
2) I need complete honesty. I would rather hear I dont know, or I will look that up rather than a lie.
3)Trust is hard for me to give. Do not take it lightly.
4)Understand that while I am nice and understanding. I do have another side of me that is complete opposite.
5)I need reassurance. A lot of it. After a fight, I need to hear the words we are okay and you mean it
6)I am human lie detector. I will notice things.
7)I am highly sensitive to words, body language, tone in your voice and body.
8) Vulnerability is hard for me. That means do not take it lightly.
9)Be up front with what I should expect from you. How to address any issues I may have and listen if I speak up.
What other things do you need?
@carefreeRose1118 You wrote a very good list. I agree with all of them and ....
To add to your list:
I need patience. Emotions are difficult. It can be hard for me to explain what I'm thinking or feeling. Pushing will do no good and just cause a shut down. Some times everything I want or need to say is right there but there's a disconnect between my brain and my mouth/hands and I can't get them out or they come out all wrong. Some times I just need some time to get things right in my head before I actually say or write them out
Say what you mean. I'm not good with hints or subtleties. If I'm doing something you don't like, just say so and I'll do my best to not do it again. Try not to be passive aggressive about it because my guard tends to go up and once it's up its hard to put it down. If I have to fill in the blanks, I will fill them in negatively and I will blame myself even if its not my fault.
I withdraw and isolate a lot. It's nothing personal and it's done for a number of reasons. Anxiety/depression/dissociation/fear, the list is long some days
There are abandonment issues. It's understood that people need a break but just disappearing sets these issues off. A simple I need a break or I need some time away can help from triggering those issues.
Understanding: it hard to ask for help or to say I'm struggling. I struggle with praise and compliments. I worry that I bother people or that I'm wasting their time. Some days I worry a lot
Sometimes I have a hard time keeping my thoughts straight too and they jump around
Now I'm worried this post is too long lol!
I completely agreed @mytwistedsoul.
Oh, do we need patience! We need patience with ourselves.
Emotions are a foreign concept that we still experience and feel intensely.
I agree with the pushing. Alot of people I know with BPD are like that. I am different. Pushing me will cause me shut down, yes but it will create a evil replacement as well. I will look for ways to defy you. I will look for every loop hole you can ever imagine. I will poke your weak spots until you finally cave in.
Understand that I can communicate my emotions but I need to write them out and let you read it. Than I can talk about it verbally.
Say what you mean I also agree with but for me ACTIONS will speak much louder than words. If, I can see a repeating behavior of something. There won't be enough I'm sorry to forgive it because I'm walking out walked away.
Passive aggressive, in general I'm hard to make mad. I don't let much get to me. I can have a explosive temper because I blow up about once every 10 years or if you hit the right do not push button enough. If you are my boss and you clearly don't do everything your suppose to. Sorry, not sorry. I'll play the game to make your life hard until you quit or something major happens. How you come at me is what is returned unless I truly deserve it.
For me, I push and pull when stressed or dysregulated or when I'm dealing with processing something from trauma because I don't want to respond wrong and hurt you.
I also struggle with anxiety, depression, dissociation, fear (usually stemming from fear of abandonment), manic based highs, being out going, and shy. Some days I can cycle through it all.
Don't try correct my emotions, please. Just be understanding. I know what is going on isn't normal but I can't stop it either. It will run its course and I'll stabilize out.
Abandonment issues:
Is actually abandoning or the fear of being abandoned. You need a break. Cool, just communicate with me. As long as I'm not in BPD fueled rage. I can comphrend that.
Also understand while I fear being abandoned, make no mistake I can cut you off.
Sometimes we have so much to say and honestly unsure how to say it.
I'm hoping to get these conversations going so others can get knowledge about BPD. How to work with us, and show others with BPD they aren't alone.
If you want something added and are afraid to post. You can message me and I'll add it without your name being mentioned. :)
@carefreeRose1118 Yes! Patience with ourselves can be one of the hardest things to find
You're right about action speaking louder than words. Many people their words don't match their actions.
If I notice a change somewhere it will cause me to take a step back. It can be the smallest thing. The sad thing is people will point out that I took a step back but they don't see what they did to cause it. I often don't bring it to their attention either because - well if I know the person well enough I know it won't be received well and I keep quiet to avoid an argument and if I know it will hurt them - I keep it to myself and well - I internalize allmost everything
Emotions are tricky little buggers because I often question if what I'm feeling is right and if I should feel this way or that. Am I allowed to feel hurt? Angry? To have someone question it or challenge it - it makes it worse and just confuses me more
I can be alittle thick when it comes to walking away. I can see the red flags but I make excuses for them. Often blaming myself for them being there. I can be loyal to a fault and it has caused me problems
I hope more people see this post and add to it and it's really informative too and will hopefully help with any stigma or fear people might have
I understand noticing the small behaviors and taking a step back. I do it often! Expsically with some coworkers I work with. However, these same co workers also understand first hand the struggles and we talk it out.
People out side of work..... there is one or two I would be willing to verbalize what I saw or felt. One of them is my children’s father.
Emotions:
I stopped questioning if how I felt was right or wrong. I ask myself where does this emotion stem from? Is it childhood trauma, etc? That gives me a better idea if my responds is warranted because the crime meets my reaction.
Red flags:
I used to be like that. Until I got into my current job where I'm using the ability to see the red flags, and I've seen to many times my gut and red flags told me something bad would come. In addition, I've had to make the hard choices to stop associating with my mother (at this time being if not forever) due to how it affected me. Once taking that step for me, being able to walk away became easier. I developed the motto "you will receive the same loyalty you showed me". Even than if someone hurts or betrays my trust, there is still some things I will take to the grave.
I want to say this because I can't stress this enough. Alot of us with BPD, developed it because of the living environment that we grew up in. We normally don't want to hurt anyone because we know how it feels and don't with it on anyone else!
Thank you for sharing this post , it has helped me a lot to know I am not alone & what you & other's have said I can relate to so much.
Having bpd is really difficult as we try and manage to cope as best as we can . I have had difficult relationships due bpd , due to abuse growing up in a toxic family from an early age .
This is why I struggle with relationships & trust issues , also having Depression & anxiety & not able to regulate emotions part of bpd . I would like people to know that it is not easy to control emotions and that I am not meaning to hurt anyone & that I beat myself up that I can't just explain so freely
Sometimes its hard to explain it for myself . I hardly have relationships as I know how I have been before this is why I try not get involved anymore . It is lonely and I do have a few people who know me too well that they are actually still ok with me and able to reassure me & just having someone to talk too at times helps .
sorry I went on but it just good for me to get some this of my chest and share that when I read your post it was helpful for me as I don't feel so alone.
Hey!
I'm am so happy that you posted!
First thing first) BPD is really hard to manage let alone to treat.
2nd) I used to only be attracted to the bad people so relationships are hard for me. Now.... I just have random people showing up in my life and I ask myself the question do they need my help, will they be a friend, or a Foo?
3rd) the trust issues is real!
I use the saying to explain it well "it feels the world is against us. Well that's because it is. "
Regulating emotions Is a constant choice and juggling act every day.
My depression is because while I'm able to laugh and easy going and understanding. I hold a intense amount of pain in lock box. That I don't show to anyone including me and sometimes it's almost impossible to keep it contained. Breathing is a chore.
Self expression I struggled with too! It took a very stubborn special man to teach me that it doesn't matter how I communicate as long as I communicate. If I say let me think about it. I will get back to you. I need the reassurance because I'm to used to those who are suppose to love me and be there, walking out on me as if I'm nothing. Once you built that trust with me and I don't need constant reassurance we can go years with out talking and I won't question if you will be there.
It's perfectly okay. I believe those who need to see this will read what they need to!
What other weird quirky things do you struggle with?
Could be something funny or serious?
What other weird facts that you struggle with BPD?
it can be serious or not serious
@carefreeRose1118
I like shopping sometimes go a bit daft spending to cheer myself up :) it seems to help as I have my own house & I have been decorating the whole house myself , so it feels good to achieve something . I know part of BPD is spending so on ..
Also I was just thinking a therapist once told me Fake it until you make it , meaning face your fears & do it anyway , so for a long time this worked until I got close to people then I remembered I have BPD so I best not be fake or get to close as it sometimes doesn't end well not so much in a bad way
I just have trust issues and also chose bad relationships and put up with them before so then I push them away now before it goes too far . It is a good page this as it has helped me a lot to see a lot issues I read I have and that it's part of the condition . eg Trust issues , relationships , being emotional .
I do enjoy my own company at times and can laugh at myself at some of the quirky things I have & done. I believe we have good & bad days
Hey rose, this is some great insight and ty for that. I'd just say that besides of what was listed, i need time to even open up or say a simple hi to new person. It's hard to have a normal life when everything seems so tough 😅.
Hey!
Sorry about the delay response. Normally I'm faster about it but life got crazy and I got dysregulated..... and here we are again more regulated.
I completely agree about needing time to open up or to talk about a issue. I'm not really a shy person never have been and honestly never really got the chance to be when everyone says something about you is warm, accepting, homey.
So, I get strangers walking up to me often telling me their deepest darkest secrets. 🤣🤣🤣
I really enjoyed reading these thread’s and I’ve not been diagnosed with BPD but believe this is what I suffer from. I always felt like I don’t fit in and that if I’m n a room and ppl or laughing..their laughing at me!.. I’m scared or rejection to the point that it makes me a evil person! I do suffer from abandonment issues to the point were I latch on to someone and try to control all aspects of the relationship so I don’t loose them! I’ve caught myself being mean to them so they may b scared to leave me? Who does this!! But any feed back would b greatly appreciated.
Hey!
First I wanted to say thank you for commenting and bringing up this struggle.
While I hate to say this, this behavior is common when fear of abandonment is present. I even did it at one point.
I no longer do it and I can't tell you what I did because I was in therapy for ptsd when it went away.. so there is hope
