Space to talk with @Tinywhisper11

@Vector5 how have you been? How's studying going?

@Tinywhisper11

I've been doing OK and even great at some point, but then a chain of events that I had no control over sent me again in a deep depression😣

I tried to work hard on myself, tried to work towards my goals but all my efforts got crushed. 

I feel so demotivated at the moment. 

And about studying... 

My situation is really messed up right now. 

I took a gap year because, at my final year of high school I wanted to apply to a university in the United States but my parents couldn't care less and it made me give up. 

I still had this dream and decided to go for it and that's why I took a gap year. 

But I'm just depressed and not even doing anything. 

So that's about it. 

And you how have you been? 

How's your health? Are your health issues a bit better? 

@Vector5 yeah I'm doing ok ❤thanks

Depression really sucks🙁 sorry about that. Listen I know your need for love and acceptance, but don't listen or care what your parents say/do. You've tried your best with them, perhaps moving on emotionally would be a hard path, but a good one ❤

@Tinywhisper11

You're right. I should stop caring about them. It's just very hard. 

I have no idea what to do without support around me. 

I feel like I'm just sinking. 

Today I want to go to church. It usually calms me down. 

It's not ideal but at least it gives me peace. 

Also, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. 

At school growing up I was a bright student. My teachers told me I have a good future. And here I am. Having no one. And it's not for the lack of trying. I tried so hard to connect with my dad but he couldn't care less! 

My parents and family never saw my worth. They only told me I was stupid and will achieve nothing in life. 

They never praised me or hugged me. 

Just gave me money and food. 

It was so isolating. 

Every time I do talk to my dad it feels like an empty space. It feels like he has no emotions, nothing. 

It just hurts me deeply. 

Today I just feel so hurt I just want to cry all day.. 

@Vector5 wipes your tears and sits beside you. Someone told me earlier, that everything we go through us just a phase in our lives. So never give up trying. Never give up on hope ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Thank you. I'm gonna go to church now. I'm not religious or anything, but just hoping that there's someone out there that cares about me makes me feel better. 

Also the church is located in a pretty place that makes me feel at peace❤️

@Vector5 you don't have to be religious to go to church, and it's ok to have your own believes, wether it's a religion or not. I don't count myself as any particular religion, but I believe in God , angels and heaven ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I kind of struggle to believe in a God. Why does he allow all this pain and suffering in the world? I'm truly confused. But well, nobody knows I guess. I believe more in some sort of God but thar created us but left. That would explain all the bad things happening. 

@Vector5 yeah or maybe there's a higher reason for suffering, I mean we won't find out for sure in this life, unless your lucky, I guess 

@Vector5 I'm glad you find peace in church, if it helps then definitely go ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I'll tell you how it went and can show you pictures of the place if you want to! 

@Vector5 that would be nice ❤ thankyou

@Tinywhisper11

I went to church but took no pictures. I was too busy being in my own thoughts 😂 But anyways it was a cloudy and gloomy day so it wasn't really pretty. 

@Vector5 that's ok ❤I hope it made you feel better though ❤ I'm very dizzy so I'm gonna call it a day ❤ I'll speak to you later ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Get a good rest❤️

And here's some ice cream🍦🍦🍦

Also I wanted to say sorry once again for all the mean things I said to you. 

I'm still angry at myself for it. 

@Vector5 it's ok, let the past be in the past. We are always gonna be friends, no matter what ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Aww❤️ thank you❤️ I really cherish our friendship. I promise I will do my best to be a good friend ❤️

I wanted to say I struggle a lot with feeling sorry for myself. I went through a lot and it's been so hard on me. I'm only 18 but my face looks already so old and ugly because of all that pain and stress I've been through. 

I see people my age having fun, living their lives and it just breaks my heart. I'm crying while typing it. 

I just wish I had a chance at life.

I feel like everything has been taken away from me. It just hurts so so bad. 

The only place where I received some compassion  was at the ER. The doctors actually cared. My parents and rest of the family didn't even bother to ask me how I'm doing. 

My life is really messed up. I am jealous of people who in a situation like me, have at least one parents or sibling or family member that can help. 

I don't. 

It's a miracle that I'm still here. 

I guess i should reach out for help more. 

I'm literally so desperate that I want to start talking to people on the street to help me. 

But ideally I obviously need therapy. 

I had horrible experiences with them though. 

They were invalidating and made me feel even worse. 

I was crying while typing it, and strangely I feel better. 

I just hope some sort of miracle happens and that things will get better for me. 

I feel like a bird that wants to fly but that is stuck!! I see how others are supported by their family. Their parents CARE about their future. 

Mine don't. 

I know I keep talking about them but it's because it's the first people in my surroundings. I have no one else to ask for help. 

I wish I was adopted.

I also get so stuck on the "why did it happen to me" thought and it's such a trap. It ends up making me feel worse. 

Well, I'm gonna go to bed early(usually I sleep at midnight) and just hope that a miracle happens. 

I also want to form a new habit of waking up early. 

I saw the sunrise only about 3 or 4 times. I never wake up that early. 

But I would like to hopefully see the sunrise tomorrow ❤️

I don't know if you have the same feeling, but whenever I look at the sky it just makes me feel peaceful. 

@Vector5 yeah the sky is very magical and calming. I love the sky with all its beauty and coulor, it looks like God painted the sky ❤🙂

I know the feeling of needing a loving family, and the feeling that others get to lead what seems to be happy, fun lives. And yeah it's a hard feeling to ignore. Unfortunately I have found, so many people had bad experiences with therapy. But there are many who are really good therapists🙂 maybe another try would be a good idea ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Especially where I live the sky is always so bright blue and extremely pretty!!! And the sunset is really beautiful too but I rarely watch it because I have no one else that wants to watch it with me. 

Hey! How are you doing? I hope you're feeling better. 

@Vector5 I'm recovering from surgery, so I am not feeling to great, but I'm not doing bad either ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

I hope you gonna recover quickly ❤️ 

I'm honestly pretty upset today. 

It feels like bad luck keeps following me. Some people told me it's just a matter of perception but it hurt more than it helped. 

I guess objectively they are right, but it's not the thing I'm ready to hear when I'm upset at a situation. 

When I'm upset like that I also just don't want to do anything but I guess that's pretty common 😕

I just feel so unproductive and far from reaching my whole potential. 

I just wish someone noticed me and helped me to achieve my dreams. 

But that's a passive way of thinking. I should make my own efforts to get better and improve my life but honestly it's so hard. 

My parents never taught me proper life skills and now I have to learn everything through you tube. Honestly if it wasn't for you tube I would be so ignorant. 

But I feel behind from people. 

I don't know how to drive, don't know how to manage money, I technically don't know anything about money and finances. I barely know how to cook. 

I wish I had some sort of mentor who could just be there by my side. It would have been so much easier.. 

But at least I have the internet! 

It has been incredibly helpful. 

I sometimes just lack the motivation to keep going and doing it all as I'm all alone. 

I'm thinking why would I matter if there's no one anyway to be even proud of me. 

But I can be proud of myself after all. 

I'm also amazed at how people can stay calm in all situations and think with clarity. 

I'm so emotional and I feel inferior to those people😔 I feel inferior to a lot of people actually. People who are smarter than me, who have a better family, better life that is put together unlike mine.. 

I worked a lot lately on these feelings of shame but they are not 100% gone. 

People told me I would benefit from therapy. 

I tried it when I was a teenager and it was so bad. 

They never went to the root of my problems and just believed all the made up stories my dad told them about me. 

They were also very dismissive. 

I don't know if you have any therapist but if you do I hope they are better than the ones I saw. 

It actually motivated me once to become a doctor to help people but now I'm not sure about this job. 

It's so tiring. 

A'd I'm more interested in creating and building new stuff😁 so engineering would be fun. 

Anyways, I don't know why I'm rambling so much today. 

I hope you have a good day ❤️

@Vector5 engineering does sound fun ❤ that would be a great career plan ❤ perspective does play a big part in life, however when your clearly upset and depressed, it is not something you want to hear. I know it's hard, especially at your age, I do have therapists are they are really nice to me ❤ and guess what? I've always been proud of you and always will be, you try so very hard at everything. And one day it will all be worth it ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Thank you! You're so kind. 

I'm not used to people being proud of me. But I guess I'm too self critical. 

I do try my best to improve my situation but sometimes even this feels like it's not enough. 

But at least I have the internet to teach me the right skills. 

I still haven't managed to cook properly though. 

If I ever become a wife I'm gonna accidentally burned down the whole kitchen 😂

But realistically I don't think I will ever find myself a boyfriend let alone a husband. 

I'm more of a loner and I struggle to open up to people. People are like a mystery to me. Maybe harder than math 😂

I still sometimes dream of true love though. Not sure if it even exists anymore. Heard some horrible stories. 

By the way, I tried to make some friends these past few months and it didn't really work out. I can't trust them with anything and our conversations are pretty shallow. 

But at least I tried instead of just complaining. 

I guess i should look for friends in other places, maybe I will have more luck. 

And friendship can be with animals too! I love animals. Especially dogs and cats! They are so cute. And some of them are much kinder than humans. 

@Vector5 you know getting a pet might be a good idea for you ❤ I love my 3 little pigs (guinea pigs) they are so funny and cuddly. When I watch the sunrise, I prefer to be alone, I sit outside in the garden under the willow tree, by my sons cross. Drink coffee listen to some feel good music. And just talk to God and my son. It's so peaceful, and when the birds start waking up, their songs just make it all complete ❤ but I do prefer to be alone most of the time though. Love and relationships I know nothing about. But you will find someone, never say never, we don't know what's waiting for us just around the corner ❤ you know your doing everything right in life, it's just your brain don't want to let you see it. The mind can be the cruelest tool🙁 but always keep hope alive ❤ hugs you tightly ❤

@Tinywhisper11

That must be lovely! I rarely hear the birds sing because I live in a big city. 

I hear sounds of motorcycle at 2 am and drunk people shouting😂

But in all honesty it's anooying living in a city like that. This city is also listed as one of the most unsafe in Europe. 

Once I was walking in the street and a man started shouting and cursing at me😭

So yeah, pretty unsafe here. 

By the way I love willow trees!!! They remind me of my hometown! There's no willow trees here because the climate is too hot. 

To be honest I thought you were a person that liked to be around others most of the time. 

I assume that everyone is more social than me. 

I remember your Guinea pigs. It must be fun playing and taking care of them. 

I will think about getting a pet. 

Or maybe volunteer at an animal shelter. 

For the relationship part, I'm really not sure it's gonna happen. You never met me in real life and trust me I'm awkward. On messages it's fine but talking someone face to face is not th same. 

Especially when I'm around boys I feel uneasy. So yeah, not a great start for finding a guy. 

I used to be so, so sad about not having a boyfriend but now I guess I'm more ok with it. I want to work on myself first. 

I'm afraid of being a possessive and jealous girlfriend. I'm also scared of finding the wrong guy. It's tough to find great people. 

Lately, I also started to feel like I don't matter and don't have any significance in the world. I just want to do something great, be useful! I feel like a lame human that haven't achieved much. 

I also feel like I am not living up to my potential. I want to be able to do more. But my circumstances are stopping me for now and it's really painful. 

I have so much sadness over the things I could have accomplished by now. 

But well, I should stop thinking about what should or could have been. It's just painful. 

By the way, what musing are you listening to? 

I usually listen to some old songs or songs from movies or cartoons😂 

Hey. How are you doing today? 

I'm still depressed to be honest. 

So many negative events happened this summer to me. And it was external events I couldn't even control. 

I just want to cry all day for now and stay in bed. 

But in the same time I want to feel better and move on. 

It's all so confusing in my brain right now. 

@Vector5 unfortunately out brains are like snowflakes, each one different, so we will never be able to truly know another person. Mental health, and depression is incredibly difficult to learn to live beside. But that's the key, we can't change some things like the past, but we can change the way we think, the way we want to be ❤ as humans we tend to think to much and complicate things, perhaps stepping back and just realising what we have, just living for right now, can change everything. They say you should live each day as if it's your last ❤

@Tinywhisper11

You're light years ahead of me in terms of maturity 😂 I love your perspective! You're so right about this. 

I wish it was easy to implement this thinking though. 

Also I completely forgot to talk about a situation. So I used to be pretty close with my uncle. He used to be very attentive to me. He really listened and gave me advice. I could literally call him everyday and we would talk for hours. 

Then he suddenly changed. His advice didn't help anymore and he started to get busier. 

I reached out to him not long ago because I needed his help but it he's not the same anymore. He's just busy and every time I call him it feels like he wants to get rid of me. 

I got so attached to him and now this is happening. 

The problem is that the same pattern happened a lot in my life. I get attached to a person and then they end up leaving for on reason or another. 

I feel sad over it and wish I could bring my old uncle back. I have so much nostalgia over our long evening talks. 

Honesty it feels like this summer and even now, my whole life is falling apart. 

I should let go though. I can't bring back the old him. 

It's so weird to see technically the same person but that is so different now. 

It just makes me want to cry so much. I wish I had a support system. 

@Vector5 yeah I don't think I'd like living in a city, a firework went off just before midnight, it scared the crap out of me. So living in a city I would not like🙂

I'm not that social, I don't get much chance to be. I never leave the care home grounds. There's only 12 residents living here including me. And then carers and staff, I get along with them all, I can talk comfortably to my carers and some staff. and the other residents always talk when they see me, but I let them do pretty much all the talking. They are all elderly folk, so they just want someone who will listen to them.

yeah before you left the site last time, you told me about your uncle 🙁 I'm sorry it had to be that way🙁 the one person you thought you would always be able to rely on. 😥

I'm glad your happy being single, working on yourself is definetly the right thing to do first ❤ when you said you don't think your living to your full potential what exactly does that mean for you??

hugs you tightly ❤❤❤ your doing amazing ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Omg. Fireworks are horrible! They are so loud and always set off my anxiety. 

Yeah I remember you told me you don't leave the care home grounds. But I thought there were more people at the care home. Anyways I know how old people love talking for hours. It can be interesting at first but can get annoying too😂

Do you think you will be able to leave the care home grounds one day? Or is it too dangerous? You don't have to reply if you don't want to. I tend to be very curious but I get that you may not want to talk about it. 

So by not reaching my potential I mean not living in an environment that helps me blossom and develop my natural talents and abilities. 

My main goal was always survive but not how can I make a good and happy life for myself. 

I always had to get by. Still do. 

It's painful to see people achieve what I CAN ACHIEVE just because they got more help in life. 

It makes me bitter. 

But I want to be a good and kind human and try to fight these thoughts. 

Hey. I won't be able to go on cups a lot. My life took an unexpected turn for he worse. 

I might end up homeless very soon. 

So I wanted you to know if I don't reply I'm not ghosting you. 

Hey. So now I have a temporary place but it's a mess.

Gosh, I don't get it why it all happened. 

I feel so sad and want to give up. 

I feel extremely useless and powerless. 

I'm also in survival mode right now and have such a bad migraine.