A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
Perfect. Just that retag was exactly what I needed.
It is easy enough to open the two tabs, I had just failed to do so properly last time. This will be a great place to talk. Yes, the thread is public I know, but after we get started a bit then usually others stop replying. I have another one of these with someone that is about 8 pages long now and it is our 3rd or 4th thread.
I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather. Those moments are so rough because you don't know what is going to happen next. I have had quite a few of those moments with my own parents.
I will wish you a peaceful holiday anyway because you deserve a special break. Diwali is something to be well celebrated.
Ice cream and clouds were merely symbols or possibilities of things. What kinds of things have actually brought you joy the last few days?
@bestVase7265 I think it was very stupid of me to go on and on about opening two tabs. I'm sorry, I don't think I should have done that. Wow! It's so great to hear that you were able to talk to someone for so long, it sounds amazing!
Oh, well, I think my grandpa's doing a little better today, but he's in the hospital, can't sit up, can't eat by himself, and his speech is very slurred. But he's better than he was yesterday. I'm sorry you've had those kinds of moments with your own parents, it must be hard. 🤍 🤍🤍
Hey, Diwali is usually not very peaceful. It's very very noisy. You'll hear firecrackers everywhere, literally. It's hard for me to step outside my home in the evenings during Diwali because I'm pretty scared of flames like that of a firecracker, I don't know the word for it, uncontrolled maybe? (I'm fine with a gas stove, candle, diya etc.) Well, I come from West Bengal and there we don't really celebrate Diwali much other than lighting diyas, and maybe bursting firecrackers. I'm terrified of firecrackers, and I hate them, so all my family really does is light diyas. But this year that my mother's not home and my father can't find all of the diyas we had at home, we're just lighting one diya near the puja place, and that's all. Diwali isn't something I really celebrate.
I get it Vase, I know the ice cream and clouds were just symbols or possibilities you were mentioning. Well, some things that have given me some joy in the past few days are that my father hasn't yelled at me so far given that I'm alone with him at home, I got a nice body cream for the upcoming dry weather, and I watched something funny on YouTube haha!
We are all fine on the posting. I thought that your message yesterday was quite kind.
I am not a huge firecracker fan myself because you never know when they are going to go off and they keep you from being able to sleep. It sounds like it is good that it is less celebrated in your region than elsewhere.
It is good that you are able to just spend some time with your dad while your grandfather heals. It can be quite nice to get that different dynamic in the household for a bit. Sometimes it leads to nicer conversations.
It is good that you can also find something funny on YouTube to watch. My funniest watching moment today was seeing a video of a kitten playing with someone's hair. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 Well hey there, fellow not-a-fan-of-firecrackers! I know right, firecrackers can keep us from sleeping if people go bursting them at midnight or 2 am. Who knows what's fun about bursting them at that hour? It's especially hard when you're already tossing and turning in bed because of your anxiety. Plus this is the time of the year I get a lot more nightmares about house fires for some reason.
Well, Diwali is very much celebrated in the region I live in. It's the main festival of the state I live in. I said I come from West Bengal, and we don't traditionally celebrate Diwali much in WB. But I don't live in WB. Plus, traditions aren't necessarily still traditions in 2023, and bursting of firecrackers happens in most states in India these days.
Hmm... I don't think there's much scope for my grandfather to heal. He's 86, and brain tumours are hard enough to deal with at such an age. I can only wish I could have a nice conversation with my father. I was hoping I could tell him that I totally feel him when he says he couldn't sleep well, or when he says that he doesn't want to do anything. I mean, he has depression and he's diagnosed, and I most probably have depression too, only I'm not diagnosed. But I've given it a thought and decided it's best for me to not bring up such a topic of discussion.
Aww... that sounds super cute! I love looking at kittens. 😸
Yes, anxiety and fireworks are not a good combination. I hope things were a bit calmer today.
You are right that it is hard for grandparents as they age to recover from things. But sometimes older people surprise us. My dad is 91 and my mom is 82. Dad regularly looks like he is going downhill and then he manages to rebound. But it is always a struggle to watch.
I am curious, why do you think that it would be problematic to say to your dad that you are sorry he has trouble sleeping and that you sometimes have trouble too? It wouldn't need to go any deeper than that, but it shows that you care and can see what he is going through. It also allows him to see that you suffer some without going to in depth. Sometimes introducing things in little pieces like that makes your struggles more relatable. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 Hi there! I'm sorry for my late reply, I was out yesterday and was too tired when i returned, and I've had a busy day with chores today.
I know you're speaking from experience, so i think old people could surprise us, but personally, I've never seen that happen. But i understand that it can still be hard for you to watch their health do downhill, even if it eventually gets better. As for my grandfather right now, his speech is slurred, he's not eating much and he's weak, but he got dischared from the hospital today just some time ago.
Well, no, it wouldn't be problematic to tell my father that i'm sorry he has trouble sleeping and that i sometimes have trouble too if the conversation doesn't go any deeper than that. But i think everyone can have trouble sleeping sometimes, and i dont think there's anything wrong with that happening once in a while. It's a problem when it happens every day. i don't think there would be much use of saying that, because it can happen to everyone. I think it could make him feel like i am trying to invalidate his struggles if i just say that i too have trouble sleeping. He doesn't know what I'm going though, he doesn't know how bad i feel about myself and my life. He probably thinks I'm happy because I'm young, childhood is the best time of one's life and children have nothing in life to cry about. And yes, I've heard adults say that, our dance teacher in charge told us and I quote "You all are 13, 14 years old. What is there to cry about in life? Nothing has ever happened in your life. Be happy, smile on stage!" It's so good to hear that right? Everyone needs to hear that. (I'm being srcastic.)
Anyway, so he could take me saying that it's normal to toss and turn every day, he could even think i don't know what i'm talking about. He doesn't know what kinda person i am or what i am going through. He could take me saying that as absolutely anything he wants. I know i sound like i'm walking on eggshells, and the reality is, i am and always have been because i'm scared people will judge me. Better safe than sorry. I dont wanna end up saying something to further spoil my already strained relationship with my father. Also, he probably won't be able to see that i suffer, he'll more likely to see it as me trying to minimize his struggles. Also, my father is NOT the person i want to introduce my struggles to. I prefer to stay away from him as much as possible.
With older people it is good to take things a day at a time whenever you can. It is a victory that he got out of the hospital.
You are right that people often don't give teenagers the right to be unhappy and that is unfair. I don't think that you would be invalidating your dad's struggles or your own by brief honesty on occasion. No one can be a mind reader. If your dad struggles with mental health then he knows deep down that biologically his children could struggle too.
Playing the "better safe than sorry" card means that you just end up sorry. You have no one on your side because you fear giving them the opportunity to be there with you. I am not talking about opening up a vein and letting it all out right now. But little opportunities to soften things up are always good. They won't always go well. But people need to see some of your pain in order to imagine that you need help.
So take small risks on occasion. It doesn't have to be with your dad. You are starting to do that here. Keep it up. What was one nice thing about your day today?
@bestVase7265 I agree, it's great that he was able to get out of the hospital, he's happy to be home and that totally makes sense - who likes being in such a noisy hospital? I wonder how they even expect people to heal in such an environment.
Right, we teens too deserve the right to be unhappy. But well, i dont know if my father knows deep down that biologically his child would suffer too. He might not know all that after all.
I am robbing people of the opportunity to be there with me and so i have no one on my side? Something's not right here. First off, i have not always feared opening up and i have given people enough opportunities to be there with me. I have tried countless times to drop small hints to my parents (like when both parents can hear me such as while eating) as well as my mother seperately and i have tried to let them see some of my pain. It has not, i repeat, NOT, helped anything. They pretend as if they didn't hear me or laugh it off, they don't come to comfort me or to offer a listening ear. All it does is show my weak points so yelling at me is easier (talking about my mother, my father yells less often). It simply does not work out. Yes, my parents, father included, have seen some of my pain. What do they do about it? Nothing.
So the point is, my parents have already seen some of my pain and they dont seem to care. Now if i keep taking more and more "small risks" and go tell them that i have trouble sleeping, how will it help? Do you think they will take it as an opportunity to "help" me?
Okay, you say it doesn't have to be with my father. What doesn't have to be with him and with whom can it be instead?
Well, one nice things that happened today is that i got to know my mother will return home on Friday. I'm not too happy about it because it will probably come with yelling, but i am happy to load of chores would be off my chest.
I totally get how hard your parents are. I also believe that you have given them some opportunities to react in better ways than they have. Should you be offering them more opportunities necessarily? No, I am not sure that I would go that far. They would have to prove themselves worthy of that trust.
But I wasn't just talking about your parents. There are other people out there. Keep looking for opportunities there. You may not find any in the near future. But believing that there are real people who care who you can actually talk to is what can keep you sane and functioning. It does mean occasionally taking risks. That is the only thing I was trying to point out (know that my last few days have been god awful and I am phrasing things poorly at the moment).
I am glad that you will get less chores. Focus on that rather than the yelling that may ensue. Maybe your mom will be too tired and happy to be home to yell for a bit.
@bestVase7265 Thanks for understanding, Vase.
Oh, i see. But i wonder where there are other people out there? Ah, i get that your point is that i should occasionally take risks. I do think i take risks sometimes, but I'm usually scared to.
I'm sorry to hear that your last few days have been terrible. Do you want to talk about it? 🤍🤍
Well, maybe you're right, she might not yell at me right now. But it'll be very temporary, i guess.
Unluckily, that is the challenge. It is really hard to tell where those people are and when they will pop into your life. It can be a friend who suddenly understands you or an aunt who takes you out shopping or a teacher who offers you a kind word on a paper that you turned in. Sometimes it is seeing other people and offering a bit of your own support and then they become more willing to share with you (that is where I was trying to aim with your dad - sometimes those things work and sometimes they don't). But we can try to keep trying to spot them in your life together.
I am doing a bit better tonight, though utterly exhausted. I had a good therapy appointment today and was able to recognize better that someone who is abusing me emotionally should not be given a free pass because of their mental illness. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 Hey hey! I'm really sorry for my late response. I've got lots going on right now, and I'm not doing very well. Still, I'm sorry for not replying.
I agree, that's a huge challenge. I like your examples, and I know they're just examples, but it reminds me of how I don't have any friends. So I feel like a friend suddenly understanding is never going to happen for me. And I don't know any of my aunts, and based on what I've heard about them, I'd rather never get to know them. I'm curious about the teacher situation though, why'd a teacher offer a kind word on a paper?
Well, I'm always trying to be supportive for people I talk to and comfort them if I think they need it. But I almost never get it back. I keep trying to do what I think is good, and I think i just have to accept the fact that I'm not going to get that mack from people in my real life.
I'm happy to hear that you're doing a little better. I understand you're exhausted, but I'm glad you were able to have a good therapy appointment. Emotional abuse is hard, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. How're you doing more recently? 🤍🤍🤍
Don't worry about missing. I am stuck in a giant whirlwind of activity myself and also had to miss yesterday. Overall I am okay mentally, just tired.
I don't think that you need to except the fact that you won't get support from anyone in your real life. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that way. I am not saying anyone in your life is offering that support right now. I am saying that believing in the possibility is better than believing nothing at all is possible.
As far as the teacher stuff goes, I offer that kind of support to my own students all the time. Little things like "good point" or "you worded that well" are phrases that I use regularly.
Tell me more about the things that you have going on right now that are stressing you out. Then write down one okay thing that happened today. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 Oh, thanks Vase. I'm happy to hear you're okay. I understand that you're tired though. Maybe getting some sleep might help, though I know very well that it doesn't always help haha!
I know. I know I probably shouldn't be expecting that. You're right, I should probably believe in the possibility. But it's just too hard for me. Believing in nothing is just way easier.
Woah, you're a teacher? I think I'd love to have you as a teacher. What do you teach? I think your students would love hearing all that, they do sound encouraging. Sadly though, I never get those kinda things from my teachers. I do get good marks in exams, and what I get is usually a "Good" or "Very good" or "Excellent" or "Excellent! Keep it up." or some teachers just put a star and many teachers write notihng at all, even if you got full marks.
Well, thanks for letting me share. I don't know where to start though. Everything seems to be stressing me out right now. I'm being lazy about my homework. I'm always procrastinating. I'm not able to help out much on 7 Cups and it's been ages since I attended a Mindful Monday or Fantastic Friday session. I like being in those and I'm missing them, but I keep forgetting about it when the session is going on and I only remember when it's almost over. So I haven't attended one of those in ages. Getting more into real life, I'm worried about the science activity and history activity too. I'm worried about my father. I'm worried about our rent and apartment hunting. I'm worried I might not get a room of my own that I like. This list could go on and on but I don't want to make it any longer.
Well, one okay think that happened today is that I watch a movie. It was an okay-okay movie, I don't know if I can say that I liked it.
Believing that you will never get support is only way easier in the short run. In the long run, it keeps you depressed because you can't see any possibility of change. But it is a constant battle, a worthwhile one.
For instance, I could see the fact that I am tired due to stress and worry as a permanent state. That just causes me to sleep even less. So I am grateful that I got a short nap today even though I won't get another one for a long time. I focus a day at a time and don't look down.
I am actually a university history professor and have been for over 20 years. This is why when I give advice about schooling and teachers, I am pretty confident in what I am talking about. Those "excellent" or "excellent keep it up" messages are golden. Sometimes teachers don't have the time to write things like that. When they do, it means that they are impressed with you - either your ideas or your ability to persevere. That means that they are seeing you and that they care. Little mini things like that are signs that the world isn't just out to get you or keep you down.
Schoolwork can be really tough sometimes. You have to find a way to slog through it. But those days when you can't doesn't mean that you are lazy. It means that your brain is thick like mud and hyper-focused away from where it should be. All that worry is totally exhausting. So give yourself a pat on the back when you do get things done.
I am glad that you were able to watch the movie and rest your brain. Any good moments today?
@bestVase7265 You're right, Vase, you're absolutely right. I understand that, but then it's really hard for me to do. Your example's a good one though. I'm glad you could get that nap haha!
Wow, that's really nice to know, that sounds like a lot of experience. I get why you're confident about what you're talking about. And that's a good thing. I just want to say though, that sometimes my situations are different from what they seem to be (I'm talking about your suggestion to reach out to teachers for help with my struggles), and also, the school system has it's differences in my country. So it isn't always practical for my to follow the advice you might give me. I'm just saying, I don't mean to hurt you. I still appreciate your suggestions.
Well, I like to take those messages from teachers as more of an acknowledgment that "Hi, I noticed your total is good, I didn't overlook it." I don't think it's about them not having the time to write, it's probably about them not really noticing while correcting the papers. But I can agree that it means they are impressed. No, not with my ideas or abilities, but with the number of marks I got. Yes, it probably does mean that they see me, but I don't think I means they care. I see it as more of an acknowledgment.
I agree that schoolwork can be tough, but it isn't always tough. Usually, it's me still not wanting to do it, even if it easy, because I want to spend time on this phone instead.
Well, watching a movie doesn't rest my brain. Nothing does. And honestly, it's hard to think of any good momenta today because I've had a terrible day, but maybe I could say that a good moment was when someone took me into their group for our science group avtivity.
Don't worry. I recognize that your education system is entirely different from my own. I wasn't asking you to go and trust or confide in any teachers at the moment. You explained earlier how you didn't feel that was workable. That is easy to understand and accept.
What I was aiming for was making sure that you saw those quick flashes of "hey, she does good work" go by. It really does mean that they think you are a good person and student. Thus those things matter even if nothing grows from them right now. Seeing and caring are actually closer to one another than your brain is letting you imagine.
I am sorry that your day was a rougher one. Those are never fun and make it even harder to see the light.
But you actually pointed out a moment of light anyway. People wanted you in their science group. That means they think of you as helpful and an asset. That is another form of caring. Yes, it is minimal but it matters that others are recognizing you. Those are exactly the good kinds of moments that you need to look for each day.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 I get that. I know you weren't asking me to confide in my teachers at the moment, but you've asked me to do that before, when i said that it wasn't something i could do, and that was what i was referring to. I'm glad you could understand and accept that.
Well, I've never heard anything like "She does good work" from a teacher. If i would, maybe I'd take that more seriously. But i dont take an "Excellent" remark on an exam as them seeing me as a good student or person. Plus, i might be a good student, but i dont think i am a good person.
"Seeing and caring are actually closer to one another than your brain is letting you imagine." I didnt get that, could you please explain?
By the way, i think we have talked for some time, i think you do know me a little, so i thought it might be a good idea to ask you a question that's on my mind lately, am i too ridgid?
I know, the person who took me in their science group does see me as helpful because they've been sitting next to me (not by choice though) in class every day the whole day since July. So she knows me and she knows I'll contribute something in the project. I like her as a person and i do see her taking me in as she caring about me. But it's also confusing because she's pushed me out of groups sometimes and that was hurtful. But anyway, i still do appreciate her taking me in this time.
Tell me a little more about why you don't think you are a good person. You have seemed like a great person to me so far. One of the keys to getting better is not letting negative self talk dominate the conversations inside your brain.
Ok, so the "seeing and caring" comment: You said "Yes, it probably does mean that they see me, but I don't think I means they care. I see it as more of an acknowledgment." What I am suggesting is that you imagining caring differently. Usually we think of caring as showing love but that isn't how it starts. It starts by recognizing someone's good qualities. If someone writes "excellent" on a paper it means that they see you have value in this world. They have seen you and they have cared. Does that make sense?
It does sound like the person from your science group also sees you as valuable which it means that they care on some level. That is good. I can imagine those moments where they push you away might feel confusing. When I have moments like that happen to me (and they happen to all of us), I really focus on the fact that they might be having a bad day. They might feel unlovable and respond poorly. Giving them the benefit of the doubt helps me to move forward more quickly.
And finally "no" - I would not call you rigid. You are caught in those waves of negativity that depression bring. When you only have the voices in your head to go off of, then hearing other voices is really hard. But you are doing just that. You are trying so hard to hear newer voices and adjust yourself. That is the opposite of rigid. That is the way you have small victories. That is the way you heal. So actually, I am honestly impressed. You keep coming back and you keep trying. That matters.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 Hey Vase! I am sorry i haven't talked to you in a while. I dont know why, but for some reason lately, I've been feeling too embarrassed to talk about how i am feeling and so i didn't feel like replying to you because how I'm feeling is what we're talking about, right? But i realised that by not responding to you, i am just pushing away a source of support for me. Also, it isnt fair to you if i dont reply, beacuse you are spending your time and energy to help and support me. So i decided to finally respond to you and share how I'm feeling, even if I'm ashamed of talking about that. I want to apologize for what I've done and i hope you'll forgive me.
Well, i really don't think i am a good person. Sometimes i call people bad words in my head. I never say anything out loud, but i think of some people, like my mother, very badly. Sometimes i wish something bad would happen to them. How can a good person ever think like that? That must mean that i am a bad person. Plus, not many people enjoy talking to or dealing with me. Maybe because I'm not fun to be with and maybe because I'm bad. I think the reason i dont that any real life freinds could be that i am too rude. That's what i understand from a story given in our Hindi textbook.
Okay, so you say that an "excellent" on a paper means the teacher has seen me and they have cared. Alright, but if they dont even know my name and refer to my as "third bench" or "that girl" while pointing at me, does that still count as caring? Who is the person being cared about?
I guess you could say that, the person in the science group maybe does care on some level. But i think you misinterpreted what i meant by them pushing me away. What i am talking about is them not wanting to take me in a group and taking someone else instead. So that makes me feel like that person is morr valuable than me.
Awww.... Vase.... thanks for not calling me ridgid. No, it's not about me being caught in those waves of negativity that can depression bring. It's not about the voices in my head. It is about too many people saying that i am too ridgid - my mother, my father, the school counselor (yes, a counselor) and some teachers. I myself used to believe that i am pretty flexible (both physically and mentally), but when too many people say that i am not mentally flexible and very ridgid (nobody has anything to say about my physical flexibility haha), that really gets into my head, especially when they keep saying it so many times. So now i think i am a very ridgid person and i am always unwilling to change. Maybe i really am ridgid if i always have so many specifications about everything. I dont think my flexibility you are talking about really matters compared to the huge number of thing i am really ridgid about.
There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about or apologize for. You are allowed to take a few days off any time that you need to. These emotions are really tough to work through and taking a step back to focus elsewhere is a very necessary part of the journey. I wasn't feeling slighted in the least. Work above all on forgiving yourself.
The emotions that you feel about other people are also perfectly normal. I too call people bad words in my head daily (and sometimes aloud). I have a student right now for instance who I would like to strangle a bit. I won't, but those thoughts exist anyway. I do work hard to forgive people by recognizing that they are no more perfect than I am, but that takes work to put myself into their shoes. So forgiving them also involves forgiving myself. One bad action or one bad thought (or even a bunch of them) does make a person bad. To me, nothing can make a person inherently bad. They can do horrific things that I can heavily criticize but they always have the possibility of turning themselves around the next day and becoming good. Your Hindi textbook might be wrong. It is hard to make real friends period. Everyone is too involved in their technology now to put the effort into making friends.
Yes, even if you are just referred to as that girl or the one on the third bench doesn't mean that you aren't being recognized. And some teachers I know do more than that for you. Focus on those teachers.
It is harder when those negative voices are coming from parents or from some teachers. But it doesn't make those voices any more correct. They only can ever see part of you and not the whole you. Rigidity is also the same as seeing someone as always bad. We evolve too much to that. You can chose the next day to be less rigid if you were too rigid one day. You are growing into a less rigid person right now just by bravely coming back here and sharing. You are changing right now and proving all those who don't know the real you wrong.
@bestVase7265 Thank you so much for understanding. Actually, i think I've taken wayyyyy too long to reply to you this time, five days is wayyyy too long, and I'm sorry.
Really? It's normal to think of people like that? I don't think that's very decent of me. I feel like I am disrespecting and insulting someone if I call them those kinda bad words. I mean, i think they're unacceptable and disrespectful. I might show someone respect while talking to them, but if I think of them in such a terrible way, I don't think that's respect at all. I do think that respect is earned, but what I've always been taught is "always respect elders". I usually don't think of anyone other than my mother (and some of my teachers) so badly, but still.
I am usually a very forgiving person. I can be mad at someone for doing something, but then if they stop doing that OR do something that makes me feel good temporarily, I will usually forget whatever that did and move on. But if I happen to think of that situation once again, that name calling behaviour of mine will start. I never ever say it aloud, so i don't know if that counts as name calling, but it technically is, just in my head, and without any intention to make someone feel bad.
Well, i know what i just said, but when i think about it, i have to agree that nothing can make a person inherently bad. But some things can make them not be a "great person".
Okay, the textbook could be wrong, but i don't think it is, because in that story, the person was rude. I agree it's hard to make friends. But what do you mean everyone is too involved in their technology now to put the effort into making friends? How is everyone too involved in their technology?
It is hard when those voices are coming from my parents or teachers, and most importantly, a counsellor. But yes, they never see the whole me. Umm.... what you you referring to when you say that "Rigidity is also the same as seeing someone as always bad."?
Could i ask what you understand when i say i think I'm too rigid? like ridgid in what sense?
Because i don't think i can chose to be less rigid the next day if i was too rigid one day. It doesn't make sense, and it's not possible. How on earth am i growing into a less rigid person by coming here and sharing?
Five days is not way too long. It is perfectly fine.
Not respecting someone to me is simply not listening to what they have to say and not believing that they are human beings who make mistakes and thus capable of change (sometimes in the distant future). This can be hard to do at times, but you deserve to forgive yourself and believe that you are capable of change too. Saying something horrible in your head about someone is just temporary anger. We all have that and try to work through it.
What I meant by the technology statement was simple - we spend a bunch of time on our computers and phones and we don't spend enough time physically talking to people. You make the best friendships when you aren't online@exuberantBlackberry9105
In terms of the rigid thing, I believe that people are judging you much too harshly. A rigid person is someone who doesn't want to change anything about themselves because they don't think that they need to. In coming to 7 cups it is obvious that you want to change and grow. Thus the rigid definition doesn't fit. I would say that the label applies to those who are judging you. I get the sense that they don't think you can change. That is their problem, not yours.@bestVase7265
@bestVase7265 Oops!! Sorry about the double posting there.
Maybe, the could be judging me too harshly, i dunno. I am willing to change some things about myself, i do think i need to change some things about me. I do want to grow as a person. But there are some habits of mine that i dont want to change, and that's why people call me ridgid.
The school counselor called me ridgid because she insisted that i get outdoors and do some physical activity. But i really didnt want to do that, so i tried to give excuses to not do that. I am willing to do things like streching, yoga or indoor exercises. But i hate doing anything like cycling, swimming, running (i am the slowest runner in my class), or playing any sport. It doesnt mean i dont like physical activity, i do like stretching, yoga and indoor exercises, as long as my mother isn't making me do them. I am also a pretty flexible person. What's the point of outdoor physical activity?
My mother calls me ridgid for a number of things. Most prominently, for having a lot of specifications about the clothes or shoes i wear. If you want to hear my specifications, here you go: i will never wear a frock, no matter how long, without leggings — they're and absolute must for wearing a frock (i hate the way my legs look). Other than leggings under frocks, all ther kinds of chothes must be loose fitting (otherwise i look bony and my belly looks very big). Sleeves must always reach till the mid point of my upper arm (otherwise i look bony or my arm looks hairy). Neckline must not cover my collarbone completely and must not be too low either (i dunno why i dont like a high neck, but i hate low ones because my chest acne and hyperpigmentation shows otherwise). The back must be high enough, the higher the better (or my back acne and hyperpigmentation shows). Tops must reach longer than my waist, the longer, the better (or my seats look bad). No t-shirts with any text on them (i usually dont agree with stuff written on t-shirts and i wouldnt want to have something i dont agree with written on my clothes) and sometimes the texts look very childish. Bottoms must always reach my ankles, no three-fourths (i hate the way my legs look). Bottoms must be loose, especially below my knee (or my legs look weird).
Phew! That's a lot of specifications. It's weird to write thwm down. Now specifications about shoes. My parents have never bought be a pair of skeakers or anythings, so i always wear sandals. That too with a lot of my specifications. Heels must not be too high (heels makes them less versatile because you cant use them in rough terrain). There must be velcros around the ankles (so they dont slip off my feet). Ald velcros, no buckles (because they are harder to put in, and that's annoying especially if you're going to a temple where you have to remove your shoes and there's nowhere for you to sit to put them back on, youve got to put them on while standing). The insole and the things that goes around the toes must be soft (or its uncomfy).
Phew!! That's another bunch of specifications. Now thell me, if i have so many specifications about clothes and shoes, how had does it make it to find clothes or shoes i like? Its really hard! And its stressful for both me and my mother to go shopping for my chothes or shoes. So, dont you think i am very very ridgid about these things, and outdoor activity as well? Beacuse i am not willing to change about these things. Are you sure you would call the counselor or my mother ridgid for calling me ridgid anoit these?
Your two examples are good ones. In neither case is "rigid" the word that I would use exactly.
Let's talk about the clothes first. A lot of what you describe is a rougher interpretation of your body which is typical for being your age and suffering from depression a bit. It can be really hard to like your body. When you find things that are okay, you stick with them. There really isn't a problem with that. I especially liked how you described the shoes. There was a real practicality in the kinds of things that you liked to wear. I don't see real problems there. It makes it a challenge for your mom simply because it can take longer to find stuff and she wants to get the shopping done. But I think what really has happened is that you have slowly developed your own style. That means shopping from here forward should go more quickly because you know what you want.
The exercise one is also fine on one level - you are getting it and inside is better than nothing. Do know emotionally though that getting outside is critical overall. All of the outdoor activities that you describe are fine not to like, but you could also walk or do yoga outside. My guess is that you may not like other people watching you when you exercise. I know that I don't. But walking is something everyone does so I feel more comfortable.
Does that help? @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 @bestVase7265 Hey! I havent talked to you in a while. How have you been?
That is great that you are using less technology. It is overwhelming here and people really aren't making friends properly anymore.
I can understand how those words in your head feel wrong. But I would argue that they are still okay because they aren't coming out of your mouth. Saying the disrespectful words in your head is a way of exerting some control over your life and you don't feel like you have that control right now. It is not as if you are actually saying them aloud. We really can't completely control the thoughts in our heads. They don't make us bad people. It is acting on them that is where the problem is.
I am sorry that your grandfather still isn't well. Those times are always stressful. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 @bestVase7265 Hey! I havent talked to you in a while. How have you been?
@bestVase7265 Well hey there! It's been a while since we last talked. How have you been?
Um, we do use to lot of tech at home, we just don't use much of it in school. But making friends is still really hard.
You're right, i don't feel like i have much control over my life right now. But i don't know if that makes it okay to say all this in my head, even if i don't say them out loud.
Vase, you don't have to be sorry about my grandfather not being well. Actually, he passed away this thursday (14th dec).
Okay, so if ridgid isn't the right word for both of those situation, what is?
But yeah, you're right, it's hard to like my body. But yeah, there is a problem with me sticking with such particular things. It's hard to find clothes that meet all my specifications. It makes shopping stressful. As for the shoes, a solution to the problem about practicality would be having multiple pairs of shoes. I have only 3 pairs of shoes right now. one is the part of black school shoes, and i can only wear them to school because full black shoes don't look good with anything, plus, they're too obvious that you're wearing school shoes. the 2nd is a pair of terrible hard sandals, and i never wear them. the 3rd one is a blue pair of i dunno what you call them, they're like shoes but they are totally made of cloth and don't have any laces or velcro or anything. I can't buy any more shoes because we don't have place to keep more shoes at home. I wonder why you think that shopping would be quicker from now on?
I know that getting outside is supposed to help, but for me, it just makes me feel worse. It happens almost all the time - i just feel worse if i go out. I could walk or do yoga outside?! "You're 13, you're not in the age to go all that, you should be playing." is what people will tell me. I dunno if that really applies to the yoga as well, because we have yoga class in school, but i do think that applies for walking. And as for yoga, were would i do yoga outdoors?
Your guess is absolutely right though. I don't like others watching me when i exercise. I'm okay doing yoga in school in the middle of 20 other kids, but i don't like doing it alone when i am the only person being watched exercising. It's nice to meet someone who also doesn't like others watching them exercise, haha!
By the way Vase, there's been so much going on in my life right now, everything seems so terrible and i feel awful and my depression is getting worse. it's hard to keep going. just thought i'd share this.
First of all, I am sorry to hear about your grandfather. I am guessing that your household is highly stressed right now because of that is involved with that. It is always sad and makes things hard to balance right now.
I know that you are depressed, but you are doing a really good job battling it. How can I tell - most of your words were actually pretty positive. You feel a bit stronger in your words than a few weeks ago. I know that it doesn't feel that way to you at all. But your depressed brain will purposefully make any improvements really hard for you to spot.
As far as the clothes and being rigid goes - what I meant was earlier in your life you probably had to try on lots of things to know what you liked. Now you can look at stuff and probably guess how it might look. There are lots of people that only like a narrow group of things to wear. When you can, buy what you like in more than one color if that is an option. That too can eventually make shopping easier. It is probably pretty hard to shop with your mom though because she can't understand your exact requirements. Hopefully, you will be able to find some new shoes soon. Some of it is just being patient and continuing to look.
I can understand your views on outside exercise if it would involve even more people looking at you. Where I am from, many people go out for brief morning or evening walks so it is considered just normal exercise. Yoga in a group sounds great. Are you able to do that often? The way that I was .looking at the outside world is simply in terms of giving yourself a chance to watch a cloud, or a bug, or run your hands through some water. Those brief physical moments can really help in combatting depression. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 You don't have to be sorry. I'm actually really happy for him. he was suffering so much and I'm glad he doesn't have to suffer any more. i actually didn't even cry about him, but sometimes i feel that makes me a very insensitive and non-caring emotionless person. What do you think? is it okay to not cry after someone dies? I'm happy he doesn't have to suffer any more. i don't know about my mother or uncle, but that's how i feel. i hope everyone feels similarly about me if/when i die. anyway, i don't know but i don't think the household is too stressed right now.
I am? i am doing a good job batting depression? i don't know. most of my words were pretty positive? i don't notice any positivity in my words, but maybe it's because of my depressed brain. but even if my words sound more positive compared to how they sounded a few weeks ago, i can clearly tell that i am more depresssed than ever before. I've always felt down and hopeless, I'm always tired, I've always felt bad about myself, I've always thought about dying, but i used to find doing things i like pleasurable, and i always ate and slept well.
But now that I'm not at home, i can't even do those pleasurable things properly. i used to find showering, smapooing etc pleasurable, but in this house, the bathroom is very gross and i can't enjoy a shower. showering is more of a duty than something nice. by the way, i dunno who i am even calling it showering, we don't have a shower here, we have to wash ourselves with a bucket and mug. i dunno what verb you use for that. we call it bathing in India, but i don't use that verb online because i don't want it to sound like bathing in a bathtub (we don't use bathtubs in India). i guess this is just part of the complexities of engligh. anyways, back to the point, so i basically have no pleasure in anything living here. I've not been sleeping well either, i fall asleep quickly as usually, but i keep tossing and turning. maybe it's just because the pillows aren't soft and the blanket isn't comfy, i don't know.
Eating is also a problem. i didn't eat all of my dinner on Friday, Saturday and yesterday. i slept through lunch yesterday, which means i didn't have lunch at all. and today, i left a bit of my breakfast. and i didn't eat all the rice and dal for lunch, and it was really embarrassing not eating it all, because my mother and i were eating at a neighbours house. luckily, i have a sore throat and a cold, so i could claim that i don't want to eat because I'm physically unwell. and maybe me being sick is the reason i don't have much of an appetite, i dunno. or maybe because the food in here is in fact very bland. no, it's not my taste buds of a depressed person, the food is actually bland. in my culture, when someone dies, the family can only eat boiled food, only add rock salt to the food (no regular salt and if you didn't know, rock salt is much less salty than regular salt), and there a a lot of fruits and vegetables that cant be eaten at all. luckily, my maternal grandfather dies, and according to my culture, I'm part of my fathers family, so these rules don't apply to me. but the food is still cooked together right, and my mother cant sit cooking everything separately for me. so i do eat a lot of that bland food, though not always. but the biggest rule that bothers me to h*ll is that no non-veg can be cooked in the house. i know, this doesn't sound very scary, but wait for it. anyway, i never ever eat meat, fish, or seafood and though i eat eggs, i don't like eggs. so the no non-veg rule isn't supposed to bother me. BUT what if i told you that onion and garlic is considered non-veg in my culture?!?! do you even believe me, Vase?
Most of the food i eat on a regular basis has onions and garlic. i love onions. not being able to eat all the food i like, just because they have onion, i making me go insane.
Sorry about the rant there.
Thanks for your suggestion there about buying many colours of the same thing when i like something. I'll try to convince my mother to let me do that, because usually, i get to buy only one pair of clothes, and the only exception is during durga puja, when i get to but 3. but yeah, I'll see.
Yeah, many people go out for morning or evening walks here too, but most of them are young adults trying to lose weight or old people trying to stay fit. kids and teens are expected to play sports. as for yoga in a group, we have yoga class only once in a week, and half the time, the class doesn't happen. when it does, this teacher (who totally sucks) takes theory or mantras half the time, the theory part is still manageable, but i hate the mantra chanting. i don't see any use of just blindly chanting mantras without understanding them. as for watching a cloud or a bug, i hate bugs, so i'd never want to watch a bug. as for a cloud, my home is in a city, and if i go down, i can hardly see any of the sky. it's hidden because of either buildings or tress with spread out branches. i see more of the sky from our balcony. but right now that I'm at my grandparents place which is in a very very old town, i can see the sky, but there aren't any clouds because it's winter. what do you mean by "run your hands through some water" though?
You have quite a bit in there. I will try to get to it all. First of all, being relieved about your grandfather's death because he was suffering is absolutely normal. Others may react differently, but I often consider the death of older people a blessing. Younger people is much harder to feel like their early deaths are ok because their lives always have potential to touch other people. That is why I come here to help people to keep living.
Sorry that the food right now is so bland. That is a tougher part of your culture, I am sure. Keep trying to eat as much as you can though because without the calories, depression very definitely gets worse.
Nothing is going to be perfect in terms of exercising or getting outside. I know that. But your brain is also working hard to convince you that nothing is going to work. Those depression brain chemicals do that to you just like they do with eating and sleeping. So do try to imagine those things in any way that you can. How might you imagine them working best for yourself?
@bestVase7265 Take your time, Vase, you can get to it all later.
I can agree on that, death of old people is a bit of a blessing, both for the person themselves and their categivers. But I'm only talking about old people who are unwell and are dependent on others for everything.
I hear what you feel about death of younger people. Honestly i struggle to believe that my life has the potential to do anything, but never mind. I appreciate you coming here to help people keep living. You're dojng something really really great. Keep going 💙
I'm trying. I'm trying to eat as much as i can. I managed to finish my dinner last night and my breakfast today. But this food is really awful, its hard to eat.... I wasn't able to finish my lunch today.
"So do try to imagine those things in any way that you can. How might you imagine them working best for yourself?" I didn't exactly get that, Vase. Could you please explain that?
I know that you struggle to find your life's potential right now. You will find it though. Give it more time and trust those who have been where you are.
You are eating and that matters. Don't expect perfection from yourself. Two out of three meals is good. Be sure that you stay well hydrated too with plenty of liquids.
What did I mean by my request: I meant that each person is different, but finding ways that you enjoy reconnecting to the world can be really helpful. It is a little like what I said about water or clouds or birds. Starting to really look at what is around you helps you to get out of those horrible thoughts in your head for a few minutes. But the exact switch that you need to pull to do that is different than the switch that I need to pull. It starts by really looking to identify what brings you peace in terms of observing nature for a few minutes. Sometimes I do okay and sometimes not okay, but overall my regular activities - walking, doing puzzles, getting on 7 cups and helping others, cooking, reading - all help me to find my way to staying grounded and functioning better.
So what was one moment today where you felt a little better? @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 i am a bit of a perfectionist haha, I'm trying not to be one. Anyway, i am actually eating all meals, just not finishing them completely, meaning I'm wasting some food unless my mother finishes them.
I get you now, i get you. Everyone is different and not everything works for everyone. I'm not really able to get into nature right now, but I'll see and try what i can. Right now the only thing thats helping me get out of my horrible thoughts in my head is youtube, sadly. Showering used to help back at home, but i cant really enjoy a shower here at my grandparents place.
Today had been a bit of a hard day actually and my mother's been yelling at me a bit today. But yeah, i did feel nice when the electricity came back after it was gone for some time and I'm sorry to say this but i was glad when that unexpected visitor, my father's older brother, left because he came in suddenly and i had a bit of an embarrassing moment in front of him because i had no idea who he was and my mother wasnt home and the moment my fathers brother came, my mothers brother (yeah I'm calling them that way because "uncle" is confusing) left to fetch my mother so the only person who was home with me was the maid, and i was basically with a stranger because i havent seen my fathers brother in ages.....
Sorry that this response is a little late. My son came in last night as I was writing and needed to talk.
YouTube isn't the worst of solutions. It does help a bit to watch because it lets your brain heal. You just don't want to overdo it. Try to add in a few nature moments there from time to time if getting outside itself doesn't feel right.
You will feel better when you are back home in terms of the shower. Water does make you feel better, just not that particular water at your relative's house.
If you just aren't finishing your food, that is also okay. You are making an effort to eat.
Sorry for the argument with your mom. My guess is that she is feeling stressed and emotional at the moment.
A sense of relief when an awkward moment is over is understandable. There is nothing to apologize for there.
Can you think of a moment of kindness that you saw someone do today?
@bestVase7265 Don't worry about that, your response isn't really late. And i understand, your son should always be more of a priority than 7cups.
I know youtube isnt something very bad, but it's not the best either. And I'm afraid, i do overdo it sometimes. Actually not sometimes, often.
You're right, i will be better at home in terms of showering. But that wont happen until 31st Dec.
I know, i am making an effort to eat, and i know that matters. But i hate wasting food and thinking about how much food I'm wasting lately makes me super anxious.
Yeah, you're guessing it right, my mother is emotional at the moment. She's always very emotional and irritable and yells easily during her time of the month.
Yeah, i can. I can think of many moments of kindness i saw someone do today. My father has come here at my grandparents place today and he was supposed to be leaving for his hometown tomorrow. But he kept that for saturday so that my parents and i can visit the zoo tomorrow. That was very sweet of him. Also, he came here by flight today morning and he woke up at 2:30 am to get ready to go to the airport. It must have been hectic and tiring for him but he still took me out today for a little trip near the river today, and we'll go to the zoo tomorrow.
@bestVase7265 Are you doing alright buddy? I'm asking because i haven't heard from you in a few days, and this doesn't happen very often. If you've just been too caught up with other things, i understand. :)
I am so sorry. For some reason your post never appeared in my thread. I have no idea why. I don't usually miss so always check back the next day if you don't hear from me because if it is anything it will be a computer issue. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 I get it, hehe. Maybe it didn't show up because of i dunno what you call that but that page 2 or something that comes after a certain number of posts? Forget it now.
Well, i dont usually check back the next day because i know you have other things to do other than be on 7cups. You have your own personal life and you could just be busy, right? You're allowed to take a while to respond, Vase.
Yes, but I never want you to think that you aren't important or that your issues aren't important. That is what depression does. It rips out that the thread of believing that you matter. That bad voice starts going and it is hard to stop.
So I do my best to respond. It is part of how I care for the world. Caring for others helps to heal me. So anyway, it does just happen randomly (I have some threads that are 6 or 7 pages long so it is not something that usually happens with a new page) but I apologize for when it does happen. @exuberantBlackberry9105
I loved all the moments of kindness that you saw. I love the fact that you saw animals at the zoo. Did you have any favorites?
Sorry for the food anxiety. My guess is that your brain wants to just convince you that you are doing something wrong to make you feel bad about yourself. Eat what you can for now.
I will write more in the next few days, but you sound like overall you are surviving okay at the moment. Keep looking for those little moments that are okay.@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 Well, to be honest, i hated seeing those animals in the zoo. It hurts me to see them. I can't imagine what a like they have. Many of them where completely alone in their enclosure, i can't imagine how lonely they would be. I dont think i understand animal emotions but from what i saw they loosed sad and most of them were either asleep or lying down. Most of the animals had incrediblly small enclosures, some were even in cages. I understand about caging birds but why cage tigers? Even leopards werent in cages, they were in an enclosure. When i say enclosure, i mean anything other than your standard zoo cage. Also, many of the larger birds who were caged didnt even have enough room to spread their wings fully, forget about flying freely. I think incredibly few of the animals had big enough enclosures and along with other companions (as i said, many were totally alone in their enclosure).
I guess yeah. I've always been told "never waste food, there are people who dont get to eat", and i feel bad about myself every time i waste food.
I can totally understand you feeling for the animals. I think that is also part of what depression is - extreme empathy. I sometimes feel those same feelings with animals and with people. It is good then that you survived the visit.
That empathy also probably extends to feeling guilty when you aren't eating. Is the food feeling a little better now that you have been there longer?
What was one good thing that happened to you today? @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 That's very thoughtful of you, Vase. I sadly have to admit that sometimes i do feel that i dont matter and my issues dont matter. But that's not an excuse to let me put unnecessary pressure on you to reply to me. You're allowed to take your time. Sometimes you might get too caught up with things and that's okay, i understand.
I really want to appriciate your care for me and others here on 7cups. It means a lot. You deserve care too, so know that I'm here if you ever want to talk. I know I'm young and might not understand everything of adult life, but I'm still here, Vase.
I never thought that depression could cause extreme empathy. I dont really know if that is extreme anyway. Do you think it's extreme? I do feel bad seing others in pain, but I've felt this way for as long as i can remember. I've always felt bad seeing (or hearing about) others in pain. (Now this doesnt mean I'm try to tell anyone to not share their pain). Ive always felt bad when i think about the painful lives people have lived. Of course i didnt always understand everything when i was younger, but i still got the essense you know and i felt bad.
I guess so. I think that might be why i feel guilty about not finishing my food. It might also explain the many other things i feel guilty about. Yeah the food is a bit better now. Still no onion or garlic, but since my father is here now and he doesnt easily tolerate bland food or meals with no sabji, my mothers taking a bit more of an effort to make a sabji or something too. Before my father came my mother wasnt usually making a sabji for lunch because she herself is fine eating anything edible, my uncle cant eat a sabji anyway and i quietly eat whats given to me, i hate to protest about food not being good enough because i feel like its still food and i should eat it.
Um... one good thing that happened to me today is that when my father and uncle had gone to buy vegetables for tomorrow, my mother and i were at home and she talked a bit about my uncles terrible behaviour and i could let her know that I'm on her side about this and that I'm here if she wants a hug or kiss from me. I call this a good thing that happened to me because i want her to know that i get how annoying my uncle (her brother) is and that i understand her problems and feelings more than she thinks i do. Sadly she doesnt seem to understand my problems and i wish she did.....
