How do I not become an abusive narcissist?
I know it sounds like my answer is “just don’t hurt people you love” but please hear me out.
In April this year I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was raised around an abusive mother with a long line a personality disorders, one of them being BPD. I vowed to never become like her, but this just felt like a step in that direction.
In September I cut off all contact with her and I thought things would get better, and they did… to a point. Recently I’ve been noticing a lot of parallels between her behavior and mine. It’s not ok and I know that, but I don’t know how to stop.
I say really hurtful things when I’m upset because I get into a mentality of “you hurt me so I’m going to hurt you” even if that initial “hurt” was something small. I feel like a completely different person with different values when I’m like that, so it feels impossible to “catch myself”. I’ve done lasting damage to my relationships in the past, things I will forever regret. I have to do better. I CANT let this be my future. I need help.
Thing is, I’m afraid to share these fears with my family because what if it’s their final straw? What if they give up on me because they’ve seen what I could become? I mean my dad left my mom because of her behaviors, so wouldn’t he leave me? I’m afraid to draw that connection around him cause I don’t know how he will react. My dad’s a good person and I know he won’t up and ditch me while I’m a minor, but what about when I turn 18? Will he leave me then? I don’t know what to do, and this is the best place I could think of to ask for help.
Sorry for the long post.
@AlJoTu
Hi, thanks for sharing. 💜 Makes sense what you're saying:
- Your mom was abusive toward you and you very much don't want to become like her
- You were diagnosed with BPD earlier this year (which your mom also has), and you've noticed similarities between some of her behavior and yours
- When you're really upset, you feel like a different person, your values shift, and you get into a mindset of lashing out at people that you feel have hurt you, which causes lasting damage to those relationships and you really want to avoid having this continue
- On top of all of this, you're worried that if you share what's happening with your dad, he might reject or abandon you because of the parallels with your mom (who he left)
A few thoughts:
- You mentioned you were able to get a BPD diagnosis. Have you been in touch with a therapist? There are some forms of therapy out there like DBT that are pretty effective for BPD.
- Wanted to mention that having a personality disorder (whether BPD or something else) doesn't necessarily translate into being abusive. It's very much possible to have a BPD diagnosis but not turn into a copy of your mom. (The fact that you're aware of what's happening and don't want it to continue feels like something really helpful.)
- It might be possible to work on DBT skills on your own. For example:
- Noticing when hurt feelings are happening and being able to sit with them without acting immediately (mindfulness)
- Doing things that help manage those feelings (distress tolerance/emotion regulation)
- Being able to communicate with others in conflicts without making things worse (interpersonal skills).
- There's a series of posts on DBT skills HERE if you want to explore anything further.
- This is a bit more indirect in terms of solving the problem, but something I'm really interested in is that "other person" that comes out when you're feeling hurt. I imagine they must feel like things are really unsafe/scared, they expect a lot of bad things to happen anytime someone hurts them, and they might have a lot of pent-up anger also. If it were somehow possible for you to connect with them and help them feel understood, comforted, and safe (like it's okay for them to have feelings and feel hurt and someone's on their side and cares about them), that would go a long way. 💜 Am happy to chat with you as well or hear more about what you've experienced if you're interested in sharing.
@QuietMagic
Thank you so much for responding!
As for a therapist, the one who diagnosed me does not do outpatient therapy. (I was in a mental hospital at the time) and I had one for a bit, but it just wasn’t working. We’re struggling to find a therapist in my area who isn’t fully booked up.
I read through those DBT skills you mentioned, and I’m going to try them out. Thanks for the advice!
And for the “other person” (per se. This is less an alternate person and more of a defensive mindset) I never really thought of it like that. That kind of response was something to be avoided at all costs, and to only be acknowledged in a therapeutic setting, even then with a “work through it” attitude rather than a “work with it” approach. So, I really don’t know how I would “make it feel safe” when it feels so far separated from who I am.
Logically, I can see where this level of anger came from. Most of the time at mom’s small things would become huge fights, and (this is where the defense mentality may have come in) staying calm never worked, never stopped her. So might as well get everything out so she feels what she’s done too me.
Once again thank you so much for responding and I got a lot of insight.
@AlJoTu
Oh wow, that makes a ton of sense what you're saying about the fights with your mom. Kind of like:
"If I get into any conflict, no matter what it is and what I do, it's going to turn into a huge fight where the other person is going to bulldoze me, treat me like garbage, and disrespect/disregard my feelings. So, if I'm going to be bullied like that, I might as well try to get in a few punches of my own--just to preserve some of my dignity, let off some steam, and feel like I got to express my own perspective/feelings and make the other person feel some pain too."
That strategy probably worked for a long time and was basically the optimal/best/only way of dealing with your mom while maintaining some sanity. So then that's kind of what you automatically go to, because that's been the habit/pattern up until now. (And maybe you haven't had the experience of conflicts going any other way other than escalating to infinity.)
And then the problem is that the situations now actually do reward staying calm (and severely punish lashing out), and with the right strategy it might actually be possible to get what you want or have other people care sometimes.
I have bpd also
So what happens is you have 2 dysfunctional "personalities". There's the "normal" you and the "bad" you
but really the "bad" you is just a compensation for the "normal" you being dysfunctional.. by dysfunctional I mean it is not realistic about people and the world - perhaps naive and wishful - and then you get disappointed and hurt and that requires the "bad" you to come rescue you but unfortunately that personality is also dysfunctional in a destructive way
What you need to do is integrate the two. It won't be easy... but you will find a middle ground, instead of polarising. I think the confusing part is realising and accepting that what you think of as the "normal you" isn't actually YOU - it is a product of your life's experiences. It is actually dysfunctional like the "bad you" just in a different (soft) way
