Inner turmoil, becomes outward turmoil by "splitting"
So last night, I went home and I usually take my nighttime medications - smoke some weed (legal here) and relax with my husband and watch silly stuff on youtube until we go to sleep.
Once I got to my usual smoke session, I put on a song by Janet Jackson that I haven't heard in YEARS. It was "Doesn't really matter", a pretty positive song... but I think something about hearing it triggered me somehow. Not sure if something happened and I had been listening to that song or what but next thing, I start looking up weird doomsday kind of stuff. I went and kind of forced my partner to watch the disturbing thing with me (doomsday robots?!) He asked me Why? and I said "Because It's fun!" I felt like I was outside of myself, watching myself be a complete weirdo and during these phases there's no way out except rest or time. Once he sat down, he told me that I was having one of those episodes(splitting) and he was going to bed and wasn't going to play into it this time. Once he said that, I sat back and watched the really strange video I put on.
We sat there and the more I came back to from splitting, the weirder the situation felt. I thought to myself "Why did I put this on?? Why did I want to make him watch it??" I honestly didn't do much, but when I split tbh I feel like a Monster. I don't want to mentally be abusive to him because I freaking love him. I could see the fear in his body language; All he does is help me out in life and that's all I wish to do for him.
Any advice on looking deep within to figure out what source might cause splitting??? Or how to do it?
THANK YOU
ps - this is very hard for me to post because just recently I figured out I was being mentally abusive, so i've taken it upon myself to look into working on That issue, because hurting anyone even if mentally and not physically, is not what I want myself to be doing.
Hey girl so I just recently heard of splitting and realized damn I do that all the time me and my man being having the best day a d the most random smallest thing will set me off and all the sudden he is the enemy and some times it's last for a long time I been trying to learn more information and figure it out because I'm mentally draining my man and I don't want to make him suffer he is to good to me and it's fucking to no understand what is actually happening or why and your right it's like y ok u can watch your self be in another form of emotions
@diamondintheROUGH2022
Can understand what you're saying of how it would be sort of disturbing to be in a normal state of mind and like/appreciate someone--and then suddenly based on something small feel like he's the enemy or evil.
I like what you said about watching yourself be in those feelings. Like there might be this sort of understanding of, "I feel this way right now, but this isn't something that will necessarily last and maybe I don't want to act on this since I might regret it when I'm in a more normal state of mind."
Sometimes I find that those small things actually connect to bigger things, broader themes, or past experiences. Like, that small thing hurts so much or feels so scary because there's some kind of larger problem that it feels like it's expressing. I wonder if that's ever the case for you.
@spongymoth34
If I'm understanding, you were in a sort of playful, whimsical state of mind where you were researching something that felt interesting/fun and you wanted to share it with your boyfriend because it felt like, "Hey, check out this video showing robots destroying the world. Look at them go! 😛" (I can understand how that would be a fun thing to share that has some dark humor to it, lol.)
And I guess his state of mind at that moment was that he wasn't interested in it, he found the video a bit disturbing, and he felt like you were in a weird state of mind.
Then later you revisited the video while in a more sober (i.e. not as playful), normal state of mind and felt differently about the video ("This is a bit strange") and felt ashamed/guilty that you tried to make him watch it.
I guess I don't see this as you doing something evil or abusive. 😊 It sounds like you were in a playful mood, he wasn't in the same mood (or didn't have the same kind of sense of humor as you did at that moment), and after the fact you wish that you had maybe been more sensitive to "Oh I guess he doesn't want to watch this--that's okay". And you feel like, "I'm sorry if I hurt you or made you feel uncomfortable--I didn't mean to do that and that's understandable that you said no to watching the video when you didn't want to."
Hello, I am new on here. A year I was diagnosed with PTSD due repeated unexpected deaths in my family. Over the past year I feel like I do not have the typical symptoms. After doing a bunch of research, I think I have BPD.
I have had a lot of the symptoms of BPD since I was a teenager & it became amplified after the repeated deaths in my family. I find myself feeling helpless. Frankly not giving a f*ck and doing what I want. I’m constantly chasing to be loved by someone then have a breakdown when there’s an argument. I think I’m not good enough, they’re going to leave & it spirals from there. I have moments of basically rage & intense emotions then a hour later I realized what I said or did & it destroys me. Almost every relationship or friendship I have almost ruined if not I did because it was too overwhelming for the other individual. When I get stressed, I tend to dissociate & numb myself out. I have no impulse control. I go 0-100 in minutes over the slightest feeling I get from the other person.
@ghostface001
Hard relate. I am the same exact way. I hate it.
@ghostface001
Hi, thanks for sharing. 💜 I can see how some of the things you're describing feel like they intersect. Like, if you've had so many people exit your life (either due to sudden death or rejecting you), then it makes sense that you'd have this strong feeling of loneliness or craving to be loved by someone, but coupled with this feeling of, "Anybody I might try to reach out to is going to abandon me".
Something that I know can also happen with trauma is emotional flashbacks. A new event might happen and it'll trigger the same feelings as old events that happened in the past.
Here is a list of some threads that discuss skills from DBT, which is one of the main psychotherapy modalities used for DBT. Some of the distress tolerance threads in particular might be relevant for the intense feelings.
https://www.7cups.com/forum/PersonalityDisordersSupport_81/DBTuesday_2147/DBTuesdayMasterpost_274756/
If you ever want to talk to someone, HERE is a list of experienced listeners who accept chats on BPD.
I am the same way too …. I feel replaceable and impulsive…. Recently I quit my job and now I am regretting it already….. I get the worst feeling when I hurt my loved ones with my words ….. having BPD sucks.