The realization I may have BPD
Here's some background information to give y'all better insight into where I am at.
I was sexually, emotionally and physically abused as a child and into my teenage years. The sexual abuse I endured from my father stopped when I was a teenager however, my family members still engaged in physically and emotionally abusing me- up until 1.5 years ago, when I finally cut them out of my life.
I self-admitted myself into a mental health wing 2 years ago and was diagnosed with CPTSD, Severe depression and anxiety. I sought out therapy, went on medication and seemingly thought I was getting better in life. Fast forward to a month ago: My mind was racing- I was adamant that my spouse was cheating on me with many many other women. I was jealous of her friendships and found ways to 'sabotage' spending any time getting to know these friends. Looking back on the situations now, I can see that there was a deeper underlying problem for me. I have been dishonest to my spouse when I get put on the spot and fear being abandoned (which ends up with her threatening to leave the marriage anyhow). I have had intense mood swings that come out of nowhere (which has been mostly controlled by anti-depressants now). I only see things in black and white and I have to stick to a safe routine. If anyone tries to change my routine, I get very irritable and incredibly agitated. I have to scan the rooms that I enter and immediately locate the exits. I can't be present in my conversations at a restaurant because I am always afraid someone is going to come in and hurt me (which is why I need to scan the rooms and find the exits). I am ALWAYS on guard.
Last night my spouse was reading the traits of BPD to me and I swear my picture must've been beside the descriptions. It was me to a T!
I feel frustrated because I have hurt her soo badly over the course of our relationship by my intense fear of abandonment and distrust of her. She's never done anything to deserve these feelings and reactions from me but I often feel soo tortured when these thoughts come into my head that I vocalize them unhealthily and it causes conflict after conflict.
I am seeing my therapist tonight and I have a doctor's appointment next week to discuss getting diagnosed. I am fearful of labels and am scared of what people will think of me. I can understand that this is how I begin to get the help I clearly need but I just hate that we have to wear labels.
Has anyone done Ketamine Therapy for this? What kinds of medication are best to help combat the 'psychotic' tendencies? How can I help heal the very large emotional wounds I have inflicted on my spouse?
@shyPond5316
Wow, what a journey you have been on. It is hard to hear about the abuse you suffered as a child. That is so unfair and most definitely not something you deserved. And I'm so impressed that you recognised that you needed help and got the therapy and treatment you needed.
I know full well the disappointment of thinking you have done treatment and can move on, only to find that there is maybe another facet to the problem. Because I have been there myself. But not with BPD. I have next to no experience with BPD, so I can't help with the questions you ask. So I'm really pleased to hear you have appointments lined up with people who can probably help you much better. But I can totally understand the fear of being labelled. In my view labels are only helpful where they help the individual, for example, in acessessing the right help. You don't have to share it, unless it is helpful to you. I struggle with who to tell about my conditions. There is still stigma and embarrassment. Just remember that you don't need to justify yourself to anyone. If you need something, no one needs to know why.
And, this is just my opinion, but aren't nearly all mental health conditions a continum? Aren't we all somewhere on the scale between "normal" and depressed or autistic or bipolar? And when you consider that we are all a bit BP, then does that make you much different?
I understand how badly you feel about the hurt you have done your spouse. That's something I also am sadly too familiar with. But give yourself some credit too. You are clearly determined to improve and have already taken several steps towards that aim. It's becoming a cliche but recognising that change is needed is still the most significant step for achieving that change.
Best wishes for the future.
I would focus on the journey and not the labels. So many aspects of CPTSD can seem like personality disorders, and it can take a while to sort it even for professionals. Some people who have endured trauma can have traits and behaviors that were put in place to deal with abuse that are the same things that other diagnoses also use
What is useful to some to focus on until diagnosed is the thinking and behaviors and coping techniques that might be in place that are interfering with your chosen relationships and living your best life. There are types of therapy that many trauma and abuse survivors find helpful. There are some meds also. These are subjects to discuss with therapist to be sure.
My spouse has cptsd and ptsd both. He had childhood abuse and wartime combat trauma as well.
The path has been bumpy once things started to decline and meds have come and gone or been adjusted up and down as it's a bit of a moving target. The upside is that the meds bring stability for the most part between the bumps in the road. I have learned to expect the bumps and also to believe there is still going to be adjustments that work. We just need to stay in tune for when it's headed off and seek help early and not try to wait it out. This keeps things from getting so bad for him and those of us around him. No different than someone having blood pressure meds adjusted asap to prevent stroke damage and such.
You seem to have great empathy for your spouse and understand that you are impacting her and want help for her sake as well as your own. This is very good news regarding the possible BPD. That is often lacking and prevents people from seeking help at all. I think you have lots to be optimistic about.
It sounds like you are ready for and about to begin a journey toward healing.
