Intrusive Thoughts - My Story Excerpt

Hi. I’m extremely new here. Not really even sure what this is, but I’m desperate. I suffer with OCD and intrusive thoughts. The thoughts I have are evil, sickening to me, and downright wrong. They are all the exact OPPOSITE of my morals and do not represent me in the slightest, yet they still control my life. I have always had this problem for as long as I can remember. When I was young, I remember running into my parents room in the middle of the night, scared them or myself would die over night, always concerned about the worst of the worst happening. I get a new scratch or bump? Flesh eating bacteria, cancer. Automatically assuming the worst, and the stress eats me alive for a few hours and sometimes days. Growing up my thoughts of death became more sexual. I use to have graphic sexual intrusive thoughts about Jesus. I am a devout Catholic as well. Miserable thoughts to be having in 8th grade. This eventually went away as I grew, but still pops up from time to time. I think you get the point here, lots of issues.

BUT, the whole reason I found this site is because of what I have been struggling with for about 5 years now. My senior year of high school I was a camp counselor. I thought to myself one day at camp, “That little girl is pretty and is going to grow up to be beautiful.” Not in a predatory way at all, in a serious, wow that’s a pretty little girl way, and my brain RAN with it. Since this moment 5 years ago I have struggled severely with POCD. I have terrible intrusive thoughts around children and fear I am a threat to them, even though I KNOW I am very far from a threat, but my brain does everything it can to convince me otherwise. Going to church is a struggle, being around families with younger children, crying kids during the service. I am trying to focus on church and my mind is flooded with terrible thoughts of harming these kids….I have a 4 year old niece and a 2 year old nephew. I have struggled severely around them, especially my niece. For quite a long time I would avoid them, and be afraid to go near them because of the “chance” I would harm them. This is so painful, feeling this way around my own family? I question myself, what is wrong with me? I have been in therapy for about 3 years, trying all sorts of strategies. I feel like there has been some growth, I am learning, but I’m still getting frustrated. I want them to just be over, forever. There are good days and really bad days. But I can’t become consistent , the bad days outweigh the good days. When will the thoughts go away forever? I know who I am and what is right, why does it feel like my brain is trying to convince me I’m something else? When will this end?

If you actually took the time to read this, thank you.