Relapse with self-harm. (TW)
I was diagnosed with BPD about two �years ago, and I have been seeing a therapist every two weeks to help me control it. This past month has been really hard...it's been two years since I last self-harmed, I this past week I find myself thinking about it regularly again. I am in the military and I messed up. I am in trouble right now, and I feel so bad about what I did that I feel like I deserve to hurt. To inflict pain on myself. I don't know if that makes sense...but I never like to hurt people, and what I did, I hurt someone people. I didn't mean to. �I let myself down. I have this vision of the person I want to be, and I disappointed myself. I don't know why I always feel these things. I don't know how to stop it, and just be okay again.
[Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to add TW]
@LillyPad0906
Hi LP, I too have borderline personality. I used to self harm often several years ago. I infact had wanted to self harm so badly last night after an argument with my husband it was making me shake. Fortunately just as I was about to get out of bed a voice filled my head so loud and clear that it was like a lightning flash. It said, "This is not about your relationship with your husband, or what you may think he feels about you (because I really don't know what he thinks) it is all about the relationship between me and myself right now." I have learned that my self is a person too, and a person that I care about, why would I ever want to hurt them? I know you feel the pull of that hopeless spiral you are spinning in right now. Try to focus on your own body that does not want to be injured. I also suggest getting rid of the items you typically use for self harm. Razors, knives, scissors, cigarettes. Throw them away or give them to a friend. Having BPD makes situations seem and feel worse than they actually are. Your mind will clear and your emotions will settle again, and if you are able to avoid self harm, then that it can be a tiny victory you tuck into your heart, and it will prepare you the next time you are struggling. Good luck, I really do know what you are struggling with right now. You are not alone.
@nania7707nx That was amazing to read. I haven't met anyone else with BPD, and I have always thought of myself as weird because I feel with everything in me, and the people around me don't do that. I am very emotional, and have been made fun of for it my whole life. You are right, my body doesn't want to be hurt...it is so weird though it feels like my mind only want to hurt it...idk if that sounds weird. But thank you for that post. It felt good to read that I'm not alone.
@LillyPad0906
Feeling disappointed in yourself for your actions is difficult, and self harm is like an emotional bandaid. It might make you feel a little better, distracted at least, and help you stop thinking about the emotional injury for a while. It's likely not going to help you heal emotionally... and you seem like you have taken great care to not self harm lately, so it may be another decision that disappoints you when you look back on it. Try not to propagate distress... it's really tough, but each moment that you decide to hold firm in your decision to treat yourself well is a choice you can be proud of tomorrow. I know for myself, self harming keeps the spiral active. It's the promise to myself I'm breaking, another person I've lied to and hurt. You deserve to treat yourself at least as well as you would treat anyone else.
@Alyssamalyssa I know youre right about treating myself as good as I would treat others, but it feels like, at least to me, that other people deserve more than i do. I just keep thinking about it. I will not do it. What i dont understand is why is it so enticing? Other people just get upset and go for a run and it helps, or takes a shower and it helps, or write in a journal and it helps. Ive tried other things, and nothing else helps. Its a strange feeling. I dont like it. But i am proud of myself for not doing anything. Thank you for your words.
