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exuberantWalker6307
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PathStep 7 Compassion hearts25 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2022 Member sinceSeptember 1, 2017
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I'm scared I have BPD, but I'm also scared that I don't
Personality Disorders Support / by exuberantWalker6307
Last post
 June 8th, 2020
...See more I felt like I had to write everything down and this feels like the safest place. I had no idea what BPD was until about a week ago and where I read the symptoms and was shocked at how closely it related to me, but then I also didn't know what to do about it. Then I researched some more and I kind of convinced myself I didn't have it, as I don't have any angry outbursts and I would never change my hair colour or anything because I would be terrified people didn't like it. Then I looked up Quiet borderline personality disorder which did describe me more. But then I tell myself well that can't be me some people struggle so bad with this and what if I'm just telling myself this as an excuse even. To somehow validate my emotions. I sometimes think I'll try to convince myself I am something and I am not. Because I don't trust myself at all, what if I am just being dramatic. Maybe I do know who I am like I must I'm just not trying to think about it because then I wouldn't have this disorder. But then I know I wouldn't be able to tell anyone about it because it originates from trauma, and I don't know if this count but my dad worked away through most of my childhood and I never really knew him growing up. My mum struggled to bring me up as a single mother and got severe depression where she couldn't really take me to school very often quite badly for a year or two and because she didn't have any support system and I was an only child, I just couldn't go. So, a lot of the time I was by myself and because I was hardly in school I was bullied a lot. So if I even got diagnosed with BPD, which would take forever anyway, I couldn't upset my mum like that. She would blame herself and it wasn't her fault. Sorry, this is a very long post, I do hit myself sometimes not often but when something has gone wrong I need to hit something and it doesn't make any sound or hurt my knuckles. I do get that numbness and emptiness sometimes and I really don't know if I have extreme mood swings like I genuinely have no idea, that is what I need to look out for. But sorry I'll end it there. So sorry this is so long.
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