idk just an unorganized vent
a couple years ago I had a therapist who told me I have very mild ocd and supposedly but neurologist said that and i just forget. fast forward to now and i don’t beleive it. it gets worse whenever it falls out of my subconscious and into my stream of consciousness. i thought knowing my thoughts and writing them all down would help. now i have a page of all the reasons i hate myself and think im a bad person. my therapist only heard about my mild symptoms. if i could let myself keep a therapist maybe i could explain myself but the second id try talking things out, id go speechless and helpless. if i could share my thoughts, they’d only hurt worse. hearing the word ocd even in my head makes my intrusive thoughts worse. and even then i tell myself im faking or lying to myself. i keep trying to fix my self esteem but i need to stop hearing these thoughts first. but the idea of getting affirmed on if i do have ocd or not ( which i think i was told i have it unless that was another delusion, its complicated 😭) haunts me because it reminds me of my thoughts. i need to let it go because if i did telll someone out loud, they’d think i was crazy or tell me to stop listening to my bad thoughts. but now i feel like letters are unsafe and it’s just bad and okay and bad again on and on. i have things that trigger thinking about my intrusive thoughts (well listening to them) and the loop never ends. the thoughts keep forming into bigger monsters in my head and im not someone to share my thoughts unless im trauma dumping or over sharing so i never feel like i can tell anyone. then i also tell myself i dont have ocd because so many others have it and i just always tell myself im lying to myself. i used to repeatedly insult myself in my head.
anyways sorry for hopping from thoughts to thought- i guess this was a rant. and sorry for the poor grammar, i can do better but a few months ago i kind of just gave up on writing
thanks for reading my vent/ rant idk what to call it