Growth in Emotional Intelligence: Reacting vs Responding

In my years on this Earth and throughout the lessons, I've learned that holding back those immediate reactions (emotions) can be quite challenging. It is especially difficult for someone who has experienced hurtful and emotional things throughout their life that could cause them to be easily hurt or offended. Because, put plainly, reacting is the result of a trigger. For myself, someone who is highly sensitive to emotions (my own and others' emotions) and has CPTSD in response to some rather stressful and difficult lessons, it can be immensly challenging to withhold a reaction; particularly when the feelings that come up are similar to the ones you experienced during the painful moments in your past. However, I have also learned that the practice of responding instead of reacting is actually part of the healing process. In the past, I have instinctually and negatively reacted to situations where I have felt the intense need to defend myself, which truly only resulted in me giving up my power over the situation and led to ugly consequences, leaving me feeling not just offended, but also ashamed and embarassed. Thanks for nothing, primitive brain! 

{Quick educational insert: neuroscience lesson: reacting and responding are actually "controlled" by different areas of the brain. The primitive brain, or the amygdala, is fast, instinctual, and driven by emotions, so it's responsible for our instincts and those emotional reactions, and when we feel threatened (offended, insulted, hurt, provoked, annoyed, etc.) or stressed, the primitive brain takes over (and is really our default mode in stressful situations). When this happens we have taken away most of our options because we are left with fight, flight, freeze, or fawn! The prefrontal cortex controls our executive functioning like decision-making, problem-solving, self-control, etc., and is deliverate, slow, and requires conscious effort, so this area is responsible for the responding option. This allows us control and power in how we respond and gives us so many more options!}

Also, I'll mention here that those who struggle with executive dysfunction, such as those with ADHD, ASD, depression, personality disorders, learning disabilities (basically anyone who is neurodivergent may have issues with their executive functioning), PTSD, dependency, brain disorders, etc., may have a more trying time with 'reacting vs responding' and should try to take extra care and give extra grace to oneself when working on this challenge! I am one of these people, and I wish someone would have told me that I would probably struggle with this area more than others; however, this is all a part of growing and becoming our best, authentic self! Also, building emotional intelligence takes time, so extend yourself grace and unconditional love!! 

One might think that this is easily remedied by just telling oneself to think before acting, but it's not ever really that simple when we're talking about emotions, experiences, or perspectives! What I have learned is that the key to responding, instead of reacting, lies in our emotional intelligence! Emotional intelligence is the ability to manage your own emotions and understand the emotions of the people around you and is comprised by empathy, effective communication skills, self-awareness, self-regulation, and motivation. (For those interested in learning more about emotional intelligence here is the link to one of my favorite bits of research regarding this subject: "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman). 

To learn to grow in emotional intelligence, it is important to pause and listen! I remember a song Mr. Rogers sang, "If you will Look carefully. Listen carefully. That's a way to keep on growing carefully. Look, look, look, and listen". Actually, Mr. Rogers tried to teach us a lot about growing our emotional intelligence! A quote of his says "Listening is where love begins: listening to ourselves and then to our neighbors.” I feel like the most important parts of learning to be responsive is to pause (of course)-which stops the primitive brain from taking over- and then to become the observer of the situation (look and listen); so focus on the issue rather than a person. Look at it as a "person with a problem" instead of seeing the "person as a problem". A pause, or mindfulness, can occur in many different ways and what works for one person may not work for another, so it's important that we find the "pause" that works best for us! Mindfulness can be deep breathing, counting, affirmations, taking in nature, walking, running, running your hands under water, finding things around you that make up each of the colors of the rainbow, or anything else that involves an action that is focused and purpose-filled. 

Now, please know that I am not saying one should ignore or push aside their feelings, as it's actually quite the opposite! After your form of "pause" where you take that moment to look and listen, it's important to evaluate the emotion we are experiencing. Look and listen for it, name it, dissect it, just don't shy away from it. This society has taught us that emotions are useless, irrational, or even childish and that emotions "good" or "bad", but this is the biggest load of poo I've ever heard, in my opinion ;-) One of my favorite quotes about feelings and the strength it takes to accept them and grow from them states, “Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness. It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it.” (Mr. Rogers of course). Emotional intelligence is not about controlling our emotions, but rather about controlling the behaviors related to the emotions we are feeling. The moment you can acknowledge the emotion, you can then take ownership and responsibility for the way you respond!! 

Unfortunately, in my current environment, I see people react more than respond. This is rather frustrating for me because, as a mother, it is very important to me that my kids are in an environment that helps them to grow into adults who know they are unconditionally loved, kind, compassionate empaths, amazingly unique, kind, emotionally intelligent, caring, have a healthy sense of emotional presence, and are kind!!! But this is a whole other subject! The most important thing in this situation is that I am making moves and changes to create a new emotional and spiritual environment for my children until we can physically change it.