BPD and Meaningful Relationships
I was diagnosed in 2016. Since then I found a life partner and we've been together four years. We are doing well.
I learnt that the sooner you can teach yourself to give up on meaningful relationships - not an emotionally repressive denial but a genuine peaceful acceptance of yourself alone in your existence - the sooner you can start to focus on your personal development. No human is really built to be alone, especially for years on end, but the harder you fight it the worse it will get. During this time you need to be getting professional help, someone who specializes in BPD.
Then, out of that personal development, you may have better opportunities for healthier relationships, but don't bet on them and don't get attached anywhere before the 2 year mark. Don't get attached to anyone you pay for their time, but remember that even if you pay them they are people too, so don't be a d%€k.
Be careful who you get attached to. Nobody is perfect, but you don't deserve abuse and neither does the other person. Learn something HEALTHY from every failed relationship, really learn it and integrate it into you - this is the hardest part next to the loneliness. Settle for what works and is the healthiest, even if it isn't perfect or even great. If it is healthy and fine, take it and make an effort of it.
If it fails naturally, or you mess up and it fails, you will be miserable, don't deny it, don't seek attention, don't wallow, don't be mean to the other person. Be sad and cope but don't be impulsive. It's stupid but I ask myself what would Goofy do (because Goofy from The Goofy Movie is a good parent and we need to be parenting ourselves). If dad-Goofy wouldn't do it, it is probably immature and toxic, and will make things worse. Don't indulge your own toxic behavior, it will never ever EVER help you.
Lastly, find a constructive way to deal with anger and bitterness, talk therapy is good but don't saturate your relationship with it. Use that person you pay for this type of stuff, again though - they are people too.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
I only wish she could read this, and feel the same way..
How not to be immature and toxic...
Thankyou
@vlostatseav
Sorry that it sounds like you have someone in your life who isn't quite there yet. 💜 It's a hard thing to grow in that way and the pace/timing of it isn't always the same for everyone. I hope you're able to do what you can to try to protect yourself and look out for your own needs.
@brownpaperplanes
Thanks so much for sharing this so others can benefit. 💜 If I'm understanding, it's like you had a period where instead of trying to find comfort in relationships, you went inwards. And with the help of a therapist during that time, you were able to come to a kind of peace or feeling of stability that has changed the way that you approach relationships.
I know just for myself, if I have a baseline for what a peaceful life feels like on my own, that has a couple positive effects. 1) It's a lot easier for me to notice if a new relationship isn't helping me feel happy/healthy. 2) I feel like I'm less likely to desperately try to cling onto an unhealthy relationship if I already know I'm able to survive reasonably well and have some contentment on my own.
Have there been any things that you've found helpful for dealing with anger and bitterness? I know that that's a common thing that people have struggled with and talked about here.
Edit: Never mind re: my last question. I see that you posted some of those tips in this thread! Thank for sharing.
