BPD confusion/rant
I know I shouldn't be posting with my listener account, but I need to get some feelings out. I have not been officially diagnosed with BPD. This is for a number of reasons.
1. My mother has never taken my mental health seriously. My doctor has told her that I need to see a therapist if my anxiety gets worse. All things did was get worse and worse.
2. I feel like it's also my fault that I'm not in therapy. I'm so scared of what it'll be like. To be honest, I'm scared that I won't be able to open up to a therapist. Or that they'd hate me.
I constantly feel hated by everyone around me. At this point I've started blocking people out of my personal life because I get attached. I get attached so quickly and it's like they don't even care. I put in so much effort to be around them because I cherish them, but then they walk away. I get ditched, stood up, bailed on. I crash. I completely break apart. Nobody will ever love me or care for me the same way I do for them, because they'll never understand how much they mean to me. I feel like others might not get attached the same way I do because I also push them away. If I'm in the right mood, I can spill my everything to someone I'm close with. Another time, I could want nothing to do with them. My best friend and I fight. A lot. One day in a really bad fight she yelled, "what the f*ck is wrong with you?!" And I lost it. My anger morphed into tears, because the truth is... I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me, and I probably never will.
I turned to research to figure out what's wrong. Before I had just dismissed it as anxiety with an anger problem. When I learned about BPD, it made sense. It felt like something actually suited the way I am. When I'm passive, I can be the most supportive and kind person, but when something goes wrong, I can flip entirely within a matter of seconds. Often times after these outbreaks I bang my head against the wall or impulsively hit my leg. There are bruises all up and down my legs from losing my mind. My mom constantly tells me, just fix your attitude, but it's not that easy. Maybe it's not just an attitude. My brother is bipolar, my sister had ocd when she was younger, and I'm pretty sure my mom has struggled with depression unknowingly. She also has problems with anger management. There have been times where she's thrown stuff, smashed stuff and even hit me once when she gets mad.
I feel like it's not right for me to say I have BPD because it feels unfair to everyone who is struggling and has been formally diagnosed. I feel like nothing that I'm going through could compare to their recovery. For goodness sake, I'm 15. Borderline in teens isn't even acknowledged. To fix myself, I need to figure out what the problem is, but I can't even do that.
Help.
p.s. Sorry this was much longer than I expected. I just needed to get some stuff of my chest. Thank you for reading :)
@BlissfulElise Yes, I've read that BPD in teens is sometimes considered to be a controversial diagnosis.
But on the other hand BPD seems to be a very common self-diagnosis, and there seems to be a lot of self-help available, mostly based on DBT techniques. (Although real DBT is not just a bunch of techniques.) So if you privately think that BPD makes sense as a description of how things are for you, then I don't think anyone can reasonably argue against it. You know you better than anyone else.
Your mom seems to be generally unhelpful with all this, and I imagine that makes it much more difficult.
As for being scared of what might happen in therapy, I happen to know some good therapists (in real life, not here). They say their clients are sometimes scared at first, but it lasts for about 10 seconds. Good therapists are really nice. Really, really, really nice.
If you'd ever like to chat, feel free to message me. You're right, there's a rule that says you should use your member account.
Charlie
@BlissfulElise. You are not alone. It's cliche but it's true. My mom also dismisses my mental ilnesses and refuses to belive that I have depression ir BPD. I also have not been officially diagnosed as a result. Everything and anything triggers my swings and boy do I swing a lot.
@Oxymoron6demon
I see that we
@BlissfulElise
Sorry to hear the difficulties you have with your mum and your friend. It can be extremely painful.
I had BPD since I was a teenager but was only diagnosed last year. GP's ignored my symptoms and just treated the depression. But I believe more GP's are educated on BPD now and referring people.
One resource I have found invaluable in dealing with myself is a book called Coping with BPD by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen. It uses CBT and DBT skills. I refer to this book time and time again. I highly recommend giving it a read.
Another tool I found useful is a free app called STOPP which is one of the DBT skills.
7 cups is great that we can all share our experiences and not feel so alone because there are so many people out there just like us. Glad we can all help each other.