BPD & lack of Identity?

I hear you. Your feelings are absolutely valid. 💙

I can relate. I struggle with BPD and unstable identity too. I understand that not having a sense of identity makes life so much more difficult, and it's okay to accept that there is no rush because creating our own identity is a life-long process. It's alright to not immediately have our entire identity figured out; lots of people don't know who they really are either.

I think that people like us tend to be hardwired to feel very deeply. Our experiences growing up also definitely had a role in what we struggle with now, which is unfortunate because we had no control over that. It absolutely makes sense why finding ourselves becomes that much more challenging for us, and how difficult it is to know where to even start.

Of course, identifying our distorted core beliefs is not easy because they are so deeply embedded. They have been festering within us, yet we never questioned them because we weren't even aware that we have them. We subconsciously took them as the fundamental truths of life. Children internalise the core beliefs that they receive from the emotional education provided by their immediate caregivers. On that front, we have no choice.

The process towards identifying my distorted core beliefs was nothing short of complex and confusing, but it has been incredibly liberating and worth it. I educated myself about BPD and my other challenges, and along the way I learnt a lot about myself. The works of Marsha Linehan (creator of DBT) and Brian Barnett (Founder of The Last Symptom, LLC) have been especially helpful for me. I found that at the root of my low self-esteem and lack of stable identity are two distorted core beliefs:

• My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful.
• Therefore, I also must be inherently irrelevant and shameful —because my feelings are what makes me who I am.

Growing up as a sensitive child in an invalidating environment, those are the source of all my problems. I've always sought external validations because I have none to empower myself. I feel like other people only like me when I have achievements; they never like me for me. I feel like an empty cup. People only like what's inside the cup. When the cup is empty, nobody cares for it. But all of this isn't true. It only feels so much like the truth because it's all I've believed my entire life.

If I address my distorted core beliefs and fix them, the rest of my issues will eventually sort themselves out. I work on reversing my distorted core beliefs by practicing positive affirmations that validate my feelings, here's one that I use:

• My feelings inherently matter and there is nothing good or bad, or right or wrong about them.

The journey to finding ourselves will be a long and exhaustive one. It doesn't take days or weeks or months—it can take years. Know that throughout all this, you won't be alone. At the end of it, we will have traded our distorted core beliefs for effective ones. It will all be so rewarding—everything will be clearer; we will be wiser and more at peace with ourselves.

I see you, 💙 I'm rooting for you. I believe you can certainly overcome this challenge.

@spongymoth34 Hey there, I hear you and totally relate to what you are saying. I also have BPD and finding my identity has always been difficult. I also struggle sometimes and notice myself to be mirroring. Sometimes, it can be great. For example, I switched to public health as an impulsive decision but I love my major and am now really into epidemiology. However, another time I was using different pronouns just because my 'favorite person' at the time had different ones. Same thing with things like style and coloring my hair. Your feelings are totally valid, and if you are familiar with DBT or want to learn, I find wise mind and values based work to be helpful skills to review. I hope this helps. Thanks for sharing!

I'm starting DBT therapy , was wondering what are your experiences and how it helped

Hi Spongy!

I can highly relate with this. Growing up, I too felt like I needed to be like the people around me, it made me feel more acceptable. Throughout my now 23 years it has become known to me that I don't need to fit into a box to be liked and to be me.

It was a hard journey to get here, to reach acceptance. It takes time and practice and a heck ton of self-reminders and compassion towards yourself. Please know that every step you make throughout your journey in this is progress, and asking that question here is a giant leap itself, well done to you.

When I began this, I let myself dip into different styles, music genres, hobbies, etc. A wide variety of things. There's no need to force yourself to like something, if you don't then you don't, and it's important to remember that to be yourself you don't need to confine yourself to only one genre of life, style, music etc. Be you, be ALL of you, every wonderful part of YOU.

I hope your journey towards finding yourself and accepting that person is as smooth and enjoyable as possible. We're all here for you.

I have it too, and feel all the things because fitting in has become a trap.

My family stigmatizes mental illness and addictions quite a lot, which hurts.

Learning principles behind positive and proactive human behaviour helps.

Having a morning and evening routine and daily healing rituals helps too.

This is an incredibly intense illness that is misunderstood by most people unfortunately.

Its also misunderstood by the majority of professionals, making it way worse.

A lot of people these days are also using covid as an excuse to hurt others.

The truth is life was always challenging, not just with covid. It’s just an excuse.

The truth is life simply continues to grow in the direction it’s already heading.

So it’s up to us to change the patterns in OUR mind. To do what WE can.

Waiting for others to change without doing our own mental work is dangerous business.

Advocating for the self, learning boundaries, doing self care - is absolutely necessary.

Untangling the knot of our lives may become an ongoing positive adventure eventually.

We are capable of managing this. Born to deal with it. It’s possible to overcome.

Like climbing a mountain, we must do it one inch at a time. Prepared. Patient.

We must hang on to what little footholds and strength we have for dear life.

And we must turn to our tools when we fall - DBT, yoga, CBT, safety plans.

We also must keep others informed and learn about feelings and share them.

And learn to forgive ourselves and others without having our boundaries broken.

To stand in our own power, even though we are marginalized is a precious gift.

It’a never too late to heal, change and grow in a positive, miraculous manner.