Vent: Stuck in a Loop
I'm stuck. Frustrated and stuck.
I feel like something is eating at me inside and I can't let it go, but I can't do anything with it, either. My mind is wrapped in an impossible loop, and I am at once addicted to it and loathe it at the same time.
People have this type of relationship with substances, like alcohol and narcotics, but what if the "substance" is your own mind? If I try to ignore it, it nags and nags and nags, interrupts my focus and demands attention, like a craving.
Sometimes I've imagined that obsession doesn't drive my behavior. That I'm actually exercising a willful control, deciding what to focus on and engage. If I put that energy to productive use, it's fine, right? It's not obsessive-compulsive anymore as long as it "serves a purpose."
That is how I've tried to operate, and it doesn't work. I become a slave to some subconscious demand and my conscious will is just along for the ride, snapping this way and that like a rubber doll, blind to the next bend, having faith that if I am so moved to act and can't let go then it's for the good and important, even if it stops making sense. Because it's so powerful.
The way I naturally seem to operate... I wish it didn't get so messed up.
@calypteanna
Thank you for reaching out! Loops are very frustrating and it can indeed feel like an addiction.
It looks like you are really struggling with acting on your compulsions. OCD (I am assuming you are experiencing it as you posted in the OCD sub-com) is hard because its your own brain that you are stuck in this tug-of-war with.
It looks like your approach is more in the realm of trying to fight back, using willpower which can be exhausting.
No matter how grim and overwhelming it looks right now, things can shift for the better. There is a channel that can be very helpful in helping you understand which tactics work for OCD and which ones are worsening it. I recommend checking it out
I'm also going through this same situation
@calypteanna I identify with this a lot. It’s like no matter how many times I go over and over a situation, my mind seems convinced that there is still some solution I haven’t thought of yet. Sometimes it’s things I wish I said or did, sometimes it’s overplanning future scenarios. I always want to find the perfect solution to avoid any further pain. It’s exhausting.