Self-Restraints

TW: self-harm, abuse.

I suspect I have BPD. After years of self-observations and reading into mental health, BPD is the closest thing that describes nearly all of the problems that's been ruining my life.

But one thing I don't have that's common in BPD is the outbursts of anger.

It's not that I don't have anger, oh believe me I do. it's that I am absolutely terrified of showing them.

I didn't understand why I am so good at keeping it in no matter how scorching hot my anger is. Everytime it happens, it's like I've physically paralyze myself to avoid doing anything impulsive. Or doing anything impulsive from any intense emotions really.

In my head, it's a bloody war field. Instead of acting it out, I imagine the things I want to do. Most times, they are down right disturbing. Inflicted towards myself and others.

It's good that I can control most of my impulses, right?

Not really.

It is at the cost of my freedom. I feel so trapped, stuck, imprisoned by myself. I paralyze myself physically like a rag doll. I withdraw from people. I punish myself at the slightest "bad" thought. I became so emotionally distant to the point people are often scared or offended at my cold demeanour.

Ever since I was little, flying with wings has always been a fantastical dream of mine. I realized what I really wanted was to feel free. Now I feel so damn hopeless. I am never hopeless. I am that friend who likes to brings encouragement, motivation and hope. I have fallen many times before and got up again. But oh the irony. I am usually creative at staying positive, at coming up with a way out of the lowest points of my life and continue functioning normally.

I can't think of a way out anymore.​​​​​​

There's a lot of factors that, I suspect, lead me to this kind of self-restraint. One of the main ones is because my of mother.​ She would always threaten me to sleep outside or abandon me in the middle of the streets whenever I show the slightest bit of anger towards anything.

It sounds like I'm exaggerating, but whenever she's angry, she would just stand still and stare at me as if she wanted to kill me. There were times when I was a child that I was certain she was going to, even though she didn't lay a hand on me in those times. Her jaw would clench, showing bared teeth, fist curled, and she'd breathe heavily.

For some reason, sometimes I wish she would just beat me up physically. To punish me. I couldn't bear the anxiety and extreme guilt. She would always say things like, "Do you even love me?", "You are killing me.", "One day, I am going to leave you without telling and don't you dare come crying and say you want me back because this is all your fault."

After all of that storm, any child would show distress or cry, right? Whenever I cried, hours or minutes later, she'd turn into the most loving mother in the whole world. She'd hug me tight no matter how much I trashed and pushed her away. Say the sweetest words in a soft voice, "oh come here darling. I'm sorry for being angry at you. Mommy loves you so much, alright? I was angry because I love you. You love me too, right? Say it out loud. Louder. Stop crying, you look ugly. I said stop crying." If I don't stop, she'd be angry again.

There were times she was so angry that she hit her own chest or hurt herself in general (no blood) (maybe) in front of me to show how much a big of a mistake I have done. At that point, I was... I don't know what the feeling was, but it felt incredibly empty. Like I immeadiately discarded my whole self and become a puppet for her in desperation and for the sake of not letting her "kill" herself further.

Funnily, I keep making the same mistakes that drove her to that. I suspect this is because of ADHD (which is also just a possibility that I have it). I am extremely forgetful. t's hard for me to learn from past mistakes and I do things impulsively as well. Not a good combination with her reactions.

My past relationships didn't really help too. Some down right abandoned me, saying all the things we had was a lie. And the recent one traumatized me.

I've fallen so many times. I'm so tired. Exhausted of struggling in these chains I made for myself. This self-restraint that has kept me safe. I don't know if I could get back up again this time.

I haven't even mentioned other problems in my life as well, but that's... probably unrelated and this post is already long enough.

I don't expect a reply at all, but I do hope, if there's someone out there like me, you wouldn't feel alone after reading this.

Thanks for reaching this far. Have a good day.

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