idk just an unorganized vent
a couple years ago I had a therapist who told me I have very mild ocd and supposedly but neurologist said that and i just forget. fast forward to now and i don’t beleive it. it gets worse whenever it falls out of my subconscious and into my stream of consciousness. i thought knowing my thoughts and writing them all down would help. now i have a page of all the reasons i hate myself and think im a bad person. my therapist only heard about my mild symptoms. if i could let myself keep a therapist maybe i could explain myself but the second id try talking things out, id go speechless and helpless. if i could share my thoughts, they’d only hurt worse. hearing the word ocd even in my head makes my intrusive thoughts worse. and even then i tell myself im faking or lying to myself. i keep trying to fix my self esteem but i need to stop hearing these thoughts first. but the idea of getting affirmed on if i do have ocd or not ( which i think i was told i have it unless that was another delusion, its complicated 😭) haunts me because it reminds me of my thoughts. i need to let it go because if i did telll someone out loud, they’d think i was crazy or tell me to stop listening to my bad thoughts. but now i feel like letters are unsafe and it’s just bad and okay and bad again on and on. i have things that trigger thinking about my intrusive thoughts (well listening to them) and the loop never ends. the thoughts keep forming into bigger monsters in my head and im not someone to share my thoughts unless im trauma dumping or over sharing so i never feel like i can tell anyone. then i also tell myself i dont have ocd because so many others have it and i just always tell myself im lying to myself. i used to repeatedly insult myself in my head.
anyways sorry for hopping from thoughts to thought- i guess this was a rant. and sorry for the poor grammar, i can do better but a few months ago i kind of just gave up on writing
thanks for reading my vent/ rant idk what to call it
@ivoryDog4942
Hey, no need to apologize at all. I’m really glad you felt like you could share this. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot on your shoulders, and I can only imagine how exhausting that must be 😔.
First off, it’s okay to feel confused and overwhelmed about your diagnosis and what you’re experiencing. Intrusive thoughts can be so tricky and hard to deal with, and it’s completely valid to feel frustrated by them. Writing things down can sometimes help, but it sounds like for you, it ended up being more painful than helpful, and that’s totally okay.
The fact that you’ve even tried to face these thoughts and understand them shows so much strength. Feeling like you can’t talk to a therapist or anyone else because it makes the thoughts worse or you feel speechless is such a tough spot to be in. It makes sense that you'd feel stuck in this loop of trying to understand yourself but also being afraid of what it might mean.
The whole “am I faking this?” and comparing your experience to others is super common but doesn’t make your experience any less real or important. Your feelings are real and valid, no matter what anyone else is going through.
I’m really sorry you’ve been feeling like you’re alone in this and that sharing your thoughts feels like it might make things worse. It’s so important to be kind to yourself, even though I know that’s easier said than done. You deserve to feel understood and supported, and it sucks that it feels so hard to find that right now.
Thank you for trusting us with this. I hope you can find some peace and self-compassion. You’re not alone in this, and you’re doing your best, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Sending you lots of love and understanding 💖.
@tranquilechoes
Thank you so, so much. I really needed this response. I appreciate you and so many others on Cups. Have a great day/night ッ☕︎☕︎
@ivoryDog4942
Always there if you want to talk 🤍
I relate to this sooo much. I always suspected I might have OCD, and when I finally got diagnosed, I doubted it. I was also told mine was mild, but sometimes I feel like if my therapist knew everything, then maybe it’s more moderate. And I’ll convince myself I don’t have OCD, and then I start obsessing that I was faking it the whole time, and then I’ll have a bad episode and convince myself I do have OCD. And this never ends. It’s been months now and I keep researching online to see if I have it, even after the diagnosis and the obvious symptoms.
Obsessing over OCD itself I think is called ‘meta OCD’, which is what I think you and I are experiencing.
And I also feel like I can’t even say the letters OCD out loud or tell anyone I have it just in case I don’t have it… I feel like I’m disgracing everyone with OCD if I tell anyone I have it. It sucks.
