...See more
Hi all.
So like most of us, I've been through a lot of different types of trauma in my life, but right now I want to focus on the thing that's weighing most heavy on me and affecting my life currently. Obviously that thing was a car accident but I need to give a little history about me and cars before I get into. Also apologies if this ends up being a longer post, writing is really therapeutic for me and I've been holding in these feelings for a few weeks at this point.
I'm twenty-four (and a half) years old. I didn't get my drivers license until I was twenty-one, failing the written once and the behind the wheel twice. I have anxiety in most aspects of my life and had my first panic attack at sixteen. Being in a car was never something I enjoyed. I deal with intrusive thoughts and vehicle accidents seem to be at the top of that list as far as gruesome, unwanted imagery goes. I grew up in an abusive household and we always had unpredictable cars, being in a car (with no means of escape) was the scariest and maybe that's where this fear comes from. But anyways, I was 21 with my mom trying to teach me to drive and I remember having to pull over on streets I knew like the back of my hand and cry and have her drive home because I couldn't handle it. I even tried low doses of anxiety medication (at the approval of a doctor) and still couldn't manage to over come it. By some miracle I got my license but it was still another three years before I really felt confident driving. There has been so many times in the past three years that I got even slightly lost and had to pull over to cry and remember to breath, or times I had to drive in storms and broke down as soon as I got to my destination because it was too much. At the start of this year, I set up some goals for myself. I wanted to be able to drive to certain locations around me, without panic, without tears. I crossed off the last of these locations this past August when I was able to drive downtown, without even getting lost. I was so proud of myself I even posted a Facebook status about it. I had this car that I loved (I didn't even know it was possible to love a car), that I knew like the back of my hand, that had helped me overcome what had been a giant fear my entire life.
Because of this anxiety, I was always a super cautious driver. I'm not going to sit here and say I never speed, or I never made a turn that I quickly realized put me in the wrong way of a one way lane. But I didn't do distracted driving, my speeding was five (ok maybe ten) miles over the limit, I didn't text and drive or talk on the phone, I didn't adjust the radio or the AC while in motion. I did everything "right". And then one night someone decided they had time to make a right turn in front of me, cutting across my lane. They didn't. I hit the other car, causing it to veer off into a ditch while I skidded to the side of the road. I had just enough time to call someone before the panic attack started.
While the accident was cited as "minor" the physical pain I felt was not. As of writing this, I have been out of work on doctors orders for about three weeks and still have another four to go while I do physical therapy. The insurance totaled out my car, finding damage to the frame once it got to the shop. The insurance also valued my car at a few hundred under what I owed on it. I had only had it for a year. It was the first vehicle that was truly *mine*, that no one was supposed to be able to take away from me. Until someone did.
I know that everything I did, overcoming the anxiety, that was all me, it was something I did that is still inside me, but like I said, who knew it was even so possible to be emotionally attached to a car? Even being passenger in a car, while also painful, causes me anxiety, every turn, every yellow light my heart beats faster. Because know I've learned it really doesn't matter if you do "everything right", someone else can come along and mess all that up.
Maybe this doesn't even sound like trauma, but I cry pretty much every day. I missed all the holiday family fun I had been l had been looking forward to all year, I couldn't participate in some traditions and forgot trying to shop. Let alone being out of work all this time, I didn't exactly have the money for Christmas shopping. I feel like so much has been taken from me, I went from working full time and being a full time student (though luckily it's winter break) with a decent social life, to hardly being able to get out of bed.
And speaking of being able to get out of bed, I've been struggling with not falling into a depression. I have bipolar disorder as well as BPD, and I can feel the emptiness of depression trying to ..creep up on me for lack of a better description. I'm trying to fight it, trying to find things to look forward to each day, reasons to get out of bed. But with another month before I can even think about returning to work, with no idea when I'll be able to afford a car again, or reassurance of being able to pay for all the medical bills in the mean time, while I really do try so hard to be positive (I'm alive!), sometimes it's harder than it "should be" or I guess than it would be if i wasn't already dealing with these mental illnesses.
Anyways, if you read this much, thank you!
tl;dr: I had really bad anxiety, got into car accident, life flipped sideways, fighting anxiety and depression.
I would really love to talk to anyone who has been in a similar situation or I'm open to any advice. But just thank you for listening. I really needed to get that out there.
xx
