path away from not being someone to being seen for being someone
this may seem crazy to more, but it what we have lived. seem like all my life i was not allowed to be a full person. seem like i was just seen as my mom daughter and my brothers sister. many did not call me by my name at all. some even thought i was just like my mom with her likes and dislikes. no one asked me what i personally liked and dislikes. this made me feel like i was no one at all.
may 2017 i moved to different city in same state. first time in my life i been not close to were my family lives. so people now here know me as me call me by name. even ask questions about my likes and dislikes. this even after more then 7yr still feel odd, but to others it be normal to have name used and asked questions about self. not even sure why it just feel odd to me. here i living free from them who abused me. not even hear from family members much.
but i also find myself at times lost to what i like and dislike it just so new to me still. feel kinda crazy writing this out even most would know answers to what they truly like and dislike but i question that a lot
@stormieandpaws
We see ourselves differently and this must be confusing to be YOU. when you are someone's child someones sister but not seen as just YOU.
Even though it has been years ...........now is time for YOU to find and recognize yourself and your likes/ dislikes /views and such. Guess what those too change in time. I did not see myself at one time ....... I was someones mom / someones wife ..... it can happen to anyone.
I sometimes have to tell others things like "NO i do not like X ... YOU do, that does not make it be my favorite too." I used to get angry that my likes were ignored ..... then I realized I can speak up and do whenever I feel falling back into a category in someones eyes.
@toughTiger6481
thank you we kinda did that when we moved in may 2017 my family did not want us to move. dad even stated you want to move back in less then a year. he said you depend on us way to much to move away too. see this as away he was trying to brainwash me emotionally. mom even said we was abandoning her and did not love her. mom know about the abuse in my childhood, but she made excuses for them when we brought it up to her after we moved. we allow her to visit us stay with us a week too. over that time we found out she did know and she did abuse us.
we think the greatest thing after we moved and mom was here visiting. a new friend of mine picked us up for church my mom called her a friend. my friend right out stated i not your friend i am her friend. the look on mom face was priceless as this new friend of mine. let her know that she was my friend alone. so we have got better after we moved but still have a long ways to go too.
the big thing is we love art most my family see it as a worthless thing to do. so after we moved we started painting and few other things. no we not the greatest at them things but we enjoy them.
but when you have lived you life as a nobody it hard work to change that thinking too
@stormieandpaws
Understand that my mom did not like any choice i made without her input she warned me of silly things to make me NEED her help / advice. It is about control and them feeling needed.
@toughTiger6481
yes i agree with you. sad part is my mom lived in abuse her whole life and never got help even when it was offered. so part of her actions come from that. but it still not right to do. so i had to break her being codependents' on me also i somewhat was on her. until i got help and started healing. one of the mental health social workers told me that my mom as what called learned helplessness'. she told me this mean a person believes that they can not help self at all. most with this will stay in abuses tell others there no way out or things like it their cross to bear that what my mom said over and over. so she claims she as helpless in stopping her abuse and mine too. but that a lie she told herself. sadly many do same thing too.
@stormieandpaws
You are correct far too many are of this... learned helplessness and they openly run from any solution to lift themselves out of anything... i have seen people live this way and it was too hard to see them not even try bend themselves into a pretzel to have reasons to not help themselves.
@toughTiger6481
yes my mom was abused as a child 18 months and up she meet by dad as a teen married him at 21yr old he was very abusive to her and us. she few years ago stated your dad never hit me and never left me. she and him both 81yr old now. growing up i hear what he was doing to her in middle of night her yelling no stop. but she did nothing to make it better. she also allowed my brother to hurt me she know but would not do nothing. i think that was due to if she faced the abuse of me she have to face her own abuse. so they hurt me from young age up.
we never saw the abuse she did to us until few years ago truth is we tryed to place all the blame on dad and brothers. but the hard part the hurtful part is she was the adult and did nothing to keep us safe. then by her talking about what happened when her and her sister were taken away from her mother and placed in state care. she put fear in me about CPS and what can happen in system. but i just found out when she was young there was no CPS and no foster care system, so when i was young it would have been lot different. but by what she told me it kelp me from telling about the abuse out of fear i be worst off if i told. we working on dealing with the anger at our mom but that not easy at all. so again thank you for support and hearing us
@stormieandpaws
some day i hope you will see her actions as sad... i know many of my moms issues, i only clearly saw too late as she was dying or after she passed ........that she had many issues refused to acknowledge or re-framed uncomfortable events .... she had many regrets but never acted on them to change anything...
The reality is looking back we will see so many flaws -
maybe you would have not had a bad thing if you did speak up but i have heard the bad stories of cps / foster being just as bad / worse. we can not ever know about the road not taken.
She wanted to scare you into her view that their was no escape most of these self helplessness types often do this .... I know i had some times with my kids where i wanted to warn them of so many things....... that i bit my tongue and they did great things that I am sure my mom would have freaked out about and it all worked out well ....
@toughTiger6481
due to how i was raised and marring a abuser who was very bad. he seemed to want to control using things done in bedroom. this was same thing my dad did to my mom. i did not know it was abuse at all. but i also did not know how to get help. when my oldest was 9 months old i lost my job. after that he not let me work again. so i had no income did not know how to get help. when i was expecting my 3nd child i started having flashbacks and seeing ones inside and hearing them. also my oldest that was code blue at birth never would sleep so i never got any real rest and was kinda like a zombie in many ways. CPS took my kids and due to trail program that the social workers got money to get kids in adaptable homes. they did not even try to help me they did not even tell me about community mental health. they even wanted me to go to work and my hubby who abused us all to stay home with the kids. he was military and know how to acted to make people like him. he fooled many and they did not know how he was. they not even give me my own counselor we meet one together. i was scared to say anything due to i pay when we got home
we both lost parental rights and our 3 kids were adopted by a women who would only take special need kids she also was on SSDI for mental health issues. sad part is few year later she lost my kids and other kids for abusing them. we can not find out anything about her court case. her only punishment was being put in adult foster care home. i angry at what happened to my kids and well how we was treated too. it been over 20 years since i seen or talked to my kids
2 of them are still in the system as adults due to the abuse we tried to see them get information on them but the social workers over them will not allow it.
we keep think what if my mom got help got us help too how different life might have been. but can not change that at all. both my parents 81yr old and not in good health at all. within i forgave them but not going to put self in danger again.
sorry wrote so much but wanted you to understand a little more thank you
