I'm scared I have BPD, but I'm also scared that I don't
I felt like I had to write everything down and this feels like the safest place. I had no idea what BPD was until about a week ago and where I read the symptoms and was shocked at how closely it related to me, but then I also didn't know what to do about it. Then I researched some more and I kind of convinced myself I didn't have it, as I don't have any angry outbursts and I would never change my hair colour or anything because I would be terrified people didn't like it.
Then I looked up Quiet borderline personality disorder which did describe me more. But then I tell myself well that can't be me some people struggle so bad with this and what if I'm just telling myself this as an excuse even. To somehow validate my emotions. I sometimes think I'll try to convince myself I am something and I am not. Because I don't trust myself at all, what if I am just being dramatic. Maybe I do know who I am like I must I'm just not trying to think about it because then I wouldn't have this disorder.
But then I know I wouldn't be able to tell anyone about it because it originates from trauma, and I don't know if this count but my dad worked away through most of my childhood and I never really knew him growing up. My mum struggled to bring me up as a single mother and got severe depression where she couldn't really take me to school very often quite badly for a year or two and because she didn't have any support system and I was an only child, I just couldn't go. So, a lot of the time I was by myself and because I was hardly in school I was bullied a lot. So if I even got diagnosed with BPD, which would take forever anyway, I couldn't upset my mum like that. She would blame herself and it wasn't her fault.
Sorry, this is a very long post, I do hit myself sometimes not often but when something has gone wrong I need to hit something and it doesn't make any sound or hurt my knuckles. I do get that numbness and emptiness sometimes and I really don't know if I have extreme mood swings like I genuinely have no idea, that is what I need to look out for. But sorry I'll end it there. So sorry this is so long.
@exuberantWalker6307 thank you for sharing this. It sounds like you are quite worried that you may have BPD. You can always talk to a listener here and get more support or try online therapy here at 7 Cups :)
@exuberantWalker6307
Please never apologize for long posts here! That's what these forums are for! and we are happy to hear from you so that we can help you in every way we possibly can. I have struggled with BPD for a long time and I have a lot of experience dealing with it. If you want to message me, I can tell you more about my personal story and things that I did that helped/didn't help. I would be happy to talk it over with you!
Please be well and take care,
Jenn Marie
@exuberantWalker6307
Hey! I think we're in very similar positions. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and dealing with it all my life but always thought there was something more going on. I'm also no stranger to looking things up and almost self-diagnosing, even with things like headaches and stuff but, really, who isn't? I hadn't heard of BPD until just yesterday when I read an article about it in a magazine that was lying around. I immediately did some research and just started crying tears of joy becuase for once in my life what I was feeling made sense. I can't afford a therapist right now which is why I'm on this site. It's comforting to know that someone else is in this new position of doubt and anxiety, although it's not really nice for either of us to be there. I'm new to this site so idk if it's possible, but if you want to talk someone about what you're learning, I'm here and looking for the same. (Sorry if that's not allowed!!) Here for you either way
@exuberantWalker6307. I can relate to this so much that it hurts. I have never been officially diadnosed with any mental disorders becuase my mom refuses to believe that I have any and so my depression and BPD are all self-diagnosed. When I researched the symptoms I could relate so much to them but my attachments aren't as strong. So I tell myself that I'm just trying to validate my feeling and that some people struggle even more than me with BPD and that I'm just trying to find an excuse.
