Share this week's goals on: Bravery.

My goal: to speak up and express myself more.

Reason: I have recently found myself holding in negative feelings due to being worried about voicing them to others. This is not something I feel I am actually very used to. Keeping it inside has not been helpful - even though it hasnt really affected my moods (yet). In trying to remove the risk of judgement or failure, I am actually potentially blocking possibilities of my needs being met. Therefore, I would like to work on challenging this.

Plan: I will likely add on to my plan as I go along. But the things I can think of currently are... to take a deep breath to try and relax whenever I feel I am holding back, as well as to work on reassuring myself that its okay to voice how I feel.

If you have any suggestions for me, or have worked on this before and found that something helped you, please feel free to share!

I have bad stage fright, but yesterday I faced it by dancing, singing and acting on a stage in front of hundreds of people. although it was really scary, I'm glad I did it.

I had missed the whole creation of this forum category! Glad to see it now!

My goal this week is to contact MedicAlert to discuss getting jewelry/signing up for their plan.

This is related to bravery in that I had contact them before, but the information they gave me is wrong for my condition and it's something I have already experienced in the past (wrong treatment is common for my condition) and it scares me just how bad it could end up in the future.

So I will be brave, examine a situation that I fear I could die from and see if their new partnership can now help instead of hinder with that.

I've tried to wrote this post for the whole day, but I was too scared. Ironic, isn't? That's how I behave: I put off and put off and put off, just to move my work inches further into the future, to afraid to deal with it now. For goodness' sake! I literally run away into the woods to escape my obligations. I've spent past two months, hiding in a summer house, falling apart and picking myself up.

But it's time to act. I feel weak and want to use my depression as an excuse, but I really need to try to fill up the gaps. And they are wide and deep, not like cracks in a sidewalk, but like canyons. It seems so improbable to get on the other side.

When I signed up for this project, I didn't realize how much it would affect me. I'd love to change my goals, or to give up completely, but I'd have to lie to myself. I'm so stressed out, so terrified that I really want to cry. I have so many things to do - things which are making me nauseous just by their merely presence in my mind - and I feel overwhelmed. But that's okay. I can stay scared, and be brave at the same time. I can cry and fight simultaneously, Besides, I think it's better to do it with your lovely company, than utterly alone.

So. Here I am, trying to be brave. With a tight knot in my stomach and trembling hands, I will conquer my world.

Goal: To stop hiding.

Plan: a) To create a Game Plan, to list all of my tasks, break them into chunks, prioritize them, set deadlines. b) Return from woods to the city and face the music.

Quote: "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."

- J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

Day 1: Goal to speak up and express myself more.

Sharing thoughts.

It can be difficult to think of our current selves greeting all of our challenges because, in a way, it will not be our current selves doing that. At least, in my view. It'll be new versions of ourselves, ones that - hopefully - feel more confident having completed other goals, etc. Even if that's currently unimaginable.

There is no way that myself several months ago would be doing some of things I am doing today, even the small things. We are the same person, yet we are not. I would never expect myself in that state to do as I do. It's not comparable. I did what I could and that built up to this moment, and I will build up to many more - regardless of any slumps in that journey.

I'm very nervous, worried about appearing ridiculous for the things I would soon wish to express. I didn't expect to be this anxious, truth be told. But it's nice to know that you are nervous too. Because when I hear that, I feel a surge of positive energy.

Has anyone seen the Power Rangers? I feel like we are Power Rangers and when we share our goals and I hear of your anxieties, it makes me want to do some 'Power Rangers assemble' to combine and create a megazord (the giant robot they transform into).

I've no idea if that makes sense, but I'm grateful for it. Essentially what I mean is, our anxieties shows me how important our goals are for us all, and this heightens my wish for us to face them and accomplish things.

Day 1&2

Little brave things I did:

I sit outside in the sun, with a piece of paper and a pen, and just listed all of my tasks. It may sound simple, but it fact it was very hard to force myself. I still managed to avoid it for quite a big time, but eventually I just started. The number of tasks is pretty high – I will later post how many exactly – but my goal wasnt to accomplished them, but to just took them out of my mind. Paper is a lighter medium, and so is my head now.

I asked myself some questions: is my avoidant behavior necessary? Maybe there is a healthier way to cope. Is there really no other way to make my current situation more manageable? I decided to embrace my anxiety – I always thought about my depression as the harpy, and anxiety as this energetic, little fluffy ball of distress – and to stop pushing myself. I imagined my anxiety afraid of the situation and I just give it a big hug. Because it is hard, there is no denying. I won't kid myself that what I need to accomplish is easy, because it's a freaking mountain climbing in slippers. But I can make it.

I talked honestly with my parents about my options. We have our differences, but they are very supportive of me, and even if they dont understand my struggle completely, they encourage me to explore my own path.

+ I read an article about various hacks helping to stop worrying. I find a few useful ideas I want to try out. We'll see how they go.

Day 3: Goal to speak up and express myself more.

Progress.

So I was told of some recent developments in my family the day before. Not wanting to sound on 'attack mode', I at first was not planning on saying anything - I thought I'd reserve it for later. But upon my brother speaking up, it reactivated my memory that it is my goal to do so. So I did. I almost feel worse not because of how it went (it was fine), but because expressing myself surfaced the thoughts and feelings surrounding the topic. I am very worried, very sad. But I must ensure that does not distract from being supportive.

Also... unrelated, but potentially influential - I'm ill! It's hit me so suddenly. No idea what it is (fever, etc), but I feel awful. I went back home today and the journey was a challenge in itself. It took all the power inside me to not vomit for those near four hours. Exhausted. My face is constantly prickling and on fire. It feels like a particularly bad migraine (which have a variety of physical symptoms), but without any head pain. Going to spend the rest of the night sleeping, hopefully.

Hope everyone's goals are going well! - Sounds like you're doing fantastic @Celaeno ! I am going to respond soon, x.

@Celaeno, it sounds like you're on your way to some major positive life changes. Good on you for getting over that initial mental hurdle, getting that initial momentum going can be so difficult!

Day 4 - 6: Goal to speak up and express myself more.

Reassurance.

Once I got my voice back, I spoke to a friend about whether I should truly speak up about the family situation.

I object. I really do not think what my family member wishes to do is a good idea. I genuinely worry for them and their ability to make sound judgements. I do not wish to impose on others or direct their lives. It's uncomfortable. So I worried that speaking up so boldly would be doing so and may be inappropriate.

But my friend was able to reflect back to me how obviously important it is and so how I should speak up. I also reminded myself that I'm saying it in order to make sure they have the clearest picture they can. Then if they still feel they wish to go down that path considering, I will support. But I want to make sure their decision is an informed one, as I am unsure if they are able to do this without another's input. I feel like the other person involved - who is helping to push their decision along - may be taking advantage of their depressive state of mind too.

This is someone very important in my life and I will always be there to support them. I have never been in this position with them or anyone before, but I have already prepared for when I will next speak to them.

So, ultimately, I feel that this week has encouraged me to seek out bravery in this respect more. So I hope that continues!

The deep breathing also really helped!!

Day 3-7

Now, from a perspective of passed week, I can see it was a disaster. I wouldn't say it was entirely my fault per se, but I could handle it better.

Recap: I tried to tackle my tasks, so naturally I avoided doing them for some time, but then my new antidepressants kicked in and suddenly vanquished my apathy. I thought it was a great thing - who wouldn't appreciate it - but in reality it only made a space for my anxiety. It was suppressed all this time and when it received a spotlight, it led me to the breakdown.

But, but, ladies and gentlemen, there is a good thing from this story, because I was forced to return from woods to visit a doctor. So overall, I accomplished something, even if my goals had changed and it took me more than one week.