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ivoryDog4942
2,654 M Hopeful Heart 5
PathStep 15 Compassion hearts240 Forum posts102 Forum upvotes144 Current upvotes144 Age GroupTeen Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 5, 2023
Bio

I’m basically very anxious nerd. I like to read, write, sing, play piano, draw, paint, and listen to music.

Did I mentioned I have anxiety? 🤔

Oh well, I guess I’ll say it again. I have General Anxiety Disorder and Epilepsy but I like to attempt fixing my mental health mentally and not saying anything about it until I explode.😁😁

I like dogs and ignoring my problems but I promise I am nice!!! I’m just a little silly with a side of possible social anxiety..

If you read my bio, please have a good day or a decent day and take a nice cup of peppermint tea! ☕️ ♡♡♡ッ




Recent forum posts
i swam
Poetry / by ivoryDog4942
Last post
 August 29th
...See more i swim in a pool of thoughts each night by the time guilt reaches me i’ve already lost the fight i drown to the thoughts and the problems i've made like happiness cannot be bought, i cannot be saved, but only a day: i’ll dream of soaring  above the water so green under the sunset, hair blowing in the breeze for weeks i’ll try to stay upstream but my head lies in my dreams: the darkness fills the negative space around my head and her pretty face it frames me wrong but somehow i know and i find my strength maybe dreams don’t lie maybe these past few days were just being alive and just being awake but then i go back to Mass hoping for strength but more than i am glad i feel afraid yes there is God yes it’s a safe place but after each song  i lose a little grace i lose a little faith  less in the Lord, more in the space: each different planets, with different names, almost all stay a solar system away so i get scared  i get sad i stare and then that brings tears the fountain of shame pours into my thoughts this becomes a great, grand pool of sobs i once swam   once floated  once drowned  now the cycle   once spins around
idk just an unorganized vent
OCD & Related Behaviors / by ivoryDog4942
Last post
 August 7th
...See more a couple years ago I had a therapist who told me I have very mild ocd and supposedly but neurologist said that and i just forget. fast forward to now and i don’t beleive it. it gets worse whenever it falls out of my subconscious and into my stream of consciousness. i thought knowing my thoughts and writing them all down would help. now i have a page of all the reasons i hate myself and think im a bad person. my therapist only heard about my mild symptoms. if i could let myself keep a therapist maybe i could explain myself but the second id try talking things out, id go speechless and helpless. if i could share my thoughts, they’d only hurt worse. hearing the word ocd even in my head makes my intrusive thoughts worse. and even then i tell myself im faking or lying to myself. i keep trying to fix my self esteem but i need to stop hearing these thoughts first. but the idea of getting affirmed on if i do have ocd or not ( which i think i was told i have it unless that was another delusion, its complicated 😭) haunts me because it reminds me of my thoughts. i need to let it go because if i did telll someone out loud, they’d think i was crazy or tell me to stop listening to my bad thoughts. but now i feel like letters are unsafe and it’s just bad and okay and bad again on and on. i have things that trigger thinking about my intrusive thoughts (well listening to them) and the loop never ends. the thoughts keep forming into bigger monsters in my head and im not someone to share my thoughts unless im trauma dumping or over sharing so i never feel like i can tell anyone. then i also tell myself i dont have ocd because so many others have it and i just always tell myself im lying to myself. i used to repeatedly insult myself in my head.  anyways sorry for hopping from thoughts to thought- i guess this was a rant. and sorry for the poor grammar, i can do better but a few months ago i kind of just gave up on writing thanks for reading my vent/ rant idk what to call it
where’s my light?
Poetry / by ivoryDog4942
Last post
 June 24th
...See more trampling thunder the light is away the fright differs to stray a glow enters humans a glow enters the fireflies a glow creates newness to everyone’s life i stay the same no evident change no light no smiles just fright for a while then i return to my tears its my nature i belong here in this pillow c r y i n g i wrap myself in shame guilt pins me down ”Don’t play this game!” i make my way around and live even dark clouds have light yet what surrounds my life are the dark clouds and c r i e s and screams and lies but the lies are mine ”Oh, I’m fine” the screams echo in the forest so i let go summoning the screams in my head Hey God, where’s my light? 
Start of 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓔𝓿𝓸𝓵𝓿𝓮𝓭 𝓓𝓸𝓰𝓼
Reading & Writing / by ivoryDog4942
Last post
 July 10th
...See more Alright, Alright. I was writing for a post in Icebreakers so Imma tag you two: @Torean and @jesusredeemedme2425 If you were tagged and didn’t want to see this (I’m not sure if I tagged correctly lol) then you can ignore this. I write on paper and I’m just showing you the first chapter (it’s short, kinda like a prelude) so I don’t forget to finish the story. So uh bug me if I take too long writing this. I might need a reminder to finish. This may be hard to read so let me know if you want a digital version.
Interesting video essay about friendship struggles
Friendship Support / by ivoryDog4942
Last post
 May 4th
...See more I don’t feel like I have a good person to share this to because it’s very deep but as someone who has trouble making friends, I found this essay very helpful as it’s not only about female friendships but also male, neurodivergent, and queer ones. It is an hour long but I hope someone out there will also relate to this.https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xMjt7q3bV_Y
a vent i guess
Depression Support / by ivoryDog4942
Last post
 April 25th
...See more I started 2024 off great and went down quickly. Now self love is distant because I let myself stay in an unhealthy friendship for so long. My anxiety went crazy after texting someone I didn’t even like just so I could feel something. Then after the anxiety was high for like a month, it was gone. Everything, gone. I hardly remember small events anymore. Though unimportant, my short term memory has helped me romanticize life and enjoy it more. Now I can’t romanticize bad things or okay things or anything. Therapy doesn’t help me but when I tell people they think I don’t want help. Now I’m just a burden, a weight, on myself and everyone around me. I would still care about everyone stupid word I say, but I don’t have the energy anymore.  Everything is peaceful now, but this sadness hugs me tight all day, everyday, making me wonder if it’s guilt or pain or just nothing. All emotions feel the same except for happiness, which I forget the feeling of almost immediately. Live in the moment, I guess.
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