Being a Social Worker struggling with BPD

@EcentriciExMachina

I can relate to feeling like people don't like me at work. I work as a behavior therapist for kids with autism and I worked myself into a panic and depressive episode because I was convinced I was being watched and criticized at work. It's so hard to feel confident at work when struggling with symptoms. I'm sure you're doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for.

@EcentriciExMachina

It is a hard job you are doing without friends and social life. I don't know how I would cope with that. It is the sort of job that you need to get a lot back from somewhere to balance the giving out. I still got burnout when I was working in private practice and I did have friends. Do you enjoy your work? I always think that is the most important thing in one's mental health. I didn't enjoy private practice, I am a public servant through and through I was fine until I left Government employment.

@indigoCup1959 The uncomfortable part of my job, which makes me wonder how long I can keep up in this field, is the worry of my own mental health deteriorating. I see some of my clients and how they deal with personality disorders and psychosis. I hope my depression and anxiety dont hurt me to the point I cant perform my work duties, I hope the guy I date doesnt fall for someone and leave me behind, I hope that I can create and foster a friendship.

I fear that if I cant build up and strengthen myself, I might snap and end up like the homeless people I see in my city. Or that I dont have an accurate diagnosis and that my true issues arent being addressed, which will lead to my downfall. I might end up needing the services I give, and it is stressful depending on someone for food, shelter, clothing and money.

Someone on here said, Worrying is wishing for something you dont want to happen. Sigh, so true.

@EcentriciExMachina

You are in a bad way. What supervision do you have? Are you going to any therapy? I know I shouldn't give advice but it sounds as if you really need some support from one or the other of these. You have detected you are on a slippery slope. You need some support and somewhere to cry and someone to say it will be alright. And someone to help you work out a self care plan and to see you stick to it and someone to say you are doing great and that you are brave. I know because these are all the things I have needed. But you are alone if you don't have supervision or therapy. I don't know what else I can say. But don't stop talking. And find some professional help if you can.

@indigoCup1959 I appreciate your sharing. I try so hard to search for people who serve the publics needs while trying to address their own, and theres barely anything out there. I feel uncomfortable sharing to much about my struggles with colleagues and supervisors cause I dont want to hear maybe this field isnt for you. Cause even so, its the field Im in NOW, and I dont have the luxury to quit and travel the world finding myself. And I will need a stable mind with any career I enter.

I dont share personal stuff with supervisors, but I know coworkers who do. Its mostly cause they are more talkative and confident to begin with. They wouldnt care what a supervisor thinks. My embarrassment about not having friends makes me share less, cause Im trying to hide it. Its like a snake chasing its own tail.

I have a referral for a psychiatrist, but I have not called and made an appointment yet. Its been more than a month. From there, I hope to find a therapist at their office. I tried seeking my own therapist, but nothing matched my insurance. I feel having a therapist will be proof that Im trying to address my health.

I do have some shining moments at work where I may say a little one liner or volunteer useful information for colleagues, and it stcks with the supervisor cause she may feel Im coming out of my shell. But the anxiety is always there.

@EcentriciExMachina

I am glad you have taken these tentative steps to get things under control.

I am surprised that you don't have formal supervision within your job for support and help with client work and ability to keep yourself intact. It is a requirement written into the Codes of Ethics for all the helping professions in NZ. I haven't looked up the Association of Social Workers. If the job doesn't actually provide it, it is expected that the professional will find their own and time be given by the organisation to go to those consultations. Obviously something is quite different in your neck of the woods.

I do hope you can use the help you have found so far. you can't do this alone. I know myself how damaging that is, but if your home was anything like mine, that is what we learnt to do.

I am having a bad weekend myself, some things have come to a head therapeutically and I am back in loads of trauma. I have to get moving today. Yesterday I holed up and that didn't do me much good. I can't remember what I have said about myself but I finished with one therapist in which the trauma was uncovered and made worse. And now I am with another. It is early days yet and it seems supportive but I still have to get to grips with the childhood trauma. I have started going to trauma focused yoga in the hopes of that helping. Talk as much as you like. I won't necessarily check in everyday, but it will be frequent.

@indigoCup1959 have you tried the app Meetup? Depending on your city you might find groups to engage in activity. Someone at a social anxiety Meetup told me about 7cups, which I like so far. At a recent event with that group I shared about my personal difficulty and fear it would affect my job; a lady shared her mom is a social worker and has bipolar disorder.

Im hoping to learn more about her mom, cause sometimes bipolar is used casually. There is a confidential employee help service for people going through personal problems, Im considering looking into but Im too chicken. I feel like my supervisor is nice enough to open up to but. Im to afraid of baring myself to my boss.

When you say that you are dealing with newly uncovered trauma, is it the pain of wanting to go back and change an event, regret, anger? I still feel guilt about being hot and cold towards a friend in 2nd grade. I can articulate now as an adult that I was insecure about my identity as well dealing with competing with a younger sibling. That friend went on to study psychology, 20+ years later I wish she new I didnt mean to be a crappy friend.

I stayed in Saturday, all day, I missed the baby shower for my brother and his wife. I felt anxious cause I never met her before and it would be a lit of her relatives there. I felt that since it was 3 hours from home, it would be hard to leave early if I felt uncomfortable. Luckily the next day I had Meetup to get me iut of my funk.

@EcentriciExMachina

@indigoCup1959 have you tried the app Meetup? Depending on your city you might find groups to engage in activity. Someone at a social anxiety Meetup told me about 7cups, which I like so far. At a recent event with that group I shared about my personal difficulty and fear it would affect my job; a lady shared her mom is a social worker and has bipolar disorder. That sounds interesting. I will explore that. I belong to many groups though, too many actually, This weekend I am performing with our choir and the city symphony orchestra and we still have 3 rehearsals. Sunday I am hosting a pot luck meal for a group of elderly single women. I go to Tai Chi on Friday as well as my Trauma Yoga I also belong to a book group and a U3A current affairs discussion group and a U3A dining group. I usually belong to a table tennis group and a couple of tramping groups but because of injury last year, those two are out at the moment. As you can see I appear to have minimal social anxiety but.., I hate joining new groups and I take ages to get to know people but I make myself and it pays off in the end. I have never let anxiety rule me, I am actually too brave and wish I could run away more often. I wish I could give you some of my willingness to stand up over and over again to fear. It is necessary. Have you heard of Brene Brown? She talks of getting back up after the shame of failure. She has a great Ted talk. Its on YouTube

Im hoping to learn more about her mom, cause sometimes bipolar is used casually. Yes indeed

There is a confidential employee help service for people going through personal problems, Im considering looking into but Im too chicken. I dont quite understand why that is so difficult. I get that they may be new people and therefore frightening but you dont have to measure up or acheive anything there

I feel like my supervisor is nice enough to open up to but. Im to afraid of baring myself to my boss. I can understand that

When you say that you are dealing with newly uncovered trauma, is it the pain of wanting to go back and change an event, regret, anger? I havent got that far yet. I dissociated all my life to blot out the stress of childhood and all the later triggers and thus did not know how traumatic my childhood was. In therapy the impact of those traumas got exposed. Horrifying actually to experince it now and I understand why I dissociated. That is as far as I have got. It is overwhelming me.

I still feel guilt about being hot and cold towards a friend in 2nd grade. I can articulate now as an adult that I was insecure about my identity as well dealing with competing with a younger sibling. That friend went on to study psychology, 20+ years later I wish she new I didnt mean to be a crappy friend. Yes I get that too. It was my "running out" behaviour at the recent death of my husband that propelled me to therapy. I never want to go emotionally missing on someone like that ever again. I loved him so much and I failed him.

I stayed in Saturday, all day, I missed the baby shower for my brother and his wife. I felt anxious cause I never met her before and it would be a lit of her relatives there. I felt that since it was 3 hours from home, it would be hard to leave early if I felt uncomfortable. Luckily the next day I had Meetup to get me iut of my funk. Good, it is neccesary to have these connections.

Thank you for trusting me enough to say these things. I find that it is people's faces that do me in. If they are not expressive I am back plummeted in my childhood. There are probably others too. What are your triggers?

@indigoCup1959

Im triggered by thought of having to defend myself. Defend my mannerisms, being too quiet, not having many if any friends, my job title, my salary, my room I rent, my hair, my choice to wear make-up, etc. I am never comfortable, to be comfortable is only leaving myself vulnerable when the feces hits the fan. I dont present as neurotic, but if people could hear the endless stream of concerns in my mind, real or imagined...it is tiring.

The choir sounds fun! I do mostly karaoke and improv sporadically, but I would love to join a choir or community theater. I really need a creative outlet to express myself. A group of guys in the social anxiety Meetup actually started their own little rock band

@EcentriciExMachina

Would you be able to get out to a choir and feel you weren't spoiling it for others? I say that because if you could manage it it would be so good. The focus on breathing and breath control alone is worth its weight in gold. Then there is the music! Although it doesn't start off like music as you plod your way along! It is called not bashing! But when it comes together you get on a high and the felling of working together with others is good. The concert was great tonight and we sang well but it took a lot of hard work. But that feeling of being together is slow to come especially with your anxiety. I can thoroughly recommend it if you can find a convenient one.

@indigoCup1959 I

@EcentriciExMachina

Exhausting and the stress of it all has sent my drematitis out of control. Doctors today, more antibiotics. But the singing was good, excellent audience and a good revue in this mornings paper. The Town Hall is large and has superb acoustics so it is a joy to sing there. But the rehearsals were demanding, a full concert of music that requires precsion timing took a lot of practice time with the orchestra. 5 rehearsals in a week is more than we usually do. The potluck lunch at my place worked fine. My perfectionism doesnt help my strain

I am pleased about your steps. They sound good

I must go to bed I am up far too late.

@indigoCup1959

That sounds exciting having it in such a big space, I found something online regarding a community choir thats just once a week. Im gonna give it a look. I went to a speed friending Meetup last night. It was great, except for one person that set off some alarms in my head. She mentioned something about learning about some young couple that retired in their mid 20s and that she sought to be mentored by them. That spiel is what someone mentioned to me over a year ago, and then they invited me to talk to a mentor who told me something that was practically a prymid scheme. Im troubled that someone would come to a social anxiety Meetup and mention this, which makes me feel they cane not to make friends but to obtain new victims. I made sure to share my concerns with the organizers this morning. I know I cant control if someone wants to look into a business deal but I wanted to share my warning.

@EcentriciExMachina

That sounds exciting having it in such a big space, I found something online regarding a community choir thats just once a week. Im gonna give it a look. Great! I hope it suits you. I have my fingers crossed

I went to a speed friending Meetup last night. Awesome well done! It was great, except for one person that set off some alarms in my head. She mentioned something about learning about some young couple that retired in their mid 20s and that she sought to be mentored by them. That spiel is what someone mentioned to me over a year ago, and then they invited me to talk to a mentor who told me something that was practically a prymid scheme. Im troubled that someone would come to a social anxiety Meetup and mention this, which makes me feel they cane not to make friends but to obtain new victims. I made sure to share my concerns with the organizers this morning. I know I cant control if someone wants to look into a business deal but I wanted to share my warning. Crikey, you seem to be doing very well You seem to have a lot of facilities and network possibilities around you. All these meetups. I dont do so badly U3A does a lot, and Age concern does Tai Chi and the council sponsors a table tennis group for seniors.. I would like to meet more younger people though, that is what we elderly people need, otherwise we are left bereft as all our friends die. My closest friend is terminally ill with pancreatic cancer and this is only 2 years since my husband died.

@EcentriciExMachina

I have finally looked up your Meetup App then discovered that there is a better web based version so I have uninstalled the App. There are a couple of possibilites there that I will check out in due course, including a Gamelan group. Thank you. There is even the possibility of starting a gruop. I will have to explore that.

@EcentriciExMachina

No worries, your not wrong, your coworkers are. They are the problem with that sector of mental health. It just shows you and the rest of us that most social workers just follow a script but have no real skills. If they has skills and empathy, they would have noticed your talents by now and ran to your assistance, and offer daily support to you. Its the same everywhere. Just know this: your a good talented person without coworkers support. You shouldnt care at all about what flawed people think. Those that matter would help you and not mind at all. Those who mind, do not matter at all. Chin up, youve discovered why so many of us are so frustrated with the mental health system.

Blessings, Reed