where to begin ? (how i think my ocd-type thing started)

//tw: religious stuff, generally distressing material

i remember the day this started.
august 23rd, 2024. 

id just woken up, and was finishing up getting the rest of my things packed, because my fam was going on a 3-day trip to disneyland. which is pretty exciting stuff. so i was minding my own business in the living room, and my mom comes out of her room, tells me good morning... everything's fine and dandy for a grand total of 5 minutes or so. and then... she picks something up; a lil flashcard, which i still dont know HOW the heck it got out of my room, and she briefly looked it over. turns out, it wasnt just a flashcard, but a VERY private piece of vent writing. and yes, in retrospect it was quite disturbing what had been written there, but thats how i try to cope with things in a household where therapy isnt an option and my feelings are constantly invalidated. so, my mom read this over and she was basically like "tokki, wtf is this ?" i tried explaining to her WHY i felt the need to write down this kind of stuff, and she was just NOT having it. she continuously called me crazy, pointed at me, told me i better start looking to god for forgiveness and that im going to h-ll, among other things, and just generally not letting me get a word in. to add insult to injury, she implied that she had been contemplating giving me my phone back (something i dont believe for one second) and that now i didnt deserve it. she called it embarrassing that im 17 and dont have a phone, and just generally ragged on how ashamed she is of me. how did i react? some tears, but... for the most part, fine. fine packing, fine in the car, just... a little numb and bummed out. that was a given, but i just felt... off-kilter. even when we got to disneyland, i felt no sort of joy about the evening. but when we got to the hotel to sleep... that's when things started getting weird. my mind began to wander and... implanted a thought, and a repressed memory that have both been tormenting me for a solid month and then some. and here i am. so im not sure if that whole argument before the trip is what set this off, but i was WAY better off beforehand.