So tired.

@maxisthebest

Edit: I meant to put 15 years old. Apologies for the mistake

Dear @maxisthebest,

I just read your post and I am sorry that this happened to you, because sexual abuse is never okay and can never be your fault. I can imagine that is quite painful when you are blamed for something that is traumatic like this. Especially coming from people that are supposed to be close to you.

I just want to let you know that I do not think that it is your fault in any way, and that you are very brave for reaching out. 

Love,

Essy1990

@maxisthebest

In reply to.....So tired....

This is a life event that's hard for anyone your tender age and to make matters more emotionally powerful, there's  all the mixed feelings over the trauma of being raped, following on with this pregnancy.

Straight away from reading your post, it appears you are dealing with a crisis that is way too serious for someone your age and there seems to be the impression you are so very much alone in all of this.

It's very heartbreaking for your parent's to lay blame upon you for this happening, yet anything like this can create a mixture of feelings that go on to cause different responses from different people.

Your dad is very angry with you about all of this and doesn't seem at all sympathetic to your very heartbreaking situation.  The way he is behaving can only be thought of as very insensitive, cruel, hard and showing a total lack of understanding as to what you are going through right now.

For your dad bursting into the room and asking why you've been there all day may show his lack of understanding and all this anger towards you.  

However.  Perhaps deep underneath, he can't really (maybe not at all) accept what has happened to you and this is his only genuine and true way of handling the situation without facing the full and frightening reality.

This doesn't at all justify his appalling behaviour towards you but it can help to understand a little about how people will respond when they face something they perhaps have never believed they'll ever experience in their lives.

It can only be something people really don't understand because they genuinely believe it'll never happen to them.  The problem with sexual abuse and in particular, child sexual abuse (as in your situation), it's a subject people experience only via the news or documentaries and so on.....

You tell your dad that you are sick  as to the reason why you spent all day in your room and you said you didn't want to cause the other family members (such as your dad, step-mother and step-grandfather) to be ill.

Yet underneath it all, you know that you are not going to pass any illness on to anyone at home.  You feel very ill because of the turmoil you are currently in and it must be so hard to have to live with a family who are possibly so unsupportive.

None of them know what to do and this only leaves you alone in your room to deal with the guilt and not want to be with any of them right now.  Therefore you sadly hide away and it must be heartbreaking at not knowing who to turn to for help, where to go or what to do.

For some reason, your dad says that you are only sick because you got raped and the rape was your own fault.  

There's certainly something very unsettling and upsetting with regard to his attitude here and whatever the circumstances surrounding your very serious sexual assault, your dad cannot accept what happened to you....

Nor can he accept the very sad consequencies that have now resulted from your rape.

Understandably, you are feeling very unwell (physically) and with everything that's happened to you, it's no surprise you'll experiencing a form of long-term shock and dealing with many mixed, confusing emotions right now.

All of this will undoubtedly leave you very exhausted.

The problem that now needs to be addressed will be the next stages in which you need to take in order to get the right help you really need.

It's a very cruel and unfair situation you are in at present but sadly, it needs to be said that (being honest) you can't continue like this.

From what you've written in your postings, you're dealing with a lot of issues that far outweigh the little help you are getting to move forward and take care of yourself.

You're struggling with regards to your eating habits and are experiencing a lot of feeling and wanting to be sick.  Already you have been very ill due to the physical effects of your pregnancy and to make matters even worse.....

You are so young and gone through a horrible, terrifying experience.  This will alone  cause you to be very ill and only  even more so because of all the worry, pressure and stress you are under right now.

Anybody in your situation will find themselves being alone, isolated and not knowing where to turn for help.  

It's not only the mixed emotions and all the confusion that  will make someone very physically ill but it's also made even worse because they find the need to actually hide their illnesses to protect themselves from being seen as vulnerable and being at further risk of harm.

Just the same way as you have done......Telling people you're not well and hiding away (so as others won't 'catch anything') can be an option to disguise the real trauma and suffering they are experiencing in total silence and being so alone.

In your further post about you hating who you are, you write about how people genuinely feel they are jealous of you and want to be like you.  Depending upon which way you look at it can give off a different meaning.

OK...You can resent the fact people are jealous of you because they may think you are such a wonderful, cool and amazing person...

On the other hand, some people would enjoy the attention it gives them...

For many people, it's a good way to hide the fact they are dealing with various issues, whether it be mental health or otherwise.

However.  For you.  Because you've gotten so accustomed to dealing with your mental health problems, you've now become so good at living your life to a point where nobody can see there is a problem at all.

In a way.  You've sort of developed your own 'public persona' in order to mask over the pain so other's can't see it.  

Admittedly.  Mental health problems usually are invisible to others or perhaps put things another way, people just don't seem to notice what goes on around them because they are so busy dealing with their own lives anyway.

Let's be honest.  A lot of people just don't care unless it happens to them.

Hating who you are is now a very common problem shared privately by many people.  It is one truthful yet hidden reality behind the reason people are either miserable, grumpy or just seem to sneer at others and walk on without giving a damn.

Deep down, they not only hate themselves, but the journey their lives are taking them without a feeling of being in control and wondering when they'll find some peace and happiness within themselves.

The cause being that constant drudgery of everyday life and questioning what it's all about, why are we here and wondering what is the deeper meaning of it all.

A sad reflection of no direction, no control.....

It is very sad that you are having to go through this and it's a question (or many) of trying as hard as you can to fight your way out of it.

For you.  Perhaps very deep down underneath, you already know this and there are many young people in your situation out there who are mature enough beyond their tender years to understand the importance of putting on a brave face and to just be an amazing person....

Because (even if only in their sub-conscious mind), they know people just won't want to know about their problems anyway.  

What eventually happens?  They get very used to living their lives in a way that gives everyone around them this impression they so cheerful, confident and care-free.

Maybe they can be like you...Letting the world see how rebellious, cool, argumentative and forth-coming you are....For many.  This is a great way to hide the ever-deepening pain they are in and the only way they know how to handle it.

You genuinely believe that you are a horrible person but that's because a mixture of emotions connected with any mental health issues and a very low self-esteem can create a feeling of being horrible and this can encourage angry or other unpleasant behaviour towards others.  

Like a form of 'masking over' the real truth of who you are in order to protect yourself from further possible hurt and harm.

There's a desperate need to help others but that never materialises in the way you originally want because....  

There are times when we are in a delicate emotional state when whatever we say or do 'just totally comes out wrong'.  It happens.

With everything that's happening in your life at present, it's very understandable to be feeling tired.  There's firstly the physical, drained feeling that comes with being just physically exhausted because of everything you're dealing with right now.

Everything you have written on your posts will have both a physical and mental effect upon your well-being.

Waking up in the morning is a tiring task in itself for anyone undergoing the stressors you are experiencing.   Lying there in bed whilst contemplating the jobs that need to be done can be enough to make you want to stay in bed.

Then if you are having a 'bad day' in which you know immediately as soon as you get out of bed, you'll feel even worse....

The prospect of getting up becomes even more daunting than ever and it can become a vicious circle of negative thoughts and feelings, leading on to not wanting to get out of bed at all.

Take the first example, such as being pregnant....That's enough strain upon your body in itself, let alone anything else that's going on in your life.

It's only the right thing to be totally honest with you (and anyone else who is experiencing what you are going through) to say that your pregnancy will involve a very deep mixture of emotions....This is due to your tragic circumstances, being the rape that caused you to get pregnant in the first place.

This is already showing itself through your self-hatred and not being able to stay sober.  All of this is to block out your pain and this will undoubtedly be very mentally tiring.

Cutting yourself all the time will not only be mentally tiring due to the pain but also physically tiring because of the injuries you are causing yourself.  The fear of hurting your baby is a natural part of your painful and heartbreaking battle.

Even in your heart-wrenching situation, you want to protect the most innocent of all....Your child.

Yet there's going to be conflict and emotional turmoil surrounding your unborn baby because of the rape.  

Underneath it all, you are very frightened and perhaps are not fully aware of the emotional journey you are about to embark.

Going back to the envy and jealousy part of your story....Yes. People will look at you through envious eyes and many will experience a sense of wanting to express criticism (even if nothing is said to you)....

In a society that is very oriented towards bringing more children into the world and where so many yearn to be parents and be a part of this child-centric culture, there will be different emotions evoked in people who even merely pass by you in the street and don't know you....

People walk by a pregnant girl who is merely a child herself and  will experience a feeling of pity.  

Some will experience resentment, whilst others will experience admiration.

The mixture of emotions are always varied and there are people who'll resent anyone being pregnant because they genuinely have a very deep, buried private yearning for a child themselves.

You're going through one *** of a lot of both physical and emotional pain at present and this can only be shared and understood by the many others who are in your situation.

Much of your physical pain may be the result of your own self-infliction yet who can argue the cause of all this pain will be a man (whoever he was and whatever the age he was) who can just walk away and leave behind such total, heart-wrenching devastation.

Very sadly and not surprisingly, there will be many who could read something like this and immediately relate to what is going on here and it's only going to be a silent reaction because many of these are people like yourself who will only be able to deal with all of this in total silence....Or otherwise have done in their own past.

You want all of this to end and yearn so desperately for your mom, yet she is not there to look after you.  There's just no easy way to say that you are in need of not only some serious, deep comfort but also some serious help and support.

To be fair, someone such as a vulnerable young girl in your situation (like yourself) will more than benefit by having their mother by their side because (if totally nothing else), the mother will at least understand more than anyone in your life what you are going through right now.

Admittedly.  There are certainly many mothers out there who are by possibly even worse than your dad with regards to how they behave towards and show disrespect to their children.  

However.  Perhaps having someone close who at least can understand what you are going through will help more than anything.  Sadly.  Your mom isn't in your life right now and perhaps it could be said that a mother's understanding would more than be of help....

Putting that aside.  Whatever our life's journey throws at us, nothing ever goes to plan and the people we need most cannot always be there for us.

Your dad treats you 'like a dog' and it seems to be happening because there's something going on that is so much deeper than that of a bewildered and frustrated parent trying to care for their daughter.

There can be a number of reasons for a parent to not want to show affection towards their very young daughter who is expecting a child and perhaps one of them can be actual fear of not knowing what to really do or what the future holds for their possibly frightened child.

Many parents think they will not have to endure the consequences of their teenage daughters becoming pregnant because (of course) their children know all about contraception and 'the birds and the bees' (whatever that means) and so on.....

What a relief it is for them to them to not have to go through with all that until the 'the time is just right'....Or so they believe.....

For many of these parents (and others in general), they can sit back and actively criticise somebody else without knowing or understanding their life stories.

Then it happens...

A change of heart is needed from a bewildered parent in having to accept their child's life will change forever due to  a sudden, uplanned and very early pregnancy.

Perhaps your father hasn't been able to accept this and he is behaving like this because he can't handle the situation.  There's also the possibility he can't deal with the fact that you were raped, therefore deep inside he feels guilt and blames himself.

Yet the only way he can express his guilt, anger, helplessness and sheer frustration is through his explosive outbursts of anger and resentment towards you.  For him, this is a new event that possibly is creating a considerable amount of fear because it's something he perhaps can't handle right now.

Deep underneath, there must be just a small part of him that can see his own daughter (barely more than a child herself) struggling with both mental and physical challenges of expecting a baby and dealing with her own mental health issues as well.

Surely.  He must at least get just a glimpse of your pain, fears and anguish of having to deal with it all on your own (which is as good as being all alone, from what you have written).

Your dad may even feel ashamed with himself at the thought of you being in this heartbreaking situation.

However.  This does not excuse your dad's appalling behaviour and he really needs to face, accept and understand what challenges are awating you (his own daughter).

You write about your friend (Adrien) who has helped you so much and given you the inspiration and will-power to go forward.  She tells you that you need to prove to your dad and stepmom that you can and will have this baby - and (of course) prove them wrong.

Fair enough, your friend has very good intentions by telling you something that uplifts and motivates you.  

In a way, you are already telling yourself this and as good as a friend Adrien is....She is merely telling you what you already know and this deep inside, is all the more causing you to struggle and fight with your own inner turmoil and emotions.

A very good friend who is dealing with a lot of problems herself (from what you have written) but in the end, you still feel bad about yourself because of everything that's happened to you.

It's not all about proving anybody wrong but doing what you feel is right for you....

Moving on to the girl at school who told everyone lies about you.  

In situations like that, there's not a lot you can really do.  She was once your friend and there may be a number of reasons as to why she hurt you so badly.  It's a sad, cruel reality of life and it happens all the time.

The issues within your family such as your mom dating a person who has been involved in sexual offences is something often overlooked in our society.  Although everyone genuinely feels they understand about the subject of sexual assault, rape and so on - they prefer some kind of dramatised image of a weird, psychotic maniac storming their way through house causing sexual devastation....Or perhaps some 'grubby creep' hanging around school playgrounds during the day, sleazy bars at night and sending images of his private parts on social media.

It all helps people to deal feel more comfortable about themselves and the world....

Rather than face the hard, true reality of life... 

Sadly.  The situation you describe about your mom bringing this 'boyfriend' of her's back home to your house is now becoming a part of many families everyday lives.

Perhaps your mom can't fully accept and appreciate the true reality of what she has done with regard to bringing this 'pervert' boyfriend home because there seems to be this forever held attitude that it 'happens to others who let perverts into their home in the first place'.

Putting it honestly and simply.  There are many parents out there (and way too many) who commit acts of cruely towards their children and it can be honestly said there are those that will just sit back and allow their children to be abused by a partner.

There are those who are genuinely scared to do anything and can do nothing else through  fear of what repercussions can come....Then there are those who  are just as cruel and want to allow their child to be abused by the partner....

Perhaps for some, it can be pure and honest denial and never being able to accept that a partner or member of the family can even think about committing such horrible behaviour towards their own child.

Perhaps this is what is happening to you and your family....Maybe this is why all the anger is being directed at you.

Anger through fear of not being able to face the truth of what is really going on....It is sadly something that is happening more and more.

It may be a good idea not to see your mom for a while and use the cancellation of these visits as an opportunity to keep a distance from this boyfriend of her's.

From what you have written, this man shouldn't be near any children at all but if your mom wants to carry on with him and be a part of his life, then it's best for you and your sister to only allow your mom to visit alone.

If your mom can't agree to that....Then it is for the best she doesn't see you if it means bringing someone into your home who could be very dangerous.

One thing is certain....  That is, you will be in need of some professional help.

This pregnancy is not easy for you because of what happened and the only way to deal with it is to mis-use drugs, alcohol or nicotine....You're trying to block out the pain.

It's not only the journey of pregnancy that can bring challenges to anyone but for someone who's been raped, there's always going to be the memories of that experience which will last a lifetime - whatever anybody thinks....People don't just 'get over it' and move on.

On top of everything, you've had problems with your boyfriend and the relationship seems to be in turmoil.  Whether or not he is the actual father of your child doesn't mean he can't change the way in which he treats you now and - or in the future.

Your parents are sending you to a mental hospital and it's possible you'll have Baby whilst in there.  There may be some advantage to going into this hospital and giving birth there....There may also be an opportunity to get extra help which we will get to shortly.....

You wrote about wanting to call your therapist at school, yet your counsellor said 'no'  because 'it was against school policy'.  

Sadly.  The cruel reality of a situation like your's is that the school counsellor/therapist can only do so much for you and can only go to a certain point in treating you.

The school counsellors/therapists will be limited in their time, finances and resources to help you.  Because of your very serious situation, it's even likely they just can't handle your case because they may even lack the knowledge and understanding to help.   

This is now a massive problem worldwide....The reason being that mental health issues are becoming so serious and effecting people more than ever before, to a point where the situation is now a crisis that is beyond the control of those trying their hardest to help.

People often say that mental health issues are  nowadays more 'highlighted' because of we talk about it much more and it's widely appreciated in our digital, media world.

In reality...It's a problem that is actually growing by the day.

How do they deal with you?  

Firmly and politely tell you and your stepmom that it is not their problem any more....Or put it another way....Get help/treatment elsewhere or work it out at home with the family.

Unfortunately...Anyone in your situation will understand the difficult challenges you are going to face as you progress with this pregnancy and have your baby.  

It may seriously be worth considering going into the hospital (mental health clinic) as an 'inpatient'.

They may be able to give you the more specialist help you so desperately need....Such as working with you to overcome your eating disorders, self-harm, alcohol, drugs and the mental health issues in general.

There's your very young age to consider with regard to all the problems you are experiencing right now...The sexual abuse at home.  The rape.  All of these issues are going to require more in-depth help rather than a school counsellor/therapist simply telling you to go home and sort it out.

Sending people home is another way to save time and money so as to reduce the cost of using public services for health care, either mental health or otherwise.

You're dealing with multiple personalities and that's an area in which you need help as well.

All in all, it may be a safer option for both you and the baby to have care through using the clinic as an inpatient.  You'll have more access to welfare workers such as counsellors/therapists who may be of more help because they'll hopefully have a deeper understanding of your specific needs.

It's very understandable for you to be frightened of them wanting to take your baby away.  

However.  Unless your circumstances are so severe that you can't care for your child, it's unlikely they'll just take your baby away.

With regards to the welfare of both you and your baby - the medical team at the hospital should discuss your options with you.

Hopefully.  You'll get access to some extra help in order to care for your child and also any thoughts about adoption and so on should be discussed in detail and allow you to seriously consider the decisions.

At present, your home life is not really going to very helpful for a very young adult like yourself trying to raise a baby.  This means it's important to get as much professional help as you can possibly be able to access because you will be dealing with much of this on you own.

Although you may feel so alone right now, getting access to the right help by people who understand what you are going through and hopefully being able to give you the support you need - you'll find your way through this.

Paul......

@maxisthebest there are abortion services available if needed. I learnt about them, they will ask twice and they will help you, no judgment. As long as it’s your idea and no one has pressured you into it , they will help

never hesitate to reach out to me if you ever need help or want me to listen💗💗💗💗

It's not your fault. You're environment is not good for you. For now, it's going to be your choice. Do you want to find a job after giving birth? Or finish your studies if your parents will insist to take care of your baby