Minor meltdown

Hi everybody. First I want to trigger warn this post for mentions of thoughts of self injury, I didn't act on it but the thoughts I had were extreme.

I have two cats, one is six years old and the other just turned one. I never had any problems keeping the older one flea free, when it was just her.

I woke up this morning and noticed some flea bites on my legs and I was like damn ok wake up call I'm going to have to pull some money from somewhere and get them to the vet or at least get some medication and collars in the meantime. I just feel so guilty for my babies because these few bites are so hard for me to deal with I can't imagine what it's like for them :(

Earlier this evening I was sitting on my couch and all of sudden it was like I felt my entire body covered in fleas. I couldn't see any but I could feel it, it was like every inch of my skin was crawling. I jumped up and started taking off all the covers on my couch and my clothes and my slippers and turning my washer on hot and throwing it all in. While doing this I'm scratching every surface of my skin, I just can't shake that crawling feeling. I go back into my room and put on pajamas but I can't stop scratching my legs and I feel like I'm going to scratch them until they bleed and it feels like that would be a relief. I try to calm down and put some itch relief cream on my legs but that doesn't feel like enough so I also poured rubbing alcohol down them. I get into bed to try to do some breathing exercises but I could still feel them all over me, and my scalp felt like it was infested. I scratch my face and there was an actual flea on it so this starts a new round of panic. I strip my bed and then use more way toner on my face than I normally would. I pace my bathroom debating boiling water to pour on my scalp because that feels like that only solution. But when I went into the kitchen I got so far as to take out the pot before I put it back and instead took my nightly medication. I'll admit to you guys that I took more than I usually do because I really needed to calm down and try to sleep, I was shaking trying to open the pill bottles and all I could think was how nice it would be to get a razor and cut all of my skin off.

I was able to sleep for a few hours and now that I'm awake I feel a lot more stable. I haven't lost control like that in a while, in a way that I wasn't able to bring myself back in before it got to that level. I still feel kind of creepy crawly and I'm fighting not to pick at my skin. But I just wanted to be able to tell some people about it that might actually understand. It was a pretty scary moment and has just really encouraged me to find a BPD specializing therapist.

thanks for reading xx