Preggo and confused AF
Im currently 7 months in with my first baby. I feel so alone. Lonely. Unseen. Unheard . Unloveable. Unworthy.
The father was a guy i was on and off with for a few years. And hes the only bf i ever had. I already left bfor bcos of how narcissistic he was, mainly with cheating and just punishing me, yanno, that 'do as ur told or else' kinda thing..
When i decided to cut him off, i was no contact for 3 years. Plus, it was pandemic. I tried working on myself and for a while, i thought i was moving on.
That was until he managed to swoop me again with words. We ended up living together and within the first 4 months, i fell pregnant.
For some reason, it made him treat me like im nothing. Like he just couldnt be bothered with me. Like im just a pest. A neusance. He was drinking everyday and it always leads to fight. It gets physical, even though im pregnant.
He would keep me up until 3/4 am with the fights, go to sleep like a log and then he wakes up the following day like nothing happened.
Or, he would get on his knees, with fake tears, saying hes sorry, he loves me, he knows theres something wrong with him. Hel change. Hel never do it again.
When hes not drunk, hes on his phone all day checking out women. This is all during the time that he wont even touch me, looks at me with disgust, comments about my weight and body knowing im pregnant. Even in bed he only cares about himself. I feel so ugly. Insecure.
All of this while i work, cook clean, pay for everything. He even owes me quite some money. Even when im sick i need to force myself to do things. Cos i cant rely on him. He doesnt care.
He didnt helped me with anything. Nothing.
Now, its been a month since he had to get out of the country to sort out finances. Its been a month of him ignoring me, can barely treat me like me and my child matters.
And given everything iv witnessed the entire time we was together, i know what his 'busy' means. And its nothing productive. But he acts up like hes elon musk with every second accounted for and just cant be bothered to spend time with me. Even just on video call.
Iv been angry the entire time. Telling him how hes affecting me. All i got was invalidations, labels, that im just crazy overthinking, my hormones.
I cant get angry anymore. All i do now is cry.
I feel so neglected. So deprived. Abandoned.
I feel so used.
Idk what to do.
I dont feel safe with him. I cant trust him.
He says he loves me but hes actions, hes consistency, shows he doesnt.
I feel like he just back into my life bcos he saw im moving on.
He doesnt want to be back with me.
He came around to get back at me.
And destroy whats left of me cos i managed to get away bfor.
Im already preparing myself for the possibility of being a single mom. But im in a lot of pain. Hes the only man i allowed in my life. And everytime hes around, he leaves a trail of destruction.
I decided to just stop talking to him ignore hes msgs. And idk how to move forward.
Any advice regarding child support, custody?
I dont want nothing to do with him anymore, even though i still long for who i thought he was. He still have that power over me where i feel scared of what he wil do if i just cut contact all together.
Sorry for rumbling. Idk what to do. And idek if what im saying makes sense.
But i hope someone can help me have some perpective.
Thank u for ur time and attention.